How do you create your life together?

A question about : How do you create your life together?

I suppose I'm wondering through some midlife angst-looking back, looking forward, back, forward etc etc. Here I am with my OH in our mid 40s, no children (not by choice, but blighted biology). His career is just taking off, freelance, mine stalled and I have retrained so on brink of new possibilities. We've both been in our own worlds trying to make a go of work/training...over time his anxieties have engulfed him and now there is little we do together beyond the four walls we live in. He's working on it, as I have on going out doing things by myself and for myself again, like I did when I was single.

I wonder about the life we are creating together. Couples with kids have created life and continue to weave a world around their children and for their children. I don't quite see how we create a life for us. I see how my OH is working hard in his field. I see how I could do so in mine, but I suppose I am losing sight of what we create together. Any thoughts? How do you create your life apart from each other and as a part of each other's life?

Best answers:

• Me and my partner don't have children yet and we spend so much time together, we have a dog so often go out on long walks with him, do you have any similar interests? It sounds like your just co-ha biting but no relationship? You need to make time outside of work to do things together wether it's just cooking or going for a walk, do you holiday?
  Amy x
• Thank you for sharing.
  I agree re. children. I've often thought we are in the position of people whose children do fly the nest and look at each other and wonder....we haven't holidayed together for nearly 2 years as his anxiety makes it difficult for him. I actually went away on my own last spring and it was ok. I know that we have tended to be overinvolved in each other and I am seeing the benefits of doing my own thing once more. He's always wanted a dog, but we rent and that's not a possibility at the moment. We watch stuff together, but it's a very passive way of being together.
  I suppose I am changing a little and so is he and we are coming up to a big move and things feel a little up in the air...I can't imagine my life without him (I have tried.) I am an overthinker.
• Mrs G and I don't have children and don't have this problem.
  Why do you need to create a life apart from each other?
• What I mean by a life apart is the life you live that's separate from a partner - work, friends, hobbies. As I say, we cannot do going away at the moment, though we will be moving away. The move is a house move but 'no pets allowed' for the time being. We have spoken about this before. I am mulling alone for the time being. There will be a lot to contend with during this move, so no space for this talk. Also, he's somewhat fragile at the moment. I do have a tendency to think myself into a tangle!
• It sounds like the main issue is his anxieties that seem to prevent you doing things together? Why is it that they are affecting joint activities but not doing his job?
  I do think that finding the right balance between making sure that you are still a unit whilst keeping some individuality so not to suffocate each other is not easy.
• He works at home, alone, which has probably contributed to his increasing, often debilitating, anxiety. He is aware of this though and taking steps.
  Quote:
• As I type this I am in one room in the house watching TV, in front of my computer and Mrs Lincroft is in another room in front of her computer and watching a different programme on her TV.
• How did trying for a baby and then accepting to move on affected you? Trying for a baby can be even more of a united effort than raising children together and losing this can come as a big gap.
  I don't think there are many ways about it, you need to find common things to explore together, building dreams about your joint future and striving towards them. Is it a case that your husband won't leave the house at all or would he be ok going away just for a week-end?
  OH and I budget for regular weekends away just him and I. Two of these are our Christmas presents. It doesn't have to be far away or fancy, just getting in the car on the Friday after a week with separate priorities, and then gradually over the week-end finding ourselves as a couple so that by the time we come home on the Sunday, it feels like we are back from another honeymoon!
• Hey OP we too are childless. We create a life together by talking often. We talk about what people have posted on Facebook, what we heard/saw in the news.. We want to share views with each other.
  We enjoy each other's company so we like to be together at home. We will watch Netflix and chat briefly about the episode. We choose something we can both enjoy watching together.
  We make the effort to be considerate: "would you like the heating on? Want a cup of tea? "... Just thinking what they might want and making the effort even if we don't want it ourselves. If he wants a drink and is busy I will get it for him without complaining. We make the effort to treat each other with consideration, to help without complaining and be thankful for each other. We also don't shout at each other - we are considerate of feelings and avoid behaving badly to each other so we have less unpleasant behaviour to get over iyswim?
