Great 'Best Cold Caller Rebukes' Hunt

A question about : Great 'Best Cold Caller Rebukes' Hunt

The phone rings, you pick it up and UGH, it's a cold calling telemarketer trying to flog you a new mobile, camera, subscription or even wipe your debts. Even if you put the phone down they'll try again. Of course signing up to the telephone preference service helps stop the legal callers (see stop junk calls guide), but calls can still come - what are your top tips for getting rid of 'em?

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Best answers:

• Assuming its a female I have started flirting with them to see how far they will go, usually they ring off because its not in their script - and good free practise for me LoLLL
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• I use the Anti Telemarketing counter script.
  It can be found here
  https://www.xs4all.nl/~egbg/counterscript.html
• If its for any type of home improvement I simply say "do you know this is a council house?" The phone goes dead within a second.
  Or if it's one of those calls where you are connected after you answer I just put the phone down-they are paying the bill but I'm not listening
• Ask where they got your number. Tell them you're ex-directory and registered with the Telephone Preference Service and ask them to remove your number from their database. Then when they ring again, which they will, tell them to Pee off (or words to that effect) and get nasty!
• say nothing --- and just listen . It drives them crazy. and then they hang up. No more calls from them
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• When a cold caller asks if they can ask me some questions I always answer politely ... 'yes' - they then get in to their spiel ..... when a reply is required I say nothing. This really confuses them and they prompt me for an answer - to which I reply 'I said you could ask me some questions ... I never said that I'd answer them!'
  This usually has the desired effect!
  Another caller was trying to sell me a conservatory - I played along and let them think I was interested - organizing for someone to come and do a survey and quote. When the woman asked for the address I made one up - a first floor flat!
• If I'm in a bad mood, such callers simply get a suggestion to go forth and procreate in another location, at very high volume. Manners doesn't come into it - their call is unsolicited.
  If I'm in a more mellow mood, I let them talk for a few seconds, then say "Please excuse me - there's someone at the door - I'll be right back!" Then I lay down the phone and leave it... forever...
• I'm registered with the Telephone Preference Service and I usually tell them they can be fined for calling me. That usually does the trick fairly quickly - until they call back again later!
  However, if I'm not doing much at the time, I like to have a bit of fun with them, especially if it's one of those "we just want to ask you some questions for a survey" calls.
  "Of course I'll speak to you, I just need your credit card details first."
  "Why?"
  "Well, I'm self employed and I charge for my time. So, if you want to talk to me, you will have to pay me."
  They usually hang up mystified at this point, but I did have one Scotsman who said that I wasn't being very charitable!
  I asked him if he was being paid to call me.
  "Yes"
  "Well I want paying too. After all, without me you won't get paid."
  And so on, until they disappear…
  Or, if it's the evening and I'm watching TV and get a sales call, I tell them I'm really interested in what they are selling and am glad they called. But, I've got a pan on the cooker, so just let me turn it down first.
  Then I put the phone next to the TV and carry on watching.
  It's fun guessing how long it will be before they hang up!
  Have fun!
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• I used to engage in conversation for a short time, and then I'd say " ooh - just a moment, hang on please..." as though something had happened, and leave them waiting forever. Then a friend gave me a phone she'd bought and didn't like, and to my joy i discovered that it has a HOLD feature that plays a dreadful tacky electronic tune over and over again, so they can listen to that whilst they wait for you!
• My favouite is to act confused -
  caller -'is that Mrs Rhuallan'?
  me - who are you?
  caller - my name is Bob (yeah?)
  me - do I know you?
  caller - No, I am caling from a company caled 24705hyowi
  me - who?
  caller - 24705hyowi
  me - oh?
  Caller - start spiel, but I interupt
  me - do I know you?
  caller - no, my name is Bob
  me - who?
  caller I am calling about... (I interupt)
  me - who are you?? (inject hysterical tone now, not too much yet) Are you watching me? Are you outside??? OMG who are you?????
  caller - (trying to calm me) don't worry madam, I am not watrching you, I am.... (interupt here and repeat last rant with more feeling).
  caller - please don't worry,....... (interupt again with gusto this time)
