Am I Too Hard on DD ?

A question about : Am I Too Hard on DD ?

My dd and I were left in debt by her father - when he finally payed me out I had already made a good in road into the debts. So I managed to put some in the bank and have been DF for 2 years.

He does not pay any maintance for DD (12 years) not becasue of the CSA (they were great) but because he gets violent and threatening and I feel bullied and back down as she gets upset. We live with family so bills are not major, but have downsized my job so money is tight, Ex gives DD Ј50 per month spends (most months) I give her some as well. She has started going shopping with her friends and always comes back with bags of shopping - she says her friends get more money than her - I dont normally bother about it but she went shopping with my parents today and came back with some lovely stuff. Needed new underwear I paid for that, mum and dad got her top and some shoes, she also had Ј70 in shopping money from family which she spent on pair of trousers and a Ј22 top from Jane Norman (still some money left)

She still has a list of more clothes she needs as she has just had another growth spurt - well she is off to Primark next week so hope it will be cheaper - I know it's her money so why do I feel so annoyed.

I add money to her mobile but have mentioned to her maybe she should add it

Oh yes she also needs her bedroom painting and new furniture so off to ikea we go on Saturday - I feel like a bad mum who just spends all day worrying about money

if this is in the wrong place please move it

Best answers:

• HI Red Fraggle
  That is an enormous amount of money she has and I'm not surprised you're annoyed, I'd be seething with jealousy.
  I have twin DDs aged 12 and I give them Ј2/week, plus occasionally a little more (but not much). One has gone to stay with a friend for four days so I gave her Ј10 spending money - this is a big treat.
  I know some of their friends get more than this but not that much more and frankly a 12 year old does not 'need' all that much. I put Ј10 on their phone every now and then - the last time was January.
  Your DD is very lucky and I hope she appreciates it! Its hard being a mum isn't it?
• Hey chick I know the feeling. My DS is 13 and all he seems tosay tome is 'Mam can I have' I've tried giving him pocket money but he spends it all in one go, if I give him a small amount each day he then wants togoout at the weekend. I can't seem to win!
  I try my hardest to give the kids everything they want but I also feel they need to learn the value of money so they don't make the same money mistakes I made. I need a happy medium but can't seem to find it!
  Sympathy and hugs to you x
• Seaxwyn Thanks I think she appreicates it - most of the time
  Girl Racer - I could really do feel like a glass of wine tonight lol
• hi red fraggle, i have 2 sons 13 & 14 i give them £5 a week spending money each and they both have paper jobs. they save up their money and buy clothes with it. Im very proud of them.
  your dd is very lucky and i dont think shes hard done by at all. i know its hard when all you seem to say is no. you are not a bad mum at all.
  PS my ex left me and our 2 sons when they were 4 & 5 and never gave a penny to there up bringing. Thats why i feel so proud of them
• when i was younger me and my mum were in a similar position to you and your daughter. We left my dad when i was 11. Money was extremely tight and my dad as far as I know was ordered to pay £25 per week but never did. My mum worked 2 jobs and I knew (even at that young age) better than to ask for anything, I grew up knowing how much everything cost and I worried probably more than any other 11 or 12 year old. I used to worry about my mum driving me to a friends house becuase i knew how much petrol cost, I worried about school uniforms being so expensive, about the cost of food - everything. It was hard and I remember there being times at school where I would lie about things like going on holiday because all my friends were going away and we obviously couldnt. But I was never resentful of my mum and I understood. We got on our feet when I was about 13 and she started to give me a fiver a week (im 26 now so 13 years ago). and this was brilliant I really thought i was great, but I still understood when there was the odd week she couldnt afford it.
  When I was 15 I got a part time job and earned between £40 and £70 per week! which was brilliant, my mum was so happy and from that age I saved my money and whenever I needed or wanted clothes I would just buy them myself, my mum used to say I was better off than she was - which to be truthful with at least £120 per month disposable income I probably was.
  I've always understood the value of money and I would never resent my mum or be angry that we had such a tough time or that I worried so much so young. But I think what I'm trying to say is I'm really glad that I'm going to be able to give my kids anything (within reason!) they need and I know that they will never go through the worry that I did - I was too young to be thinking of such things. Don't get me wrong I will teach my kids (first one on the way!) the value of money and they wont get everything handed to them, but I just never want them to worry about the wider implications of money - as in money in relation to the whole family - I dont want them to think about bills etc.
  Sorry for the really long post i'm getting to my point! I would teach your daughter that money is tight (but do not go into detail) and explain that she will have to learn to budget her own money. If you give her money each month then set an amount and let that be that, and I wouldnt keep topping up her phone explain that she needs to budget for this. Let the money her father gives her be hers and try not to resent this at all - but encourage her to be sensible with it.
