Reeling from the Reality Check

A question about : Reeling from the Reality Check

Well, I have finally faced up to the huge debt mountain I have to climb after years of denial when I was spending without thinking of the consequences.
Paid for three children to go through university, supported them with living expenses etc. Husband took early retirement and a small part time job which paid him his spending money and I took on all the bills etc thinking I could keep our living standards up to what they had been before.
Five years down the line after using credit to keep us going and helping youngest daughter start her own business, the shaky credit pile has started to fall down.
Minimum payments can't be met and I know something has to be done about it.
Foolishly I kept all the spiralling debt from my husband in an attempt to fool myself that it wasn't happening. It was the classic ignore the letters, hide them and don't open them and it will go away scenario.
Well now my husband is taking his pension and I have to come clean about the debt situation. I have spent many many sleepless nights worrying about how to tell him and what will happen. I can't even tell him what all the money has been spent on because it has trickled away over at least ten years, escalating in the last five. Robbing Peter to pay Paul thinking it was under control, but it was not.
He knows about the overdraft because he found out about it when he went to sort out about banking his pensions...it did not go down at all well. He has no idea of the scale of the other debts. I owe nearly double the amount of our first mortgage...it's really bad.
I have today taken my first steps in trying to address the debt. I've worked out the actual amounts owing to every creditor and taken the decision to work with Step Change to move forward. Their straightforward advice means I have a plan to at least get started on. I've made moves to open a new basic bank account, cancelled the direct debits and cut up the cards. Tomorrow I will send in the DMP forms and talk to some of the creditors. A bit more thinking tonight about how and when to break it to my husband.
I've had a massive wake up call, I know, but I do feel that taking positive action to address what is a huge problem and being able to accept it is a big step forward for me. My head is out of the sand and it's time to take control...hope it's not too late!

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Best answers:

