Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

A question about : Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

Bewildered, confused, terrified that will lose everything we have worked so hard to build up. Over 70 K unsecured debt and 28K owed to family. Have been self employed for 10 years but business gradually gone down hill in recession. partner went back t o work, on good salary 47K but not enough, plus some money still coming in from business/part time jobs. Have 3 years left of independent school fees (yes we could pull child out but it would destroy him - please don't judge), older child about to go to university and we won't be able to provide much support. Talked to debt charity earlier this year and wrote to some creditors but not all - kept thinking things would improve but they haven't yet, so now need to do the rest - wish I had listened and acted fully 6 months ago. Better late than never I guess. Desperately looking for a job but too stressed to produce good applications. Sleep deprivation and now relationship problems. Have a decent house but don't want to downsize as have elderly parents with health issues who will need our support and probably move in with us. Health beginning to suffer. Don't know how we got ourselves into this state - well educated, professionals, feel totally ashamed, so keep up the pretences with everyone that everything is hunky dory. So sad and depressed.

Best answers:

• Hi NOA, Just want to say you are not on your own. There's plenty of people on here in a similar situation to you. It's that lightbulb moment of realisation when you know you have to accept that there is a problem with the level of debts and need to do something about it. Have you thought about contacting one of the debt charities, Stepchange or National Debtline to discuss your options in confidence? If you don't want to speak to anyone you can do the Debt Remedy on the National Debtline 'My Money' app instead, which will help you decide what to do. I used both and am so pleased I did because they helped me set up manageable payment plans with all creditors. I feel so much better and can sleep at night. Like you, I spent years in denial trying to keep up appearances, but all the while getting more and more in debt. It can happen to anyone. Well done for posting, you have taken that really hard first step. All the best. HB
• Thank you Historybuff, for your words of support.
  I did speak to one of the charities a few months ago anonymously and took some advice but didn't act fully - it's so hard as we have always had a fantastic credit record - borrowed lots earned lots paid it all off quickly etc, but the economic climate in the last few years really knocked us back. I am trying to build up the courage to ring and admit defeat and ask for help. Tomorrow, first thing.
  Have to because my family is falling apart.
• Hi no-one around
  Just want to send my support and echo History Buffs words too. There are lots in same position you are not alone.
  You've had your lightbulb moment, you will get through it. Definitely talk to one of the organisations HB mentions. I read lots on here about people coping and there are so many ways to make ends meet.
  BTW have you talked to the school about a bursary? You should do, if you haven't yet.
  Good luck and keep going.
• Thank you Supersaver 1000, it is heart-warming and so encouraging to have people read and take the time to reply - maybe there is someone around after all? It has been so hard not to be able to talk to people, easier to open up here.
  We stopped eating out, rarely have coffees out, packed lunches, and weekly shopping down from 150/week to 70-80 for family of 4 (all effectively adults. Reduced house insurance/utilities etc, and only have outings on Tesco vouchers etc. Children don't get pocket money and both have been brilliant - don't ask for anything much and aren't into fashion/latest gadgets (well they are but don't ask for them!). I used to get a bursary when both were in private schools but my older child went to state sixth form so I now have to pay full fees for my younger child as our family income is borderline and house has some equity. Might ask them again perhaps, I do a lot of voluntary work for the PTA and raised over 2K for the school.
  Thank you again.
• Hi
  We have all been in the proverbial one way or another. Owning up to the issues is the first step, so congratulations Talk to the charities ASAP, but also post an SOA. There will be loads of support for you on these threads...honest!
  Keep going. It will be OK I am sure
  X
• Hello
  If there is one thing I have learnt from these boards is that it is possible to solve debt problems.
  It really is.
  I know that can sound a bit trite but people here do amazing things to get themselves straight, the advice is endless and the ideas and challenges are very helpful.
  You can get control of this. You really can
  keep posting, keep asking
  and sleep XXXXXX
• Hi, if you have a decent house, have you thought of airbnb to make a bit of extra money? Ј40 a night soon adds up...
• Thank you brizzledfw + BuffyTDS + edpvito
  I am amazed at everyone's friendliness and that you are taking the time to read.
  StepChange are brilliant. Cried a lot, but we got there in the end.
  I need to cancel direct debits now and move them to the basic account I set up months ago but which I never transferred all my payments to because I felt disloyal to the bank I have been with for 29 years. By not listening last time (I really thought business would pick up) I have wasted another 1000+ in interest to them. StepChange just spelt it out that while I keep making minimum payments they are making Ј profit from my situation.
  I have been hosting international students for 5 years to make extra money -it is what has kept us going, but that has also gone quiet this term, so no one staying at the moment. I run the business when there is work, have a part time seasonal job as bank staff in a school, have done paid review writing, and do weekend science demos when work is available. Also tried various direct sales companies, but none of it generates enough income, hence need to try and get a salaried job again.
