Problem With Ex

A question about : Problem With Ex

Hi all,

Was hoping to get some advice on a situation I'm currently in:

My wife and I separated early this year (not yet started the divorce), seeing me move out and moving in with my parents as I'm unable to pay the mortgage as well as rent somewhere else. We have kids.

When moving out we agreed that I'd stay in the house one night a week to allow me space alone with my kids and she would move in with her parents. (I have them other nights at my parents house, but wanted 'alone time' with them too.) She has since changed her mind and stopped me from staying over - due to this I ceased paying the mortgage and now pay a reduced amount each month direct to her account (only about Ј100 less, which was an agreed figure.)

The house is mortgaged in our joint names.

Things have now moved on and we have gone from me having to tell her I'm going to the house (if i wanted to pick something up, for instance) to me giving her 24 hours notice, to her now saying that I can't enter the house at all unless she agrees to it and she oversees me while I'm there. (Just to add - I'm not obsessively going there - I've accessed the house twice to pick up items and one of those times was 'with her permission'.)

This has created a fair amount of tension, at which point I threatened to reduce my childcare payments to what the CSA would require of me (about 50% of what I pay now.) I don't really want to do this (and haven't yet) as I don't want the kids to suffer in any way, but I don't feel like I have anywhere else to go.

She is now telling me that if i don't:

a) Pay the normal amount each month and;
b) Stop seeking access to the house

she will arrange a restraining order on me, stopping me from accessing the property and also tell the kids (both between 4 and 7) that they can't do as many fun things as their Dad doesn't support them enough.

Can she do this? (not the bit about telling the kids, obviously!) As I said, the mortgage is in joint names, the divorce hasn't gone through and there's no history of violence or anything like that - we simply grew apart and split over a number of years.

I feel like I'm doing more than I legally have to with my payments, but she insists on threatening me with what are her 'rights' and i simply don't know what to do.

Thanks in advance.

Best answers:

• move back in? and leave some blueprints on an idea for a new patio, with 6ft foundations...
• She will only be able to get a restraining order if she can show that you are a danger to her or the children. If there is no record of this and no other evidence then she won't get one, simple as that.
  To put it bluntly, it's your house, you can go round there whenever you want. You don't have to give her prior notice. She cannot, legally, lock you out. You don't have to pay her a penny to get access to your house. Again, if you are not a danger to her or the children then she has no rights, at all, to stop you from entering your own property. The fact that you have left is irrelevant. The fact that she does not want you there is irrelevant.
  The first rule of any divorce is don't use the children as weapons against your ex. It is also the first rule that gets broken.
• Keep up the mortgage payments if you can so she can't use that against you. Then it is still your house. If you have moved out fair notice is what they ask and not going there all the time. but she can't stop your access and Police will not. You could say your moving back in, but now your out that'll be hard.
• see a solicitor and start legal seperation get some lines drawn
• Start reading up on it - www.wikivorce.com/divorce/
  and worth contacting one of the fathers' support groups like
  www.fnf.org.uk/
• I can kind of see why things went downhill
  Stage 1 Trying to be amicable with the "You can stay one night with the kids and I'll kip round my parents that night"
  Stage 2" If the kids are asleep why does he need to oust me out of my house for one night..surely he can go when they go to bed"
  Stage 3 "If she won't let me sleep in the house I'll stop paying the mortgage-I'll show her"
  Stage 4 Hostility on both sides
  Stage one probably wasn't the greatest idea to start with -separating couples need boundaries-you taking over her territory one night a week was never likely to work. Why can't you have the kids staying with you at your parents if you need to have them overnight .....or just see them in the day when they are awake and know you're there.
  Stage two was inevitable
  Stage 3 ...Why would you risk your credit history by not paying the mortgage ?
  Frankly once you've moved out the polite thing is to "ask" when is a good time for you to collect stuff rather than just let yourself in it may still be your house jointly but it's not your home . I can see why she was miffed.
  You have another fourteen years of having to deal with each other as parents to your children.....you both need to pull your necks in and sort things out as adults. Although legally she can't stop you accessing the house it'd keep the peace if you gave reasonable notice and "asked" ....also trying to hold her to ransom by depriving your children's home of income ...Really?
  If you can't discuss things civilly get some form of mediation so you have a referee and get things sorted before you go to solicitors as they will play one against another and cost you both a fortune. Also a smart man wants a PWC who isn't fighting him every inch of the way for the next fourteen years and what you do now will have consequences for years to come.
  At least TRY to agree-it'll pay dividends in terms of less stress and angst.
• Sorry but I don't think mortgage contributions or maintenance payments should have anything to do with other issues such as access to the house.
  If I were you I'd show myself as reliably making the payment as agreed, and go to mediation to discuss the other things - not use the payments as blackmail (sure way of creating resentment, so it will only make things worse long term).
• Since your not paying half of the mortgage then she would be right to look for quiet enjoyment of the house.. You've made your move there..
  You have put yourself at a major disadvantage in moving out since you are joint & severally liable for the mortgage & for at least 20% of your take home pay as maintenance if 'the truth be told'..
• When in doubt, keep telling yourself "moral high ground" and behave like an adult instead of getting into tit for tat.
  A relatives ex threatened to deny him access to house and kids - didn't get her anywhere as she had no grounds whatsoever. Just don't let her provoke any arguments that could be used against you.
  Make it clear to her that you know your rights and are not obliged to give notice, but may be prepared to do so as a favour to her for now. Ditto fetching stuff from the house.
  And look at sorting things out sensibly through mediation. My relatives solicitor once said if they both feel equally happy/unhappy, the balance is probably about right.
  And keep an ongoing written records of conversations, and confirm arrangements by email so you have a ongoing provable record of incidents and arrangements if you need it. Stay polite and don't lose your temper whatever the provocation.
• Joint Mortgage means joint & severally responsible for the Mortgage payments.
  Having Children means responsibility for making payments.
  These are separate responsibilities - for which he is tied to both. The mistake that the OP made was to leave the property especially with children involved.
  I've recently completed a transfer of equity to get my ex off the mortgage - making full payments myself since we split nearly a year ago; In that time the ex 'respected' that it was may space when she brought my Son round for weekend as I was covering the full cost and so was flexible in how I concluded the transfer (time taken etc.)..
  In this time I made regular agreed payments to her for Child Support. That Early advice I received helped avoid such a scenario of paying mortgage \ maintenance and finding my own place (already been there before)..
  So I've been there got the badge, and still the shirt on my back from 2nd time round fortunately..
  Quote:
• As a child who grew up in a very similar situation, I'd say this:
  1) get a divorce ASAP and get your child custody rights and finances sorted out legally. You and your ex at this point will never agree what is the right thing to do and by behaving in this way you're putting your kids in a hell of a position without realising it. Yes, I realise it might not be *you* being intentionally awkward but it doesn't matter. Your kids don't want to think of either of you being in the wrong but they live with their mother so will side with her but tell you what they think you want to hear to make their lives easier. Believe me, I've been there!
  2) yes, your name is still on the mortgage so you both are legally obliged to pay it *and* have a right to live there/visit whenever you want. If your ex doesn't like it then let her try to take it to court, she won't get far. (Although I might suggest not visiting her house alone if she's hostile, always have a witness so if she calls the police or accuses you of anything you have someone to back you up. Oh, and your kids don't count, obviously.)
  3) Be prepared to fight for your rights in the divorce. Family courts will always side with the mother unless (and even sometimes if!) she's physically or mentally incapable of looking after the kids.
  Good luck and I hope you manage to get it sorted ASAP.
• this is crazy, has she changed the locks or something?? i wouldnt have moved a muscle, my kids are my everything as i am sure they are yours, but this woman sounds psycho....you are doing more than your fair share, sadly the best thing i would suggest is get the divorce done asap, think the only reason that it isnt progressing is cuz your ex is just miling the situation, i cant imagine she can afford it on her own?...all the best my man, such a shame with the kids involved, but it will be better in the long run.....