A question about : Flying solo
Hello Folks,
This is my first diary. Until last week I'd never seen this section of MSE, then came across a story that is so close to my own it left me reeling. The author of that thread has inspired me to get my act together a bit better than I've been managing so far; this is the record of my progress (or lack of it on bad days).
So here's the history (apologies for the length of this post):
At the beginning of 2012 'our family' consisted of PC and me, four daft dogs, and four big kids who are all making their own way in the world. PC had the financial acumen, I'm the artistic one who tends to let my credit cards run out of control whenever something expensive happens. Thanks to MSE I've learned to swap balances around so most of the cards are on 0% deals - but every so often PC paid off some of my debt out of his savings. This wasn't a problem as most of the money had been spent on family - dog needs an operation? Here's my card. Van failed it's MOT? Here's my card. And so on. As a system, it worked.
PC and I were looking forward to spending more time at our holiday cottages since he retired - a project begun decades ago when prices were so low we bought one each! This suited us; PC had Aspergers' so needed his own space to retreat to at times, and it was also very useful to have one place to stay at while we worked on the other. Going on holiday to a building site when the children were young wouldn't have been been a relaxing, safe break for any of us.
Fast forward twenty years and the cottages are no longer partly-roofed hovels without electricity, water or bathrooms. PC was full of enthusiasm for continuing improvements, and I joined him when I could (am not retired yet).
The last time, I could see that PC wasn't well as soon as I arrived. So began our many trips to the clinic, where ever more detailed and expensive tests were carried out. PC was in too much agony to fly home, so eventually I drove us back, with PC lying on a bed in the van accompanied by two of our dogs (the others went to stay with family).
You can probably see where this is heading. PC never did get a proper diagnosis; he was passed from one hospital department to another until in despair, he discharged himself after the last consultant told him 'it' was terminal. As an Aspie, PC got very upset by the institutional environment where he had no privacy from hundreds of strangers, and the staff loaded him up with morphine without telling him that was what they were giving him - it failed to control his pain and destroyed his ability to think clearly.
I was able to care for him at home. It was exhausting, but allowed PC to have the best death he could have achieved under the circumstances. We became closer than we'd ever been, and he died in my arms.
Since the funeral I've been making attempts at the paperwork - I'm PC's executor: I've got his Will, and have informed the banks and his ex-employer. The latter sent me a huge envelope of bumf about PC's pension which sat ominously on top of the pile of mostly unopened letters.
I stopped work at the beginning of June when caring for PC had become a full-time occupation. Since his death the household has no income. I have been ignoring my bank statements; all the cards are paid by DD and my overdraft facility will cover it - for a while.
The other day I read a post in the diary I mentioned earlier; the lady who is in a similar position to me has sorted out her late husband's pension..
That got me thinking; I guess it was my LBM. 
I opened the letter on top of the pile - and dealt with it - posted yesterday. So thank you 3Dogs, for galvanizing me into action 
Today I'm going to tackle the bank statements - find out the total owed on my cards: Medical and travelling expenses, groceries and utilities - all on the cards. A wild guess is 12G's worth.
If you've got this far, thanks for reading, 
I've hesitated for ages before clicking on Submit New Thread because PC and I are 
were pretty 'private' people really, but now he's not here I could use some encouragement - or a kick up the backside on occasion - to get on with the tasks that should be done now, in order to avoid daft dogs and I ending up in a right ol' pickle financially.
Best answers:
- Welcome to the diaries. I hope you will find them as full of support as I have.
- well done Robin for beginning to deal with things - I can't imagine what you've been through and am so inspired by your action. good idea to do it a bit at a time too.
sending lots of thoughts!
dallasX - Newleaf and Dallas85, thank you both for your welcome,
Well, today didn't go quite as planned,
Grief is a strange emotion; it creeps up and overflows at the most unexpected triggers. Today my downfall was a letter. I'm sure it was meant kindly, but it was from someone who really let us down when we needed them, so all the hard memories came crashing back.
