Money Moral Dilemma: Should we change our wills to benefit our stepchildren?

A question about : Money Moral Dilemma: Should we change our wills to benefit our stepchildren?

Here's this week's hypothetical situation for you to cogitate on:

Should we change our wills to benefit our stepchildren?

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks... When we married 30 years ago, my wife had three teenagers and I had a toddler. We set a joint will up so half was to go to my son with the rest split between my wife's children. It seemed fair then, as all our assets had been built up by me before we married. But now it doesn't seem as fair. I've had at least as much involvement with my stepchildren as my son, and a bigger share of our assets would change their lives. Should we change it to equal shares, denying my son a bigger sum?

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Best answers:

• you have a wife an 4 kids - split it 25% each
  is there any specific reason that your son needs a larger share?
  these are all adults now why not sit own and discuss it like adults and get the issues sorted out
• split equally.
• 30 years is a lifetime ago ... I think it's fair to say split equally 4 ways now. If it were 2 years ago I'd say differently.
  But I'd also take into account their individual financial situations and the relationships between each other over that time, to see if there are any problems it might cause "after the event".
  If I had a chat with anybody I'd do it one to one with the sole son first .... giving them time to think the answer through (say 1-2 weeks), before listening to their viewpoint.
• I agree in principal that the split should be four ways after such a length of time, but are there any other circumstances to take in to consideration?
  My husband and I discussed similar as he has two children from a previous relationship and we are keen that they are included fairly in the split of our estate (we also have two children together).
  When my husband split from his then-girlfriend, he didn't take any money from the property, he left all of his share of the house for his daughters as part of their inheritance from him, so we will take that in to account when the time comes.
  We have both worked very hard during our time together and have built everything that we have together from nothing, so that all our four children can benefit.
  Hope that helps.
• How about whatever was brought into the relationship 30 years ago is split as you originally intended - anything since is split 4 ways - bit like a pre-nup.
• Thirty years together as one family would suggest an equal share of the assets to all the children would be appropriate and fair. Is there an inheritance from your stepchildren's father, or your son's mother, to be taken into consideration? If so, then an adjustment might be in order.
  Whatever you decide, may I please urge you to inform everyone in advance so when the time comes, the surviving spouse doesn't have any family tensions to deal with at an already difficult time.. may that time be in the far distance..
• After thirty years I would split it four ways.
  If it was only a short time, I would do what you originally did.
  Times and circumstances change.
• YES and yes again ! You are a family , behave like one .
• That you married 30 years ago is key here. Do you consider your step children to be as if they were your own? If so, it's more reasonable to split your assets between your 4 surviving individuals. If, however, you had/have substantially less contact with your 3 step-children (being teenagers when you married, they may have flown the nest soon after your marriage) you may consider it fairer for them to receive a lesser share.
  In either case, it's probably best that you tell people openly what your plans are, to save any horrible family splits when the will is announced when you're gone.
• Equal shares. The terms of a will show people how much you care about them.
• Going with the agreement you made 30 years ago sounds akin to a prenup and things may well have changed since then. All the kids are real grown-ups now, likely with kids of their own. In your heart, how do you feel about them - do you view your own on a completely different level from the others, or are they all just a part of the family now?
  It will be different in that the others were already teenagers, so not only ready-formed people but also (if my own teenager is anything to go by) not that willing to talk and bond with anyone, be they parent or step-parent, but so far down the line, are they now just a similar part of the same extended family as your own child?
• Given the length of time that you have been married I would agree that it seems fair that your estate is shared equally.
  From your Son's point of view he may feel that he is losing out because you had more assets when you started a new relationship. I would therefore strongly advise discussing your will with him. If he gets on his step siblings he may even agree, in which case you are worrying about nothing. If he is unhappy about it you just have to explain that you are doing what feels right and you are been open and honest about it.
  Ultimately it's up to you (not your children / step children) how you split your estate and I guess every family has a different structure, so there are no right or wrong answers.
• Like others have stated that after 30yrs it's more like one big family that has grown up together over time.
  However; It's not clear if your wife's children's father is still around; but if he is, then is he leaving his children anything in his will and will he be leaving your child anything, I'd guess not....
  You can either slpit it equal and treat everyone the same or you can consider each person and there own needs. My parents will is split 60/40 between myself and my sister (my sister is getting the 60%) for reason that I fully understand and accept.
  Whichever way its best to speak to your child first and give him your thoughts and see what they think, at least that way they know why you've set you will the why you decide.
• I would split it equally. You've all been a family for ages now and it would be a shame if the children fell out after you've gone because they weren't treated equally. However looking at whether any of them stand to inherit stuff from any other family members (your previous partners, ect) is a good idea. I would suggest that all adult members meet up and have a frank discussion about their wills.
• First priority is to look after the surviving spouse and to have a mutual agreement between you on how the surviving spouse's estate should be dealt with (even if that agreement is 'it's up to you'). It's surprising how different the world looks five years after one spouse dies; care home to be paid for, perhaps powers of attorney needed, medical treatment, children divorcing, dozens of grandkids wanting education....