Sister in-law has asked us to give Ј300 for parent's 60th Anniversary

A question about : Sister in-law has asked us to give Ј300 for parent's 60th Anniversary

Hello

It's my mother and father in-law's 60th Wedding Anniversary very soon and my sister in-law has asked that all siblings give Ј300 towards a holiday for their parents.

Throughout the 30 years of our marriage my husband has always paid whatever she has requested, for their parent's birthdays etc. I'm interested in hearing whether you think it reasonable and fair that 1 sibling decides the amount that all the others must pay.

To be honest, Ј300 is more than we expected to pay - maybe Ј150-200!

Look forward to your replies. Many thanks in advance.
Booklover

Best answers:

• Woah woah woah that is a LOT of money! Your husband surely just needs to tell her no! That is one heck of a holiday!
• In my family, we don't ask for money.
  We suggest an idea, and ask what everyone thinks of it, including whether it is affordable, before going ahead.
  This sounds rude and presumptuous, and I'd be telling SIL that if I were you.
• For any large event in our parents lives our family does club together for something special and I may be guilty of doing as your SIL has done and suggest something that we can afford and assume my siblings can afford it too. The value I would have no problem with, it's a holiday for a 60th wedding anniversary, and we do spend similar amounts. As you were prepared to pay about Ј200 anyway is it worth getting into family disputes over Ј100?
• When their gone, your Hubby will wish you'd given a lot more than Ј300.
• We have always been aware of family finances and would never suggest anything that was out of the range of all.
  I would also expect to have discussed this with other family members before coming to a decision. I wouldn't just say right it is Ј300.
  If you feel it is too much then don't pay it.
• Much depends on how well you & SIL & parents communicate.
  If it really is going to be a Ј600 holiday & she's done proper MS due diligence & this is the very best package for the 600 and it is what the inlaws honestly would like (it might be a 900 or 1200 holiday, after all, tastes vary) then if you can afford it, pay up & wish them all the best.
  If you are uncertain, then talk - to husband first. He may not realise sundry MS tips & tricks could be used, or have a previously unvoiced concern sis is a bit too keen on bingo.
  If no matter how well researched, you simply can't find Ј300, then definitely talk - to husband, to SIL (could she lend you that 300 & you trickle pay it back?) and to parents in law. They've managed 60 years matrimony, but they've some OS tips! And are they absolutely sure they want this holiday? A bucket list thing or just SIL thinking nice idea for them?
  Hang on - *all siblings*? Where's she sending the parents to? Vegas? Switzerland?!
  Definitely time to check when you get free phone calls & start talking.
• It would depend where they are going but Ј300 isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things IMO.
  Especially for that occasion and the fact its your parents.
  I am going to stump up about that for my sister's 30th.
• If it's a special anniversary and a trip to somewhere they'd love then an extra Ј100 now to me wouldn't seem huge.
  Presumably they are in their eighties so any trip could be the last trip that health allows them to do together .....so to quibble over an extra hundred that you can afford rather than an impossible amount for your budget doesn't seem like much to me - but a lot depends if it is can't afford or don't want to afford. For me I know my parents went without at times when we were kids so if I had to stretch my budget to treat them I probably would (both my parents are now dead so sadly I am not lucky enough to have your dilemma)
• When we're buying presents together, my family usually discusses what kind of thing we'd like to get, then we decide on a budget and then usually one person will take responsibility for finding the present and we all pay up. Sometimes one of us won't have much of an opinion and won't say much but the budget is always agreed first, so it does sound a bit off to me for the sister to just decide what and how much and then ask for the money.
  However, I suppose it probably depends on the past - if she has always been left to sort things for the last 40-50 years, it wouldn't be unreasonable of her to expect that she will be left to sort it again this year. Has your husband actively involved himself in present-buying or budget-setting? I have sisters so we all tend to get involved but my OH has brothers and one sister; it's always the sister who is left to sort out presents so she does tend to just say what they're buying and what everybody should contribute.
• i hate the idea of combined presents ...but thats just me...I think it stems from the fact I like to choose a gift rather than be told!
  I guess it really depends what you normally do as a family and how comfortable with doing it.