  She needs her bedroom redecorated - its things like this that I wouldnt let her worry about the money end - because she will feel guilty and bad and resentful, stick to your budget of course and tell her your budget but don't mention that you are worried about it. Also its her room - make sure she helps decorate it - I remember me and my mum doing that and it was a great day!
  Sorry for the long post but I do fret about little ones getting bogged down with "adult" problems.
• I'm with nadnad on this.
  Good luck.
• I've got 2 boys aged 11 and 14, they get Ј5 and Ј6.50 pocket money, it rises by 50p each b'day.
  The 11 year old does lots of jobs and earns money, not a lot, Ј3 for giving the car a wash, a pound here and there and he gets a fiver if he scores a goal in his footie team.
  The older boy doesn't do much and therefore he doesn't earn much but he is very frugal and saves and saves.
  I dont get a penny maintenance from their dad.
  I buy clothes as and when i need to, not often, as they usually get the majority for their birthday and xmas presents.
  The younger boy usually wears hand me downs, but not so much recently as they are almost the same size now. If they want to go to the cinema or anything with their friends then they have to use their pocket money..end of!
  To be honest, i've spoken to most of their friends parents and everything i do is pretty standard with all their friends.
  I think your daughter definately has more than enough and dont feel bad about feeling annoyed, try and explain to her that it may be an idea to save some, for things like her mobile, as this is her responsibilty, and use the money a little more wisely, to be sure not to be short if she wants to do something special with her friends.
  Good Luck, my daughter is now 21, and flown the nest, thank goodness!!!!
• to be fair she does pay for her own dancing lessons from her dads money and is pretty good at ebaying to fund new purchases - we did have a chat about the budget and mney beofre any way thanks for the responses I will read them properly but as for now shes back and really needs msn - there must be friends she has not spoken to for a good couple of hours bless lol
• I give my 12 year old Ј10 4 weekly when I get my child benefit. I occasionally top his phone up Ј5 but he does budget for it.
  I buy his clothes & am happy to go with his choice (he is not really into labels) but refuse to buy football shirts - he saves pocket/birthday/xmas money for them.
  When its hol time I dont mind paying for a trip to the cinema or bowling etc. But he is already coming to me asking to go the cinema & promising to wash the cars in return (which he does!) that made me feel quite proud of him! Also he refuses to buy sweets or drink in the cinema because he says its a rip off!! He pops into Wilkinsons first!! Proper little moneysaver in the making!!
  Your daughter is very lucky lol!! Could you maybe come to an agreement that a certain amount is saved each month? :rolleyes:
• In the cold light of day - think I was too hard on her she does do well with her money - she just likes her shopping like my mum and ex-husband.
  As long as she is like my mum who has never been in debt I will be happy - she knows how to save think I was very grumpy yesterday. Its her money from her dad so not for me to say how it is spent - she does contibute to presents for her friends and me and her dad. I do expect her to contribute for little things for her bedroom over the next couple of weeks.
  Thank you all for your comments
• Ј600 quid a year is a lot of disposable income for a 12 year old!!
  I would try and get her into the habit of banking some of that, otherwise she will have a shock when she gets into the real world... many young working adults do not have that much cash to spend on non essentials!!
• As soon as she is old enough, let her do a paper round, that is if you are able to accompany her. My son did a paper round and now works at McDonalds when he isn't at college. He has been to Australia to visit a friend twice now, paid for out of his own money. I have tried to instill the same values into my daughter but oh dear, money is water through her hands! She worked in coffee shops etc but somehow her money just doesn't last :rolleyes:
  You can only do your best. But it is important for her to get into the habit of saving, can only do her good. Good luck!
• I have 2 kids 11 and 14. They get no where near that amount. infact I dont get that much!!! My hubby and I believe that they really need to learn the value of money. Money burns a hole in my sons pocket if he has it and will buy things he doesnt need, but my daughter is more sensible and will eek it out. Some of her friends have loads of cash to flash, and she considers that they waste it. I love the way she doesnt feel the need to "keep up" with them. Perhaps you could get her to save at least a 3rd.
• cor blimey at that age i used to get £1 a week and make do with what i had the odd 10 pence for a sweets mix LOL i mean my parents used to buy me clothes but never had the option of buying my own!!
  x
• Personally I feel your ex is being irresponsible giving the money to her. In an ideal world, he should give it to you and then you use it for her things, giving her some of it for herself. Of course she probably would not contemplate that now
  How much is he going to give her when she is 16 when the bigger social life expenses start?
• Your daughter should feel lucky. I insist my kids earn their pocket money and i got the two older ones a free paper round each for after school. They are happy and can't wait to get their wage packets and not a penny of their pocket money comes from me. If your on a budget then you can't give them what they want it's as simple as that.