Daft dogs took me for a loooong walk, which got rid of the wobble fairly successfully as fresh air and exercise usually does.
I'll look at the bank statements tomorrow, - Morning Robin,
Sounds like a difficult day yesterday - hope you are feeling better this morning. And you handled your 'wobble' with a really good solution!
have a good day,
dallasX - Woke up in the middle of the night with screaming cramp all down one leg - that'll teach me to try and do without my supplements for a month in an attempt to save money! Had to take my strongest pain meds to knock me out as I couldn't get rid of the cramp. So have woken very late and fuzzy-headed; the cramp has gone but it feels like I've pulled a muscle. Was supposed to have an x-ray this afternoon but 'phoned to cancel because I can't bear weight on my leg; felt a bit stupid telling the secretary I wasn't well enough to go to the hospital!
Daft dogs may have to do without a walk today, but they won't mind because we can play treasure-hunt in the garden instead - found a big packet of cocktail sausages reduced to 50p in Tosco last night which will be perfect for this game, Tomorrow DS is coming to visit so he can walk them if I am still limping.
Right, no more distraction; my pile of unopened bank statements awaits.. - Welcome Robin ........ so sorry to hear about PCs passing, life sucks sometimes (((hugs))).
I sat and read 3dogs diary one afternoon not too long ago - I had to do it in several sittings, with a box of tissues to hand - she is such a wonderful lady who has also been through the mill more than anyone deserves, as have you..
I know what the pile of unopened statements is like ...... I had bags full at one time - and I still dread getting letters from the bank / anything official looking even now. Wishing you strength for your journey.
Post as often as you can - you're never alone on here & it's easier to face things knowing others around are in similar situations and can relate to how you're feeling.
Hope the leg gets better soon - the treasure hunt sounds good and I might just have to try something similar with Maisie later as she's been sadly lacking on the walks front this week as I'm laid up in bed with the lurgi (luckily I have a dog walker twice a week who I've not cancelled even tho' I'm home so she has been out a couple of times).
Will pop back & see how it's going. - Hope your bank statement opening is going well Robin!
A tip i learned from marathon training: Bananas are very good for cramp! And a bit cheaper than medicine. (You might know this already)
Make sure you have a little treat after you've tackled the pile, even if it is a lie down in a darkened room.
Xdallas - So sorry to read of your loss.
Here's my tip: if you open the envelopes, discard them and then unfold the correspondence, the pile looks less daunting
Very best wishes. - Hello Robin and welcome to you. This is a wonderful forum and you will find lots of encouragement here.
I too have often logged on in the small hours of the morning and found support and company, so no matter when you are in need this is the best place to be.
One day at a time. One hurdle at a time and the problems become less one at a time.
Best of luck and I look forward to your story of success.
((())) hugs and best wishes - *hug*
Sorry to hear about the loss of PC.
I'm glad you found the courage and strength to hit 'submit new thread'. You will find there is a great bunch of people on here and very supportive. It's good to get that extra little bit of encouragement, even if it is from people you don't know.
The highest mountain is climbed by taking one step at a time. You don't get there in one big leap. Take things one day at a time. Don't pressure yourself. Don't rush. And do reward yourself in some way when you do achieve a goal, no matter how small.
Thinking about you and subscribing - Good morning Diary,
Thank you so much to everyone who has stopped by and commented; it's great to feel so supported,
Yesterday was a bit of a failure, in that I still don't know exactly how much I owe on CCs. But I did work out how much money I need to run this house, and the bottom line of that calculation led me to take a very large step indeed:
Council Tax: Ј222 *
Utilities: Ј 85
Insurance: Ј 45
TV licence: Ј 12
Phone/Net: Ј 36
Total: Ј400
* CT will come down a bit when they apply the single person discount. The Utilities is a 'balanced' payment; I overpay in the summer and it catches up in the winter. Insurance = buildings, contents & CH system.
