A question about : Colleague issue
Hi
Erm, I really don't know how to write this post...but here goes. My friend and work colleague exposed himself to me today.
The chap in question has been a friend for a while and if I'm honest, I know he keeps his brains in his trousers sometimes. I've had to do the 'my face is here' look on a number of occasions and he has been known to send inappropriate emails which I've tried to deal with firmly. So today I got another very inappropriate email jokingly asking if I'd model underwear to help him choose some for his wife (yes, he has a wife). The reply was 'No' to which he replied 'Didn't think so, I'll just have to use my imagination instead'.
Shortly afterwards, I went to his desk to pass him a document and he had his penis (this will probably get blocked, but it doesn't take a genius to figure it out...) out of his jeans, er um, looking attentive 
I pretended not to notice, went back to my desk, turning bright red as I walked and sat there utterly gobsmacked for at least 15 minutes.
I'll be honest and say that I don't know what I want from this post. I don't think I will be telling anybody at work about it. It probably sounds daft, but I don't want to get him into trouble. Yes, he's stupid and he'll get himself into a lot of trouble one day, but I don't want to be at the centre of it, I've enough other carp to deal with without creating another situation. The other reason is that it's likely that one or both of us will be looking for new jobs in the New Year. I really just wanted other people's opinions (and didn't know where else to post this, so sorry if it's in the wrong place). How would you have reacted? I'm shocked and am quite confused about why he would be foolish enough to risk his career (and likely, his marriage) by doing these things. Has this ever happened to anyone else?
Thanks and sorry for what I guess sounds like a pretty stupid post
Gwenx
Best answers:
- If you don't wish to take it any further then start being cold with him and start distancing yourself from him and he'll get the hint.
- I'd have said something straight away out loud. Then stepped back, pointed and said it louder and looked round to get anybody/everybody else's attention... then pointed again and repeated it... I'd have said the word in every way possible.... called him a dirty, dirty pervert. I'd have raised my voice and pointed again... until everybody came rushing over.
But then I suffer from a condition that leads to me saying inappropriate things, so I doubt most people would have just blurted it out.
You HAVE to take this further/higher. This pervert must be stopped.
I worked in an office and there was a married man there who'd make inappropriate comments. One evening it was just me and he walked in and looked at me. I asked "what are you looking at?" He said "I was just thinking how I could take you over that desk right now". I picked up a big old manual credit card machine, held it aloft and said "if you take one step closer you'll get this round your head, you'll get this round your head so hard it'll hurt - and when you get home you needn't worry about how to tell your wife you've been battered because, believe me, I'll have got there before you and told her myself"
Dunno where I get it from really, I'm a mouse..... but these perverts HAVE to be told.
Leave NO room for misinterpretation. - save copies of the eails, print them off, give them to HR and to his boss.
He does not deserve to be employed. Doesn't matter how sorry you feel for him, this is plainly unacceptable.
What if it was the 16 year old work experience girl?
Or someone who had been raped?
etc etc etc.
By not taking action, you make it worse for those who come after you. - That could be seen as sexual harassment which is frowned upon in the workplace, if I were you I would report it to a higher authority.
- wtf? seriously, you should have pointed and laughed very loudly... seriously tho i'd be telling him it stops now or you take it public, this"friend" should be on the sex offenders register not mixing with decent people.
in all seriousness, whats to prevent him "getting friendly" with a stranger when his advances are spurned, you should really report this to your employers,police and his wife..how would you feel if you read in the paper he'd sexually assaulted(or worse) another female? sorry to be harsh but this man(i use that term very loosely)is bile get him reported - That's appalling. If I were you I would send an email that says words to the effect of 'I found your behaviour on *date* in front of me entirely insulting and unacceptable, and I am letting you know that any subsequent such behaviour, including suggestive comments and emails, will be reported immediately to HR in the form of a complaint of sexual harassment.'
If he replies with anything flippant I would go straight to HR. There is enough information out there these days about what you can do and what you can't. If he loses his job it's his own fault, and as Emmzi says, what if it was a young girl he did it to? - Oh gosh. Just to help me figure this out in my head, what do any blokes think of this?
I guess because most of my colleagues are graduates, I didn't really consider the 16 year old girl situation, but we do sometimes have work experience placements. And I hadn't thought of if it was a woman who'd been raped or sexually assaulted. One of my friends has been sexually assaulted twice and if it was her, I think she'd have been quite traumatised about it and now I'm feeling even more confused about things.
Do you think though, that because he's friends with me, he feels more comfortable and is therefore pushing the boundaries? The other complicating factor is that there is a tiny bit of history between us. I used to like him (as more than a friend) and got the impression he liked me ('well, clearly' you're thinking, but not in a pervy way). He seemed nice, normal, intelligent, funny etc, etc and I got the impression that there was a bit of chemistry there. This was all years ago and soon after he'd joined my department. One day we met up out of work, had a few drinks, ended up snogging, but after that he said he didn't want to take things any further. Do you think any of this history is part of why he is being like this?
Thanks
Gwenx - you have to tell somone this kind of behaviour is unacceptable he shouldnt get away with it
- I have to say, I agree with 1984ReturnsForReal - tell him once and only once in no uncertain terms "you ever do that again, and I'll wipe the floor with you" or something along those lines.
I think your history with him has made him too familiar but I also think that this may be seen as a bit of a power trip - he obviously doesn't think you'll tell, so he can do what he wants! He needs to know he can't.
You don't know what he's telling other colleagues - he may be bragging to them of his "conquests".
If you don't want to report him, have you got another colleague/friend you could confide in? It may help to have a 2nd opinion at work (as well as giving you some back up if necessary!)
If all else fails - staplers really hurt if used incorrectly (correctly?!)
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