• Well done Historybuff for starting to get to grips with things and making a plan.
  It must be very hard for you not having been able to share this with your husband and I hope that your discussions work out well.
  The people on this forum are amazing, helpful and supportive so you will get lots of good advice to help you beat down those debts.
  I am someone that needs to do the sums properly - I have been cutting back but it would good to work everything out accurately and be able to see our progress.
• Thanks Skintmama. It makes such a difference being able to talk about the debt problems after keeping them secret for so long...even from myself. I've read a lot on the forums yesterday and today and it makes it a bit easier seeing that there other people out there coping with the same kind of level of debts as me. It's good to talk!
• Hi Historybuff,
  Didn't want to read and run.... welcome!
  We all have to start somewhere and you've begun your journey. Well done. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.
  I've kept my debt situation to myself since 2007 when I had my first LBM. At the second LBM in 2008 I resolved I needed help, so got in touch with PayPlan who helped with setting up a DMP and i've never looked back. There were times when I could have crumbled, but resolved that I'd got myself into this mess and was damn sure I was going to get myself out of it. I'll be debt free next month.
  I'm not advocating that you shouldn't tell your husband and you'll probably find it a great relief when you do, but do it when you're ready - maybe when you know how you're going to sort it out. I've been taught that if you go to someone with a problem, you may as well try to take the resolution too.
  Good luck - you will get there x
• Hello History Buff and welcome!
  Well done on taking the first steps to tackling your debt, it is do-able and you're now well on the way.
• Hi cherrylips30,
  From what I can see the DMP can only help. I'm not worried about getting a bad credit rating because the last thing I ever want to do is borrow more money!
  I'll keep things to myself a bit longer...as you say, bringing a solution to the problem would be a good thing.
  Congratulations on being nearly debt free!
• I was the same in regards to my credit rating. I never want to see another credit card in my life! I much prefer spending cold, hard cash.
  Thanks for the congrats, the plan is to save what my debt repayments were, siphon the money out of my current account and squirrel it away in my savings account. I've not had any savings since I was about 12, so i'm looking forward to the balance creeping up, rather than watching the debt balance creeping down.
  Wishing you strength x
• So day two of moving forward on the debts. Just having a quiet five minutes before cracking on with my list. Just looking at the amounts written down makes me feel sick...
  It's going to be a step by step process.
  I saw on another thread about the 1% challenge, so I'm looking at it as I have 100 steps to go to get debt free. Just starting on the first step now.
  Have a good Monday!
• Well, it's been a busy day. I took the day off work to do a money makeover and spent the day looking for good switching deals etc. I'm pleased to say that Martin was right and that it is definitely worth doing. So far I shall be saving Ј1633 a year on phone bills, energy bills, insurance and broadband/TV. I still have more things to look for...a day isn't enough really and I have come to the conclusion that your finances should be tackled like a 'proper' job. That's what I shall be doing from now on at any rate.
  One thing I'm gutted about though, is that I didn't cancel the DDs for the credit cards soon enough and now the money that I had earmarked for the energy and water bills has been taken by M and S and Tesco! Gutted. Especially as I will now have to find Ј300 from somewhere by Wednesday to put in the bank to stop going over my overdraft limit. Can't use credit cards...I've cut them up!
  So... Hopefully I should hear soon about my new safe bank account and as soon as I do I shall be sending off the DMP forms.
  It's very stressful trying to get everything set up. I'm so looking forward to not having to worry so much all the time.
  Any advice on when is the best time to talk to creditors? Or shall I just leave it and let Step Change speak for me...
• Some impressive savings there through switching; you are doing well already! I think that you are so right about saying that tackling finances should be given more priority in our lives.
  Sorry I don't have any advice about Step Change as I haven't used them. Have you tried asking the question on DebtFreeWannabe as opposed to in this Diaries section?
  I would also recommend visiting the Oldstyle threads and the Grocery Challenge for cutting down on food bills.
• Morning Historybuff
  Well done on your journey so far. It was only last month when I switched bank accounts to a basic (No overdraft) account.
  I had to do it to escape the spiral of debts that bank charges on my old overdraft were causing me.
  The first month or so for you will be a struggle and a juggling act and you sometimes have to face that the debt will get slightly worse before it can get better.
  Get switched over to that new asap, and start budgeting strictly.
  I found a new budgeting system called YNAB - You need a budget, which has helped me enormously. Might be worth you checking it out sometime if you feel the need for a new budgeting system. It is free for the first 34 days and then you have to pay a one off fee. There are lots of deals around for it, and I managed to get it for Ј18 in the end, and then its yours for life.
  Might be worth putting up an SOA - Statement of affairs to see if the nice people on here can help with any of your other bills.
  https://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php
  Food bills are always a good place to reduce your outgoings.
  Lots of luck. I didn't think I would ever advocate this, after years of hiding our debt, but once you are all set up with your DMP etc, have that chat to your hubby.
  I tried and failed countless times to secretly beat the debt, but always failed as hubby wasn't in the picture. Sometimes it takes two to sort it out. I nearly caved the other day and wanted a takeway but hubby stepped in a helped cook dinner and we avoided the expense.
  Lots of luck will follow your journey. xx
• Hi historybuff. You sound like a coper, so I am sure you will be able to work out a solution and see it through.
  You also sound like the vast majority of your debt has been run up trying to look after everyone else and making sure that they achieved their dreams, don't let this be at the expense of your own health and sanity, and don't let hubby lay a guilt trip on you.
  If he doesn't cope well, as another poster suggested, present him with the solution.
  You can do it alone, but why should you, surely it is time for the family to do their bit too x.
• Well done! It's really daunting but you are making all the right moves.
  RR x
• Thanks to all you lovely posters...great comments and good advice. It was really hard going back into work today, the drive was miserable, but once there and immersed in the day things started to look up.
  I had a really good look at the national debt line pages and find them very well set out and extremely helpful. I printed off the self help booklet and will be going through it this evening. Their skeleton letters were also very useful. I'm now having to decide whether to go with a Step Change, national debt line or have a go at doing it myself. The latter I'm not to sure of because of the bother of contacting all the creditors etc.
  Got the new bank account sorted today...managed to get a normal current account with interest for credit balances! No overdraft and I didn't take up the switching service. I think it's better if I do the switching myself, so I can control it better. Also I'm not yet ready for my existing bank knowing I'm on the move. Cancelled the rest of the DDs that needed to be done and phoned the energy people to let them know I would have to pay this months payment later. They were fine, I think I have a credit balance with them anyway.
  Final bit of business today was haggling another Ј40 off our AA breakdown cover and being upgraded to silver membership for staying with them. Why haven't I done this before!
  So, having cut up the credit cards and being at the absolute limit of my overdraft, I now have the princely sum of Ј10 left until 23rd Feb. It's going to be an interesting 12 days!
  Thanks to you all for your interest! I feel so much better being able to talk about it...even anonymously.
• Hi Stressedsteph,
  Good to hear from someone who has just switched bank accounts. What was the reaction of your existing bank when they realised you had moved? I'm worrying a bit because we have the mortgage, overdraft and I have a credit card from the same institution! How daft of us to do that. But I never thought about it and I think we felt we were being loyal to the bank that we had been with for years. I must admit I do feel a bit guilty, like I'm sneaking off! But I guess to them we really are just a number.
  I shall get onto the SOA as soon as I can as any help would be very welcome. I'm finding it quite satisfying getting organised and looking for savings. I think a lot of what went wrong for me was having everything on DDs and I just didn't take any notice of what was going on in the bank because it was all automatic. I only started taking notice when things started going wrong and then it was too late!
  Good luck with the debt busting!
• Best of luck history buff. You've already made great inroads to reducing your outgoings. One question though. If you're in credit with your energy supplier, why are you paying them?
• Hi historybuff
  Just dropping in to say hello and to say you're in the right place! This forum is really supportive and offers priceless practical guidance.
  We're all with you every step of the way xx
• hi history buff. Well done on all the changes that is a great saving. I know you mentioned your OH had retired, but surely he must have wondered who your standard of living didn't change when that happened? I would lay it all out for him.
  I would go with Stepchange, they are very good at what they do, and you avoid the stress of having to deal with your creditors. Some companies can be right pains when you go through this process, so best avoided.
  good luck
  chev
• Hi In Need of Direction,
  Re the energy...it's on a monthly direct debit payment, so it often goes into credit. I get a discount for paying by DD.
  Thanks for taking an interest.
• Hi Chevalier,
  I don't know...I think I just wanted to keep things going and didn't even want to admit it to myself or anyone else. While there was some slack in the credit limits I just kept going. I feel really rubbish about it. I'm going to have to start talking to my OH about the overdraft very soon though because he's going to have to move to another bank account elsewhere so they don't set off money from his account to it. I've been thinking about what to say all week. Just going to have to bite the bullet.
  So much money wasted, it makes me feel sick just thinking about it.