Need help/advice please

A question about : Need help/advice please

Hey guys,

I posted in September last year after my boyfriend of 10 years left me as he no longer loved me. We tried to be friends after having only a month apart, but it didn't work. I broke down in front of him and ended up becoming ill, having to take two months off work as I was depressed and felt suicidal at times. Fast forward to the new year and I went back to work with a positive attitude determined I would be ok. I also decided the time felt right to go see my ex as we'd had almost 3 months without seeing each other and I wanted to see how I was around him. Strangely enough I was fine I didn't get upset and I felt ok about things, like we could get on as friends only. More than 10 years ago, we started out as friends, became best friends and then fell in love with each other. We both want to try and have some sort of friendship once I am over the break up, as this man is my best friend too, but he rightly says it can only happen when I'm ready. Everything between us has been very amicable and we've not argued or fallen out, I think our relationship has simply ran its course, as much as I hate to say that. Over the last week or so I've become emotional again, seeing valentines day stuff shoved in my face wherever I went just seemed to bring everything back and I've spent the last week or so really upset and crying lots. I had dinner with my ex last night and we ended up talking about our relationship and I admitted to him and myself that I am still very much in love with him, which resulted in me sat crying on his sofa for several hours. We agreed that we need to put things on hold, for my sake until I can completely get over this. It hurts so bad, I hate the way I feel and I just want a way out now. I don't have many friends and I also struggle talking to people about my problems and emotions. As a result I'm feeling very lonely. My ex is not a horrible person and even went as far as telling me if I decide I can never see him again, then that's something he would have to live with but he would respect my wishes. He says it is his actions that have caused all this pain, but I totally respect he was honest with me about how he felt, after all what is the point of staying with someone if you no longer love them. None of us can help how we feel inside, or at least that's how I see it.

Has anyone been in my situation and if so I'd be grateful to learn how you dealt with things.

Thanks in advance!

Ross

Best answers:

• For now, forget about being friends.
  You have to give yourself proper time to grieve for the end of your relationship, maybe in a year or so when you are stronger you can think about being friends again.
  Delete his number, un-friend him on Facebook (tricky if you have a lot of mutual friends) but it needs to be done.
  Get a new haircut, buy yourself some new shoes, go out with some friends, start a new hobby, keep yourself busy! All easier said than done and I know it's a cliche but time does heal.
  Until then, just fake it till you make it!
• I often lurk on here, but your post resonated a lot with me..
  Whilst at uni many years ago, I met a man who became my best friend. I supported him and him me through unsuccessful relationships and eventually he told me how he felt about me and we ended up in a relationship.
  It did not work out, for a number of reasons, we often would get back together, things would resurface and we'd start again...only for the same issues to arise and things beak down again...
  It was really hard but i had to take myself away from him and now haven't seen him or had contact with him for 8/9 years. It was horrible initially, even though I ended our relationship, as I felt I had lost my best friend as well, and found out through mutual friends he was bereft at me going...
  Reason I shared this is I can empathise with the depth of pain and how hard things are when certain events happen, such as first valentines and it triggers all the feelings you'd thought you'd dealt with.
  Time is the greatest healer and although staying away from him probably isn't easy, a clean break allows you time to grieve fully. Grieving for what you had and now has changed is perfectly natural, don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. Achnowledge the feelings, don't bury them and you feel begin to feel better....be kind to yourself, take comfort in the fact you can be okay around him, but it will take time.
  take care x
• (((hugs))). Hope you're feeling better today.
  This might not be about him at all. Your post struck a chord with me as it reminded me of a similar-ish situation. After several years of trying, and various treatments, I acknowledged that I wouldn't have children. Have genuinely come to terms with that and feel positive about life. However, there is the odd time (usually mothers day) when it can all come flooding back. It's not that my overall feelings change on that day, it's just a reminder of what could have been and can be upsetting.
  It could be that the whole valentines malarky (total rubbish imho anyway lol) caught you off guard. It may be that you miss being close to someone, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're still in love with your ex.
  Some space and time apart sounds like a good move, for both of you. Also - that having a good scream idea? Do it! Can work wonders
• It doesn't quite fit exactly but as a way of helping you remember to give him (& yourself) a bit more distance & time, try this by Fleur Adcock:
  Advice to a Discarded Lover
  Think, now: if you have found a dead bird,
  not only dead, not only fallen,
  but full of maggots: what do you feel -
  more pity or more revulsion?
  Pity is for the moment of death,
  and the moments after. It changes
  when decay comes, with the creeping stench
  and the wriggling, munching scavengers.
  Returning later, though, you will see
  a shape of clean bone, a few feathers,
  an inoffensive symbol of what
  once lived. Nothing to make you shudder.
  It is clear then. But perhaps you find
  the analogy I have chosen
  for our dead affair rather gruesome -
  too unpleasant a comparison.
  It is not accidental. In you
  I see maggots close to the surface.
  You are eaten up by self-pity,
  crawling with unlovable pathos.
  If I were to touch you I should feel
  against my fingers fat, moist worm-skin.
  Do not ask me for charity now:
  go away until your bones are clean.
  Be gentle with yourself.
• I think you need a complete break from your ex, no texting, facebooking, whilst you are still in contact with him you are delaying the healing process, maybe when you are emotionally strong enough then see how you feel about being friends. It's a hard thing being just friends when you have had more, and you admit you still love him, as they say time is a great healer, good luck
• Thanks guys so much for your support and kinds words. I know that I am still in love with him because of how I feel when I'm around him. He means so much to me I'd take a bullet for him. That said, I have accepted he doesn't love me so I just need to effectively fall out of love with him.
• Around the same time I split from my ex-bf of 7 years, he broke his shoulder and I had to help him a lot as his family all live abroad. It definitely delayed the healing, seeing him every day. IMO you need to go cold turkey and accept you can't ever be more than passing acquaintances with an ex until you are fully over the relationship. Good luck to you.
• You need total space from him. Eventually one of you will move on and meet someone new. How will you deal with being friends then?,
• I would suggest going a long time with no contact at all. Sporadically meeting up with him, phone calls, texts or seeing what is going on in his life via facebook etc will only delay your healing process. Give yourself a chance to really get over the relationship that you had and to move on with your life. It takes way more than a few months to feel fully okay after being in love with someone for so long.
• You definitely need to cut all contact OP. All this meeting up and talking is just going to cut deeper and you are clearly not ready to just be friends.
  I would delete off Facebook, block his number and get on with your life without this person in your head. Take time in being you and getting on and enjoying your life, then when and if you are fully over him then maybe you could be friends. But in the meantime, you are not doing yourself no favours in holding onto this friendship, it will just leave you feeling worse and you are gaining nothing from that.
• it was too soon for you to 'test yourself' by seeing him again. far too soon. it can take months or even years before you can get your emotions under control.
  by seeing him so soon you brought all the 'feelings' back and now are back to square one. its tough isn't it? but you did it once and you can do it again.
  make it a bit easier on yourself this time by cutting all contact. and do not be tempted to test yourself again - because the very thought of doing this means you are NOT over him!
• I had someone who I loved, we had a relationship for a couple of years, but to be honest knew from day one that we both had different things we wanted from life. It was my first 'good' relationship though, he was a kind man, something I hadn't know before. We were friends as well as lovers.
  We did split up, we did still love each other. Eventually he found someone else and it cut me to the quick (I hadn't). A few years after that we had a brief fling again (both single).., and it was like meeting a familiar stranger.., one I had known but now had nothing in common with. Which is what it was really.
  We now just have occasional contact on facebook. No emotions involved at all. But its taken years.
  You know friendship is no go with him. You don't want to lose what you had with him. But you can have friendships (maybe of different kinds) with other people. You can have relationships with other people. They will be different, but just as important to you. They may not tug at your heart strings as much as this relationship did, but they can be just as deep.., just not the same. Part of the tugging at the heart strings may be the knowledge that the relationship was never going to work long term. The unobtainable etc. Human nature is a funny thing.
  I'd agree that its best to have no contact with him. Its very hard, but any contact will just hurt you a little bit more. Move away and move on, keep at it and you will move on and find something else, even if it takes time.
• Hi, I hope you are having a better day..
  Would I contact him again? No, I don't think so. Looking back, he had so many issues and I would be the would be the one trying to help him, protect him, almost rescue him from his demons. At an immense emotional cost to me. The coping strategies I used to get through the times we were together were not healthy. Time, and being married now to an amazing man has allowed me to see things much clearer.
  There is the old adage about people being in your life for a season, for a reason etc....the time I had with him has shaped me in many ways, which I'm thankful for and without him, in a strange way, I wouldn't now be with my husband. But i would never want to go back...
  I wish you the best of luck, take things a day at a time and be kind to yourself x
• They say if you love someone let them go, if they come back to you, you will always have their heart, if they don't then it was never meant to be.
  No contact is the best option here definitely. If he doesn't love you then at least you will keep your dignity and make a clean break. Also no contact will give him a chance to miss you if there is the remotest possibility that he does have feelings for you.
  Either way, its best all round if you have nothing to do with him as others have said.
• Thanks so much everyone for your replies, support and kind words. It really does mean a lot, so thank you. I'm feeling ok (ish) today. Im just finding it so damn hard to let go. I love the bones of this man, I wish I didn't but I do. I know I have to not see him and I'm not going to, as much as it hurts to admit that. I feel like I've lost not just my soul mate but my best friend too. All I can do right now is try to focus on other things I guess. Gosh this is hard :-(
• it is hard Rosco - but, for your own sake it has to be done. the old advice is the best - keep busy, make new friends and one day it wont hurt so much and in time you will find it doesn't hurt at all.
  But if you dwell on things, find reasons to keep tabs on him or think about 'testing' yourself...........well, its like picking a scab on your knee, it wont heal and will eventually fester. not healthy.