Racial comments at school

A question about : Racial comments at school

It was inevitable really

Son reports that a kid at school is being mean to him. When queried says lad calls him That Indian xxxxx

Son is 11, and mixed race, other kid and parent is known to us and they were at primary together but never friends.

School is 'good community type' white suburban.

Indian parent says just ignore it, he's just trying to wind you up and will get fed up of it if you don't react. If it starts to bother you or gets worse tell us again and we'll contact the school.

Son doesn't want school contacted, and Indian parent is afraid if it is reported physical violence may ensue and it may all escalate.

White parent kind of agrees but thinks maybe if you let people get away with this stuff it is bad for the school community, may show son as weak (and prompt more nasty stuff). Think it would be good to offer son some alternate strategies to use in this situation if ignoring it doesn't work.
1. Maybe - Tell kid you don't like it and could he stop?
2. Get mutual friend to say much the same to Kid?
3. Tell Kid you don't like it could he stop and if he doesn't kid will tell parents/report to teacher.

Or should we say to son. We are the adults we'll sort it and

4 Have a quiet word with parents
5. Have a quiet word with school

I should stress I don't want to blow this up out of proportion as son doesn't appear to be in any distress over it and I recognise that in the scheme of things it's small beer. I think though this will be the first of many and would like the three of us to have a strategy. By the way son is quite capable of saying mean stuff (though not racist) but he is not a fighter.

Has anyone any experience of this kind of stuff?

Best answers:

• Difficult one.
  I don't think i'd want to leave it, if the kid has said something once he'll say it again and then others will join in. Depending upon what the parents are like an approach to them may be better before making a big issue out of it by going to the school.
  Unfortunately it's always going to happen, in life it's not just children.
• I don't think its 'small beer' - in the real world racist comments are not tolerated. in fact they are 'illegal'. So why should a child be expected to ignore them?
  the school need to know this is going on. its happening on THIER premises so its their duty to deal with it.
  I wouldn't approach parents directly - where do you think the child has got his 'attitude' from?
  I would request a meeting with class teacher first. she/he may be unaware of the situation.
• You can be philosophical and invite the White kid round to sample Indian hospitality or ask the parent to have a word with their own child. I appear to have missed that as an option. Usually when a kid misbehaves the parent is told and hopefully the issue is resolved at home, usually with Xbox confiscated
• Assuming it's the same in England as in Scotland, any racial incident, including name-calling, in schools is treated very seriously. It should be dealt with in a way which doesn't lead to escalation, but I can understand the Indian parent's concerns. The trouble with that, though, is that it is not acting which allows bullying to persist and it's easier to deal with the problem before it becomes a more serious (in terms of the impact on your son) one. It's difficult when your son doesn't want you to say anything, but I think you need to let the school know (though you can do that quietly).
• I don't think approaching the parents is a good idea unless you know them well. Some parents will support their children's behaviour whatever they do, or deny that their little darling could ever say/do such a thing. All you will have done is aggravated the situation.
  An alternative may be to approach the school and ask them what they have in the way of 'diversity' education and request that the class involved have a 'top up session' (no names no pack drill) It is the school's responsibility to create an environment where bullying and taunts of this nature are unacceptable.
• Definitely agree with a quiet word with the school.
  HBS x
• Good advice that I was give from a teacher friend is that "if it happens in school it stays in school" which means approach school in this case and let them deal with it. Maybe ask for a softly softly approach at first of that is what suits you as in general reminders all round that bullying/racism is not tolerated but by all means mention it as if it escalates you have a point from which to take it further.
• If the school is in england or wales any racisr incidents known to the school must be reported to county hall by the head of school immediately.
  It entirely depends on what your child is comfortable with as well, my son was once called a ch*nky yellow w*nker, he just replied with I'm not Chinese, he had no further problems and so he chose not to report it to a teacher.
• Quiet word with school. I remember an incident when mine were at primary school. Racist bullying of my daughter's friend. The school were horrified and intervened but friend's mother simply said 'she'll have to learn to deal with it'. Maybe that sort of acceptance of the reality of racism influences the Indian parent here? I think learning to accept amounts to a form of condoning. The child has to learn to fight his own battles, but he also needs to know that it's not just him against the racists and that others are on his side.
• Controversial here but this sounds more like the other kid is simply a bully. The fact his victim happens to be Indian is just the trait they are picking up on.
  It wouldn't be any different if it was "That Fat XXXX" or "That Speccy XXXX" or even "That Ginger XXXX"
  However, bullying is serious. If it is affecting your son then the school needs to deal with it and should have procedures in place to deal with bullying.
  If your son isn't that bothered, has a good group of friends and thinks this is fuss over nothing then, if you trust his judgement, I would be tempted to go with it initially. Keep an eye though and maybe get a copy of the school's bullying policy to talk over with him in case it progresses. The quiet word mentioned above might be a good one too so the school keep an eye out but don't act at this stage.
• I had a handful of racist comments throughout my school life and I wish that the school had done more about it.
  Then again, these are the same people who made a website dedicated to how they hate me and how I should be dead. The school did nothing about that either.
• Another supporter for a quiet word with the school, probably the head of year or house.
  I would not go down the road of formal report, as Gwylim suggested. Unfortunately, name calling is part of childhood, but the perpetrator doesn't derserve to be labelled 'racist' at this stage.
  I taught in a school with a similar makeup for 20 years. Let the head of house tackle it, certainly in the first instance.
• Schools do nothing about all forms of bullying they turn a blind eye, even though most schools have a bullying policy, it all seems geared to helpihg the bully and ostracising the victim even more. Afraid i think id take matters into my own hands i would tell the school clearly what i wanted to happen, no quiet words with the school, if nothing is done goto the local authority. From personal experience name calling does lead to physical forms of bullying.
• I work in a Secondary school for the Pastoral Dept and they do take all bullying seriously, racist bullying is logged separately and has to be reported . where i work children who bully and make racist comments are put in Isolation for a day, which is an afternoon session finishing at 5:30 which inconveniences the child and the child's parent, those children who are "trying it on" do not do it again...
  Mention it to the School especially if it is continuing, if it was a one of comment and they are OK now, use your judgement just don't leave it to escalate..
• I had loads of it at school, back in the 80's even heard teachers say it, My kids are mixed race and it isn't as bad for them as it was for me thankfully.
  By saying something you can cause so many issues that could make matters worse, by not saying something the perpetrator gets away with it.
  If it was one of my kids I'd deal with it depending on whether my child could handle the flack or backlash, One of my girls certainly couldn't so I would have told her to turn the other cheek, the other girl of mine would have told them where to get off.
  Maybe ask your child what they want to happen and take it from there.
  It's a tough one as the racist abuse can really hurt, My kids don't see themselves as mixed race they just see themselves as normal kids like everyone else and it's hardly ever mentioned what colour we are or aren't.
• Another vote for reporting it to the school.