So I need Ј100 a week. That's before daft dogs and I go out in the van, I use my mobile, or any of us eat. Van + mobile add Ј22 a week to my expenses, but I really don't know how much my food budget will be - the last of the visitors who came for the funeral only went home a few days ago (and my son still regularly hoovers up any food he finds lying around, especially fruit for which he has a bottomless appetite - Dallas, that's why I had to resort to calcium & magnesium pills the night before last; no bananas left after DS' latest visit!).
Anyway, as I have no income at all until I've sorted out PC's estate - he was the one with savings & a pension - my situation obviously isn't sustainable. I was self-employed before stopping work to look after PC; my income from that had been falling fast due to the recession so I think it's time for a complete change.
Luckily, there is someone who'd love to rent this house - it's far too big for me now anyway - and my news is that they'll be moving in on October 1st! I'll still have to pay the insurance (interestingly, landlord insurance comes in slightly cheaper than the owner-occupier variety). My personal possessions will be moved to the cottages, and the tenant will be paying the running costs of this place as well as giving me six months' rent in advance.
So that will take the pressure off in one direction, but means the clock is ticking on sorting out PC's estate. Hmm.
Today I've got an appointment with the bank that's holding PC's savings, and then daft dogs and I are going to visit his grave to remove the funeral flowers which will have wilted by now - the other night in Tosco's I found two beautiful bouquets of lilies reduced from Ј15.50 to 80p - don't know why as they're absolutely gorgeous, so I'll take them to PC. Will be using his walking stick as my leg still isn't right, and Clever Dog can pull me along. - Hi *Robin*.
So sorry to hear about your loss. Hugs .
It must still be very early days for you and I think you are doing marvellously. I'm so pleased to read some positives by the time I got to the end of your thread so far, great news about your new tennant and starting to look at your finances.
You have been given some good advice so far, please keep posting so people can continue to help, a problem shared and all that ....
One step at a time Xx - Hello Diary,
Hi LMBL thanks for dropping by, and the hugs (that's a better icon than the dodgy-huggers! ).
I can see this board could become naughtily time-consuming - especially catching up with all your threads as we get to know each other. ..Am rather looking forward to it; much better than falling into the tv during the long quiet evenings that have become my lot.
Well, I've worked out some more figures: Ј390 a month - those are the CC payments going out of my a/c ..But I should be able to halve that by the end of the month, getting rid of the one that's charging over 20% interest!
I can do that because today the postman brought a letter I was happy to read; PC's pension provider has come through and is being much more generous than I was expecting. This is coming to me, not having to go through probate, so I can use the death benefit payment (after sending the funeral director a cheque, of course). I'd much rather get rid of some debt than splash out on a holiday or anything else at the moment. - Hello Diary,
It's such a beautiful day I'm abandoning the paperwork in favour of a long walk with daft dogs. It was getting very depressing as several envelopes contained more bad news, and my attempts to reply to correspondence have failed because, inexplicably, my eight week old printer won't work. I gave it new inks but it wasn't impressed, the ink light still flashes. Aargh. Tempting to just put it in the box and take it back - but not today. - Morning Robin,
Just had a little catch up with your diary. Very sorry to hear about the death of PC .
Well done on opening the letters, that sounds one of the hardest steps for you.
Also sounds like daft dogs are getting you through!! We have one of those too, an 8 year old chocolate labrador who thinks he is one of the kids... well he is really xx - Yesterday I had to take my own advice: If a task is not going well, do something else that requires attention - generally, by the time the 2nd task is done, the first job will have changed in some way and become easier to tackle.
And so it proved to be. PC's tax return was doing my head in, so I went back to the pile of envelopes and followed Listerbelle's advice:
Quote: - amazing Robin! Although it's scary, it's also much easier to know how much you owe so you can begin to tackle it psychologically.
you're doing amazingly - an inspiration!
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