Should we help pay for the wedding?

A question about : Should we help pay for the wedding?

My son and partner who are both young with children are getting married Abroad, with an evening reception back in the UK afterwards. We lent them Ј10,000, interest free, for a deposit on a house 3 years ago and, as yet, don't know when we are likely to get that back, if ever. It is going to cost us between Ј5000 and Ј6000 to go Abroad, with are other children, for the wedding. All communication regarding the wedding has been through my future daughter-in-law. I am in a quandry as to whether we should be contributing towards the evening reception back in the UK. If we hadn't already put up Ј10,000 for a deposit on a house for them, I wouldn't hesitate but to contribute, but at the moment I am feeling like we have done our part - what does anybody else think we should do?

Best answers:

• I think that you have done your part too and as it will cost a lot to get out there then that in itself is a contribution.
  If you feel you want to be involved you could maybe offer to pay for flowers or the cake?
• I also think you have done your part, perhaps you could write off so much of the Ј10k that they owe (whatever your financial contribution would have been to the wedding if you hadn't given this money) and say that this is their part of your contribution
• I agree with Spendless and Elona.
• Tradition would say that the father of the bride should be the one paying for it. The loan you have given them is obviously generous but at the end of the day is still a loan and not a gift which is what parents typically do for a wedding. Prehaps one idea would be write off part or all the loan rather than give them more money towards the wedding and then ask for the loan back at a later date?
  A friend recently decided than he will give each of his kids £20,000 (1 boy and 2 girls) when they get engaged/ serious with their partners but let them decide if they want to put it towards the wedding or towards a house etc which I thought was a good idea (and he will be up front that if they spend it on something other than the wedding he will not give them more for the wedding itself at a later date)
• Thanks for all your replies - we have thought about knocking off some of the loan as a "wedding present".
• I would say you have done enough and your son and partner need to learn to manage money. Having a wedding abroad which is no doubt costing them and guests a small fortune is OTT. Don't they realise they have a 10k debt which they should offer to repay first. I wouldn't offer to write off any of the loan yet either if they have not started repaying you. Keep as quiet as them regarding the money and see how they like it. If they have started to repay the loan then it might be appropriate to partially write some of it off.
• This is obviously quite a hard decision for you. How was the money dealt with when you originally lent them it for the house? Did you tell them it was a loan to be paid back, was there any papers signed?
  Either way I would be careful how I approached them with it if you are knocking some off as a wedding present - have they mentioned paying it back or are they already doing so?
  However I agree with the previous poster who says that tradition says that the brides parents pay for the wedding!
• I think weddings are overrated. If people really want to get married they shouldn't feel the need to spend a fortune. And if they want a big do then they should be able to pay for it by themselves.
• If they are already at least Ј10K in debt, it seems daft paying to have both a wedding abroad, and a reception in the UK. Would they consider just having the wedding abroad, or the reception and a UK wedding to cut costs?
  For loads of money saving wedding tips, point the bride in the direction of this thread:
  https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/...d.html?t=41608
  If you've already given them money for the house, you shouldn't feel obliged to pay for anything else if you don't want to.
  I recently got married. I've been a single mother for a long time, then met someone and married him. I didn't expect my parents to pay for anything and had drawn up plans based on our budget, but my parents kindly gave us some money towards the reception.
• Perhaps I should add a note to my original posting - it is the bride's parents who are paying for the wedding - I regularly discuss with my son the fact that they still owe us 10K but, as yet, they are not in a position to remortgage to take out that extra 10K (I regularly mention it just so they know it isn't to be forgotten). It was our decision to lend them the 10K as they had a baby on the way and it is the only way they would have got on the property ladder but, for some reason, I feel guilty at not offering to help the bride's parents with the cost of the wedding, although they have never offered to share the cost of the outstanding loan with us. My dilemma is that, as a few people here say, tradition has gone out of the window, but I really do think we have outlayed enough money, although for a different reason with this relationship, and we are losing interest on the money for every year the loan is outstanding. As far as the couple are concerned, they are very young, have worked very hard to pay for the mortgage and bills, managing with second-hand furniture, grateful for any handouts, they don't have many luxuries and spend hardly anything on clothes, so I can't begrudge them wanting a nice wedding to seal their relationship - it's a young girl's dream, but I need to rid myself of the "guilt" feelings, if we decide not to offer to help (it is a decision I am finding very difficult to make).