  and repeat as required.
  Usually that's the last you'll here of that caller and their company, I have resorted to an odd sob of dispair in the middle - as I disguise a snigger!
• Our problem is that it is actually the previous owner that is on all the databases.
  We had calls from the same kitchen/bathroom/conservatories etc company every month or so for over a year, despite asking them every time to remove us from their database because the lady they were calling was dead and we weren't interested. In the end I pretended to be a senile old lady, allowed them to persuade me I needed a great deal of work done, and then let them down very hard. They haven't called since (at least 6 months)
  Everest were eventually dissuaded by the "customer being attacked by a knife-wielding intruder half way through the conversation" act (The salesman rudely put the phone down on me ).
  We still get a lot of calls from foreign call centres, who are often almost impossible to understand and have never heard of the TPS.
  The worst was an Indian man who called every day for over a week, despite my diminishing politeness/escalating rudeness. The only thing that got rid of him was a spectacularly insulting rant in an atrocious Indian accent. I'm not proud of that one, but it did work, and it was his own fault.
  How can they not understand that if you've said "No" 8 times you're not suddenly going to change your mind on the 9th occasion?
• When the (usually) foreign call centre asks if I have a few minutes to undergo a survey I say "No", but inevitably they keep on, ignoring my answer.
  At this point I say "If you can't hear my answers there is no point continuing - Bye!"
• I say "Are you going to ask me for money, or to subscribe to anything that costs me money, because I don't have any?".
  Likewise to doorknockers I politely but firmly say "I won't give you any money and I am not interested in discussing religion".
  If any of them persist, then I refer them back to what I said.
  I also had someone from UNICEF approach me in the street where I told them I didn't have any money; they went through their routine and said it would only cost so much a week; I said I didn't have any money, they said but I could surely spare so much a week, to which I replied that I was unemployed with a family of five to support and no I couldn't spare it.
• OH gave one poor survey guy his lifes (sob) story. 'Smoking ban has killed the pub trade, beer tax is too high, rates are too high, tax is too high and the petrol is through the roof can't go out anymore, used to have 14 employees now it's just two of us, working 18 hours a day' When the guy managed to get off the phone OH said 'I think he's going to send us money he felt that bad' Don't want to know what the poor guy was surveying!
• Why does everyone get so annoyed at getting calls?
• I have a few tactics:
  Home Improvement calls usually elicit the response 'Oh, I work for Rival Company - can you give me a quick run down of your prices?'
  Foreign call centres are usually 'No, you can't speak to mrsfrench, she's not here and I'm just burgling the place'
  Occasionally a nice Indian chap tries to get me to take out a new mobile phone. I just explain to him that I have no friends to call, I have no family left, I don't go out, I don't speak to anyone - in fact he's the first person I've spoken to in MONTHS, would he be my friend........
• I live with my partner & his brother, cold caller asks to speak to the homeowner, my bro-in-law answers & yes your speaking to the home owner the guy goes through his whole speech only for my bro-in-law to intrupt him & say if he holds on he'll pass the phone to the home owner, the phone gets passed through the family like this until the cold caller hangs up, usually works a treat! lol
• n.b. the bored and supercilious tone of voice of this caller just can't be adequately described
  Hello, this is Ipsos Mori. You may have heard of our opinion polls. We need a few minutes of your time.
  Need? What for?
  We need to ask you some questions.
  How long for?
  About 20 or 30 minutes.
  How much do you pay?
  I'm sorry?
  How much do you pay?
  I'm sorry, we can't offer to pay people.
  Well, I have to go out to work. If your need is desperate enough to delay that and force me to give you ten or thirty quids worth of my or someone else's time, but you couldn't even be arsed to introduce yourself politely and explain what it's about first or say please, and are charging this work out at much higher rates than I'm earning, where do I send the bill to?
  [splutter] Sorry, we don't pay people. I've never heard of such a daft idea. Most people enjoy answering our questions. Can we call you back at another time, when you're having a better day?
  I suggest you learn to acquire a bit of diplomacy instead of patronising me like it's you doing me a favour, instead of the other way round. Don't waste my time. Or I will send you a bill. Now p1ss off. And don't call back.