  With regards to te amount some would find that perfectly acceptable and others would really struggle ...
  If its the amount you are worried about then speak to whoever is fixing the price and explain its a little more than you were hoping to spend andsee if the holiday can be trimmed a little...maybe two nights instead of 3 for example.
  If you say no what impact is that going to have...and I think thats what you really need to consider...sometimes it is just a case of sucking it up to give them the "treat" they deserve...sorry theres no real answer here you just have to go with what you feel you can afford and assess the potential impact on how others treat you if you decide against the full contribution...only you know how you are viewed in the eyes of your family!
  A few years back we were asked to attend a birthday meal for a family member at a very posh resturant and the amount was eye watering and far more than we would even have spent an a special meal...but we went and we paid up probably because we wanted not to cause a scene...it was a nice night and I am glad we were there to share the party...but I also wish that others in the family had asked for opinions and budgets first before assuming what ours was.
• For me, it depends on a lot of things. As usual, what is reasonable to some may not be reasonable to others. How much is the holiday, how many siblings, who decided to get them the holiday as a gift, did everyone agree, etc. Ј300 my seem like a lot for a holiday, but if (for example) there are three siblings and the holiday is for two people, then Ј900 won't necessarily go far. When my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary, my siblings and I spent Ј500/600 each on their gift which incidentally was also a holiday to the Caribbean (their birth place). We had decided to do it the year before, so we had plenty of time to save up if need be.
• If there has been a pattern whereby your SIL makes a decision and the other siblings have always been happy to go along with it then it is unreasonable to expect her to know that you and your DH are no longer happy with that. I think that you DH would need to have a conversation with her (and perhaps the other siblings) and explain that while he appreciates her hard work in organising things, he and you are working on being more organised with your own finances and he would, in future, prefer that she discuss with him any proposed joint gifts so that the budget is set by all of the siblings, not just by her.
  If the Ј300 it out of your budget right now, then I think, as long as the holiday has not yet been booked, he can say to her that he is sorry, but doesn't have Ј300 in the budget, that he is happy to contribute Ј150- Ј200 and would she like any help in identifying a suitable holiday on a slightly lower budget.
  if the holiday is already booked then I think on this occasion you need to go with it, as it would be unfair to leave SIL out of pocket just because you and your DH want to change the long standing arrangement about how these things have been organised in his family, and then have the conversation with her afterwards, about planning for any future joint gifts.
  In my family , where we have done joint gifts it has always been on the basis of discussions about what can be afforded, either "Dad would really like X but it's too expensive for me to buy alone, is anyone interested in doing it as a joint gift?" or a case of eveyrone putting a set amount in and then deciding what to buy. In the first example, where there is a specific thing that we're trying to get, the shares have not always been equal, as we each contributed what we could afford. (this depends on the family dynamics. Last time we bought something in this way my younger brother was just out of university and was on NMW whereas the rest of us were all in fairly well paid jobs,. He put in what he could afford and we split the balance equally.
• It's not the money I'd be concerned about. What exactly is your SIL planning? Do your MiL and FiL even want to go on a holiday? Mine certainly wouldn't when they hit the 50th, let alone 60.
• Hello again.
  Sorry for the delay in replying; many thanks for all your very replies. I'll add some further details now.
  It's my husband's parents 60th Wedding Anniversary - NOT, my parents, they both died several years ago.
  My sister in-law asked her parents what they'd like as a present; they said a holiday in Paris. In total, 5 siblings are expected to donate Ј300 each. Therefore: Ј1500 will be available for their holiday. The other siblings have all agreed to this amount. There was no consultation with my husband regarding the amount (there never has been over the last 30 years!) and it's very difficult being the only ones raising concerns about it.
  As a result, we'll just 'suck it up' and give the money. No choice really!
  It annoys me for many reasons, I'd rather not go into. But thanks everyone for your input. It's certain been very helpful.