• Looking at it from the point of view of a daughter planning her wedding... I don't expect my parents to contribute at all, although they have offered to pay for the bridesmaids dresses as I chose my sisters to be bm's.
  We would like to get married in a Scottish castle and have a few shortlisted, but only ones that are in our price range... however we will still be paying more than getting married in a registry office, but we want to do it this way. Our relatives will have to travel from the Midlands to Scotland and stay a couple of nights, but we wouldn't dream of asking for expensive gifts as well. Your son is choosing to get married abroad, and must be aware that people will have to pay out for flights, accommodation, meals and a wedding gift!
  It would probably be nice if you make a 'token' gesture such as offering to pay for the cake for the UK reception, but I wouldn't write off any of the Ј10k, they should pay it back. I think 'kids' can come to rely on their parents too much, I want to be financially independent and owe no money to anyone (apart from mortgage if we ever choose to buy a house.)
• If the brides parents are paying for the wedding abroad (and I am assuming they can afford this) and are happy with this why are you feeling guilty?
  I appreciate it is a young girls dream to have a lovely wedding but this really needn't be abroad (costing lots of extra money), that is their choice and they must have discussed it.
  I think you have given enough to the couple (in money terms) and remember because of their choice to go abroad you are forking out a further fortune to be able to attend, whereas if it was in your neighbourhood you would probably looking at a couple of hundred rather than thousand.
  STOP FEELING GUILTY!!!! I think it shows what a lovely parent you are to feel like this, but they have made the decision and if the girls parents cannot afford to fund it then they should downsize their plans, you cannot, even these days "expect" parents to fund weddings. I believe these days lots of young couples fund the whole day etc themselves.
  You have helped them out with funds to help them buy a home, this is much more important that a single day. If it is going to help your guilty feelings (which you should have none) then I would offer to write-off a part of the loan (provided you can afford to lose that money).
• As a total cost then a wedding abroad probably does cost more (taking into account all the guests travelling costs) but is it actually more expensive for the couple/ brides father?
  I have never gotten married but one of my team is currently on an extended holiday for her wedding and honeymoon and talking to her the other day she said that they had considered having their wedding abroad but decided to have it a church in the UK in the end but said it was significantly more expensive for them (they are paying for it themselves).
  The main increase in cost of having it abroad is the flights but then they were going to stay at the same place for their honeymoon so it was actually only an extra day or two in the hotel but all the rest of the costs were much lower and having less guests made things a lot cheaper too.
• I am getting married in July and my parents are paying for everything (yes, I'm very very lucky). My father is of the opinion that I'm his only daughter and will only have one wedding, so therefore it's his job to "get rid of me" . Should my brother ever get married, then it will be up to his girlfriend's parents to pay (or my brother............)
  A friend who is getting married abroad (she will be 28 when she gets married) next year is not receiving any contribution from her parents, nor from his. As they have decided to marry abroad, then it's up to them how they fund their special day.
  Obviously, different people have different ways of dealing with things. You have already contributed greatly to your son's relationship - far more than other parents, I imagine. You should not feel guilty about not paying for the wedding - especially as you'll have to pay so much money to even get YOURSELF there!
• Please don't feel guilty. You have been more than generous in the past. From the tone of your posts you cannot afford to write of the 10k especially facing a Ј5/6k bill for attending the wedding.
  I appreciate you say they are not extravagent in their day to day living so they must surely realise what an enormous expense it is for you just to attend the wedding.
  If here parents wish to spend their money on their daughter in such a way then that's their perogative.