  Thanks for your support ... just feel a bit stronger today.
• Well done on feeling stronger and on speaking to SC.
  Do post an SOA (statement of accounts) - it will help and you will get good advice.
  We now have a lodger..do you? Remember the first Ј4800 p.a or so is tax free. We also had a foreign student for 3 weeks this year.
  Other ideas (some of which we do already and some of which are on my Autumn list!)
  - thinking about making all the family Xmas presents yourself - food, drink, crafts etc - and setting a strict budget for kids
  - what can you sell or rent out? We, for example, have a motorhome we can rent out. Certainly covers its costs. Hit EBay. Amazon..if it ain't nailed down, sell it
  - meal plan everything so there is absolutely NO waste. It cuts out impulse buying too. No convenience food - cook from scratch.
  - keep a spending diary of everyone's spends and income. A note book will do, but an app or PC software is probably easiest to crunch and report from. Assess your weak spots too..mine are holidays, food and alcohol
  - Do a budget NOW. ASAP...
  - do surveys to earn vouchers for Xmas and other presents
  - start exercising to drive those positive endorphins and make sure you sleep and remain healthy..even a few runs will do..
  - see if you can pick up a few hours work from home..virtual PA? Transcribing? Coldcalling? Anything will do and make sure you feel you are getting things in order... appreciate need to get a salaried job, but you need to do something this week, this month and getting a permanent job may take time
  Have to dash now but hope this helps (thats a dodgey group hug from us all, by the way! ) And...sorry to nag, but have you called the school/its charitable trust yet?
• Thanks Brizzledfw, a really useful list. and thanks you for the group hug - it brought a smile to my face!
  I don't have a lodger full time t the moment but we have had rental income of between 2K-9K from students in the last 5 years but usually somewhere around the 3-4K mark. Nothing at the moment though so need to make more enquiries.
  Thanks for nagging - I didn't call today but school starts again on Tuesday next week and I will make an appointment to see the bursar. The general rules are that if you have one child in in private education unlikely to get bursary if household income more than 50 K, but I will ask I promise.
  I have started adding more detail to my budget so will post that when ready.
  I do cook from scratch and in bulk when I can, the only convenience food I buy occasional is supermarket pizza when on offer. A meal for 4 costs Ј4-6 max. I have a teenage son who eats through mountains at the moment!
  We have only spent Ј50 max on presents for birthdays for the children, much less at Christmas, and nothing on each other. Spend minimal on clothes for children - only when needed. I have spent very little on clothes for me (only buy in sales, and only what's needed). Several years ago agreed with my siblings that we would only buy presents for children at Christmas and birthdays and not for each other etc to keep costs down. I have been pretty frugal with everything and cut out holidays abroad etc, we have not been away for the last two years.
  My weakness is education............ and that's why we are in the situation we are in. However I keep saying to myself I have only 3 more years to see my son through to 16, then he can go to state 6th form as my daughter did. I realise this is where people might think I am being stupid, but I come from a working class background, my parents worked night and day to put us through university, and all five of us did well. I am doing what I think is best for my children to give them the best possible chance in life - I see it as an investment in their future and don't want to compromise on this - will do whatever it takes to keep that going.
  Too tired tonight to keep going now. Tomorrows task - post budget here.....................
• Total mortgage Ј210K (96K on interest only with no repayment vehicle)
  Total debt unsecured loans/cc's/overdrafts Ј72,207
  Total borrowed from Mum and Dad Ј19,100
  Total borrowed from sister 20K (her house deposit) but I have shares which are her security when she is ready to buy her own place.
• This is just me unable to sleep despite being tired! jumping in with some ideas.
  1. Prioritise what needs paying first. So Mortgage and household bills.
  2. Which debts are highest interest? Can you make minimum payments? Do that. Am assuming Stepchange have a plan here?
  3. How can you make extra money?
  that is the good bit believe it or not! where you feel in control, like you can influence events and figures.
  A lodger sounds like a start, selling everything - as Brizzled suggests, at first it seems time consuming and you wonder if it is worth it but the key to this whole thing is that every single hard earned penny counts, from the pennies found down the back of the sofa to the surprise e bay sales that save your bacon. You do need it all. Leave no stone unturned, furniture, books, CDs, DVDs, broken jewellery. boot sales, preloved, gumtree,
  Then it is on to your skills, can you sew? repair clothes, knit, bake? pet sit? baby sit? house sit? dog walk? write? do the school run? sell old uniform? old phones? laptops? anything!
  Every time you tidy something up, repair something, re use or sell you are helping your situation.
  I found when I had scary amounts of debt that I had to do something each day to feel like I was making progress.
  take care XXX
  Written with apologies to Brizzled who pretty much said all of this! sorry half asleep and pondering XX
• Thanks for posting on my diary, just wanted to stop by and offer my support. Good luck with ur debt journey.