  We believe in our life together and believe in our relationship. That makes us confident to have separate friends and hobbies but we talk about if if is ok to go out or away or if we need time together hanging out.
  We will do simple things like suggest a trip to a museum that the Other one would love but mostly our live together is about being considerate and eating together, helping each other Eg helping hold a tool or him being willing to discuss colour choices in my knitting and me to discuss his games, rather then not bothering as we are not into it ourselves. We learn to appreciate each other's musical tastes too.
  I'm rambling. Basically we decided to be genuinely nice to reach other to be the help and support the other one needed,to be our best selves and consider our relationship precious and behave accordingly. All else flows from that "Hey katsu would love that movie. I will tell her about it and will sit through it if none of her friends want to go to the cinema" sort of stuff.
  We regard our relationship as part of ourselves,important and constant so structure our lives to keep it that way.
• Katsu - That is beautiful. A lot resonates - actually sounds like me and OH. Perhaps what is going on for me continues to be coming to terms with childlessness, thank you FBbay.
  Think I will have to save your reply somewhere Katsu and come back to it again and again...
• Do you have a 'future plan'? Is all this working towards something.
  OH and I do nice day to day stuff - but we have bought a house in France we are renovating, he goes over four times a year and I do three usually. I am saving towards Las Vegas next year or the year after, and we have a 10 year plan to get a motorhome and travel very extensively.
  We like travel
  So even on the weeks where we are busy with work and don't connect we are working towards something for us.
  We have kids too - five between us - so we have the other problem, last night, valentines, we planned our romantic dinner, and ended up with two kids and ones girlfriend here for dinner....
  Having kids doesn't bring you together - it means you have to have longer arms to reach around them all and be able to connect with each other.
  Do you have a plan? Things you want to do together? We struggle to pare down the list - we'd love to train around India, I want a cob house in the garden, we need to get the drive sorted........
• I have just retired last year and we moved to what is our final house, I worked at sea and used to have 3 to 4 months away from OH, we had no kids so OH sailed with me for 27 years up to about 12 ago
  I am getting used to not working and doing things to the house off but OH is depressed and not happy with our life, yesterday she asked did I want a divorce! I am writing this not knowing what will happen, we have been together 46 years
• Can I just say that as someone with children, they are not the answer to everything and certainly don't make a relationship. In fact with kids its just as easy to get caught up in other parts of life-school runs, work, housework, cooking, chasing around after the kids that you can drift apart and almost live separate but parallel lives.
  We have always tried to make time for each other. With 4 its hard to get babysiters and such so as we are both self employed we tend to go out in the day when the kids are at school/college. It also means most places tend to be a bit quieter and we can just spend time together.
  Even just meeting up at lunch for a sandwich and a walk in a nice place. We hold hands and sometimes just enjoy the silence and togetherness.
  Its all about connecting with each other whatever your situation its easy to let each other slip away if you are not careful and kids don't stop that, and as other posters have said couples can end up alone once the kids leave home and having let each other drift apart have nothing left to link them once the children have moved on.
  Good Luck OP
  Ali x
• How's your s*x life? It's the glue that holds a relationship together - without intimacy what you end up with is a friend or flatmate. You haven't mentioned it. A celibate relationship is pointless to me.
  Do you have dedicated date nights? We do - we like to set aside evenings to go to the cinema and have a meal.
  Is he seeking professional help for his mental health issues? It's fine if he kind of wants to be socially isolated but not great if you get sucked into it. You say he is 'taking steps' but is this actual treatment or some kind of DIY thing?
  You are full of praise that his career is taking off and he is working hard - what is the downside to this?
  Holidays together with my partner are our best times together, we get time to relax without any other commitments intruding. We see them as opportunities to reaffirm our relationship. I have more free time so have separate breaks away. The prospect of not having joint holidays would be unbearable to me.
  Agree with Seanymph about a future plan. Partner and I have ideas for how and where we'd like to spend our retirement (and we are a similar age to you), places to travel, where we may live overseas for part of the year, personal projects, things we may want to study and learn. What are yours?
• Can you find things to do together that make you laugh?
  We don't have children (our choice) and, for us, one of the big advantages is that we can have impromptu fun being very silly (or even, occasionally, quite romantic...) without the worry of causing huge embarrassment to squirming teenagers!