Money Moral Dilemma: Should I offer to pay for my bridesmaid dress?

A question about : Money Moral Dilemma: Should I offer to pay for my bridesmaid dress?

My best friend has asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. I'm thrilled but worried about how much it's going to cost. Should I be expected to foot the bill for the dress? And if so does that mean I get to choose it or is this still the bride's decision?

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Best answers:

• I think American bridesmaids often pay for their own dresses, but over here the tradition is still firmly that the bride/brides parents/whoever is funding the wedding pays. The bride gets to choose and it's poor etiquette to say you don't like it/won't wear it.
  That said, with people on tight budgets these days, some British brides are asking their bridesmaids to pay for, or contribute to, the cost of their outfit, but this is not the norm and, if done, it should be made very clear (including amount) upfront with plenty of notice (ie. at the outset, when she first invites you to be her bridesmaid) You should also be given an opportunity to say you can't afford it and withdraw graciously so that the bride can choose someone else with no ill feeling on either side.
  If you are unsure, you should ask, in a nice way - as soon as possible.
  Edited to add:
  Oops! I meant also to say that if you do pay for or contribute to your dress, you should have at least some say in it, depending on how much you are contributing - though it's still good manners to keep to the overall wedding scheme obviously.....
• I have fairly firm views on this but obviously everyone is different. If the bride and/or groom want to dictate what their attendants wear then they should pay. If they're happy for the bridesmaid(s) to pick her own dress and the best man/ushers to wear suits they already have then it's up to them if they want to pay.
  I'm having 3 bridesmaids and OH is having a best man and 3 ushers. I very much want to dictate on the bridesmaids, subject to what suits them and them being comfortable in the style or styles I choose. For the suits we would like the boys to match. So we're paying for everything.
  However my OH's cousin married an American girl and they had their wedding in LA. She tells me it's absolutely the norm in America for attendants to buy or hire their own dresses or suits, and very unusual for the couple to pay. She said the couple do buy their attendants a generous gift though - my view on that is I'd rather they paid for my dress.
• I haven't heard of a bride/groom (or their families) paying for a bridesmaid dress in a long time.
  I've been a bridesmaid 9 times, and bought all my own dresses, shoes, handbags, paid for hair and make up, and even paid for a town car at one.
  Why not ask the bride if you need to contribute, and if you get a say in your attire? That would be the logical thing to do, but then again, MSE recently has defied all logic; the bride is the ONLY ONE with the answers, so this thread is a teensy bit pointless.
• I think the bride should foot the bill for everything apart from the bridesmaid shoes.
• DomRavioli - Whereas I'd never heard of a bridesmaid being asked to pay for any of their outfit - including shoes and jewellery - ever, in the 40 odd years before I joined this forum
  The last time I was a bridesmaid, (about 5 years ago) the bridesmaids jewellery did double duty as the small gift traditionally given to them by the bride but that's the nearest it ever got
  Maybe the tradition is different in different parts of Britain?
  Or maybe it's just that British brides are getting the idea from reading American Wedding Forums in recent years?
  Definitely the original British tradition is that the bride pays though, as far as I am aware......
• My sister will be my only bridesmaid. She won't be paying for the dress or any hair/ makeup but I will definitely let her choose as she has far better taste than I do, and a better eye for what will go well with my dress etc.
• I think you should pay for your bridesmaids dresses, but if you can't afford to then you should be up front when you ask the person to be involved in your wedding. I also think if you are going to ask someone to pay for their own dress you should allow them to pick it, and probably think about letting them wear something they could wear again.
• My DD is getting married she is planning to pay for the dresses for the 3 bridesmaids although they have all had a say in the style and colour, her fianc! is paying for the gents outfits, 2 ushers, 2 dads a best man and his own. The girls are wearing long so they can wear whatever shoes they feel comfortable in.
• I let my two bridesmaids pick their own outfits, as they are very different body shapes, heights, colouring etc and I wanted them to wear something they were comfortable in. However, we're paying for their dresses, flowers, hair and a necklace which will double as a gift (they're both wearing shoes they already have and doing their own make-up). I agree with those who said they shouldn't have to pay up; they're paying enough to come to the wedding and for the hen night without the expense of a new outfit on top! I know they could choose to do that if they were just normal guests but equally if I'm making them wear something they might not have I should foot the bill.
  In answer to the question: ask the bride! But do it sooner rather than later in case she does say "Yes you're paying for everything" so you have time to save if needed...
• I has same thing but for an usher. They then asked me to pay. Refused and told them I just bought a brand new suit and could I wear that? ( I didn't really buy one but would of if he said that's ok as I would use it lots afterward)
  They didn't want me to be an usher in the end.
  If the bride and groom want to dictate how they want people to look then they should make sure they can afford it.
  If I wanted someone to be at my wedding, then they can wear whatever is their choice as I want the person to be with me, not their clothes.
  However if they were dressed in bright yellow or something they might not make all my final wedding pics.
  CR
• If you want the attendants to wear something you have chosen at your wedding (bride or groom), then you should pay for it.
• The best compromise I ever saw was the bride who gave her 5 sisters a bolt of the same material (which she had chosen) and asked them to get their material made into a dress they'd like to wear. Different body shapes and preferences were therefore catered for and the bride still got a cohesive look in her wedding party pictures.
  I also happen to know that she said, when she handed over the bolt, that if there were any worries about getting their dress made or paying for it, that she was happy to organise that with them. Thus she did pay for some and not for others.
• Having just paid for a wedding, I understand both sides of the argument, as it became a sticking point between my new wife and I. Should we ask people to pay or not?
  Everything depends upon the budget of the bride and groom I guess, and in the end, we asked bridesmaids to pay for the dress, while we paid for their shoes, headpieces, makeup and other small gifts.
  The one thing I would say to take into account is that, as soon as people mention wedding, suppliers up the price of everything, and yes, you may be asked to foot a bill for the dress, but the couple may be paying for the service, for a car to get you there, for the wedding breakfast, the entertainment to keep you enjoying the day... this came to over Ј100 per person to be at the day for us... so there is a tradeoff.
  Usually guests at a wedding give a gift, a tradeoff could be that if you are buying the dress, give a token gift...
  Either way, the only correct answer on here is to ask the bride. Best of luck.
• Convention says the dress is paid for by the father of the bride/bride/groom. So no, you shouldn't be expected to pay for your dress.
  Occasionally, people get married on a shoestring and then ask others up front to make some form of contribution, in which case you make a decision up front whether you want to incur that commitment/obligation.
  She's your best friend, so presumably you can have an open and honest conversation with her?
• Having just got married - I paid for all the Bridesmaids dresses (although they were given a choice of which dress they wanted), and the Ushers/Father of the bride/nephews kilt hire (they had no choice!) the only thing I asked the older bridesmaids to do was to buy/use their own shoes as I'd rather they be comfy in them etc, the little ones had theirs bought and paid for be me.
• When I got married a few years ago, the consensus seemed to be that if you expected your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, it should be something they were happy to wear again. Having said that, we did pay for my bridesmaids' dresses, but because they weren't traditional ones they were a lot cheaper.
  Macca9, there are plenty of ways to make your wedding more affordable; it's not fair to pass your costs on to your friends.