• Thanks for posting BuffyTDS and Muppets.
  It makes me smile every time I read the name "BuffyThe Debt Slayer" such a positive name - I need to think of one for me Have only recently discovered Buffy - my much younger sister lent her DVDs to my daughter and have watched a few episodes from the second series with her!
  Thanks for all you suggestions. I have been nagging kids to take photos of all their old stuff and sell so they can buy their own things but guess what it didn't get done. I need to take control and do it myself. Was disappointed in my daughter that she didn't get her act together to get a summer job after A Levels so that she could have a pot of money for herself. But over the last few weeks have realised how much our situation has affected her - she hardly ever asks to go out so has missed a lot this year, but she will get a part time job whilst at uni to top up her student loan.
  I have applied for quite a few of the general type jobs over the summer - mostly on gumtree but don't get replies back - I guess hundreds of people must be applying? Will keep trying.
  HURRAY!!!!!HAVE JUST HAD A CALL FROM SCHOOL I AM BANK STAFF AT FOR 6HOURS OF ADMIN WORK ON MONDAY =Ј54
  Also I repair own clothes and reuse as much as poss - but didn't think of doing it for others -Thank you!
  Did have a table top sale Last year and made Ј60 from old toys no longer needed, need to sort out another sale like that!
  Love making things but intention is always there to do a stall for Christmas but I spend so much time helping others (which I love doing and get a real buzz from) that I neglect on affairs....it's a way of forgetting and feeling 'useful' rather than feeling like a failure and having let my children down so badly.
  Since debt started escalating 3-4 years ago (0% periods on cards ran out but debts not reduced, and no room left to shuffle from one card to another) relationship with hubby very poor... whenever I tried to talk to him about it he'd just get angry and be negative, so we'd end up shouting at each other. So though he knew there was a problem, he never sat down and looked at the figures with me. So for 4 years now I have been lying awake at night with heart racing, head spinning, sinking feeling at the bottom of my stomach, too exhausted to get up and do anything but unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours a night.
  I have old LPs in the loft we kept--- need to find someone who collects vinyls and try and sell those!
  So sorry about lengthy posts...it feels quite therapeutic putting it down on paper even if puts people off reading it!
  Thank you everyone
  xxxxx
• I had same problems with OH regarding debt, people just deal with things differently. I sat down and worked out a budget for us, The basis of which is every pound of income has a purpose, I put this all down on paper for him and left him to read it in his own time This avoided any conversation escalating into an argument. It detailed how the wages would be broke down into groceries, debt busting, direct debits etc.
  I allowed him Ј20 a week as his "pocket money" and he gives me his wages every week to implement the budget. He starts to get angry when I tell him what our debt is, purely because that is his coping mechanism. Since I have implemented our new budget, I can now sleep at night and I am a lot more relaxed. Hubby is happier too as he knows the debts are getting paid. I know you probably need your husband to help you right now, but if you at least make a start on your budget and have a plan of attack, it might make the plan easier for him to buy into and allow him to relax a bit more too.
  I would recommend reading the tips on www.youneedabudget.com. I didn't buy the software I just downloaded a free app to keep track of my money, but my budget is based on the advice this website give.
  Good Luck
• Hi NOA
  I remeber those feelings well. Haven't got much advice to give as others have said it for me. We had a lot of debt, which is now gone, so it can be done. Good luck.
  L
• Here goes as I brace myself
  Mortgage = 1299.....fixed till next year
  C Tax= 156
  Electricity=80........reviewed 4 months ago need to check again
  Water=22
  Oil=185 for hotwater/heating -we are really carefully with heating
  Calor Gas=7
  House Insurance=36 (managed to slash in half!)
  TV=13
  Landline/internet=45 required for business
  Mobiles x3 =44 (daughter going to uni therefore needs one too)
  Life insurance=230 (need to look into this as policies from several years ago)
  Road Tax=40
  Car Insurance=76 (couldn't get cheaper)
  Diesel=380 (high as two cars, OH needs for work, live in rural area, no buses)
  Servicing/breakdown cover=112
  DenPlan=56
  Contact lens/glasses=27 (all4 of us where glasses)
  Groceries/homestuff=300 (reduced from 500+)
  drycleaning=4
  School fees=1345
  Clthing/shoes=18
  Business software=80
  business website=30
  national insurance=24
  token payment towards debt= 30 as advised by stepchange
  Total outgoings = 4639
  Total income as at today = 4200 (employment 3000, self-employment varies each month)
  currently no rental income - this is what has made up the difference over the past 3-4 years
  Need to fund monthly shortfall urgently.
  2 new clients confirmed work today (Ј2500 before tax)..wont get this probably till end Sept