Funny Joke Thread

A question about : Funny Joke Thread

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward ! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. Don't you get it? the caretaker says incredulously.
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He's decomposing!

rob

Best answers:

• Thanks for that, made my morning a little brighter.
• no, that was bad! That was awful rob!
• I've closed the original Funny Joke Thread HERE
  as it had got very long
  please post your jokes in this one
  and keep em clean
• An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
  The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."
  "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
  
• A Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a
  pool with his hand.
  The Scottish man shouts
  " Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn "(Translatedon't drink the water, it's full of cow s**t.)
  The man shouts back
  "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".
  The Scottish man shouts back
  "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
• Hereґs some insurance quotes that always make me laugh a lot, no matter how many times I read them:
  "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
  "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
  "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
  "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
  "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
  "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
  "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
  "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
  "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
  "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
  "I saw the man crossing the road and had to swerve several times before I hit him"
• Paddy and Murphy stagger out of a nightclub at 3 in the morning. There isn't a taxi in sight. Paddy says to Murphy, 'let's break into the bus depot, and steal a bus'. 'Great idea' says Murphy. You go in and get one, and i'll keep watch'.
  Half an hour later, and there's no sign of Paddy and the bus, so Murphy decides to go and look for him. He finds him wandering around inside.
  'What's taking ya so long Paddy' says Murphy. Paddy says 'I'm looking for the No7 bus'.
  Murphy says 'Don't be so stupid Paddy, there's a No9 bus there, let's take that.......... we can walk from the roundabout!!!!'
• Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
  "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
  "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
  "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
  The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
  "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
  "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
  "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
  The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
  "I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
  "I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
  "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
  You're gonna LOVE me for this!
  The third piggy says:
  "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
• 1 Pass My Shotgun
  2 Psychotic Mood Shift
  3 Perpetual Munching Spree
  4 Puffy Mid Section
  5 People Make me Sick
  6 Provide Me with Sweets
  7 Pardon My Sobbing
  8 Pimples May Surface
  9 Pass My Sweat pants
  10 !!!!y Mood Syndrome
  11 Plainly; Men Suck
  12 Pack My Stuff
  13 Potential Murder Suspect
• Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo.
  Suddenly a cow walked into the road and unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.
  Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.
  'Is it alright?' asked Victoria .
  The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am, it's dead.'
  'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!'
  So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he
  came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.
  'Oh my god, what happened to you?' Victoria exclaimed.
  'Well ma'am,' explained the driver, 'the farmer gave me this bottle of
  wine, the farmer's wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me.'
  'Just what the hell did you say to them?'
  'I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow.'
• A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in
  >and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't
  >remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're
  >going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is
  >a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your
  >W*lly was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The
  >bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your
  >insurance and you've actually got Ј9,000 compensation coming to you and the
  >good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that
  >will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is,
  >it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.' The bloke perks
  >up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor
  >says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something
  >you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch W"*lly
  >before and you decide to go for a nine W*lly now, she might be a bit put
  >out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a
  >five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that
  >you consult with her to help you make the decision.' So the bloke agrees to
  >talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says,
  >'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have.' says the chap. 'And has she
  >helped you to make the decision?' 'Yes, she has' he says. 'And what is the
  >decision?' asks the doctor.
  >
  >
  >
  >
  >
  >
  >
  >
  >
  >
  > 'We're having a new kitchen.
  >
  >
  >
  >
• :confused: :confused: Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
  >every two hours?
  >
  >
  >If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  >
  >
  >Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
  >flat?
  >
  >
  >Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is
  >not enough?
  >
  >
  >Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
  >check when you say the paint is wet?
  >
  >
  >Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  >
  >
  >Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  >
  >
  >Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
  >revolver at him?
  >
  >
  >What is the speed of darkness?
  >
  >
  >Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the
  >Special Olympics?
  >
  >
  >If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold
  >tomorrow, how cold will it be?
  >
  >
  >If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
  >here?
  >
  >
  >Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
  >
  >
  >Do you cry under water?
  >
  >
  >How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
  >good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  >
  >
  >Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
  >to look at things on the ground?
  >
  >
  >Did you ever stop and wonder......
  >
  >
  >Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
  >
  >these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
  >
  >
  >Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat
  >the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
  >
  >
  >Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to
  >a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  >
  >
  >Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  >
  >
  >Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
  >
  >point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
  >
  >
  >Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
  >undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
  >
  >
  >Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
  >dogs !
  >
  >
  >Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??
  >
  >
  >If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me !!!!)
  >
  >
  >If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
  >then what is baby oil made from ?
  >
  >
  >If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?
  >
  >
  >Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
  >tune?
  >
  >
  >Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
  >
  >Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  >
  >
  >Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
  >
  >you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
  >window?
  >
  >
  >Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
  >
  >
  >
  >_________________________________________________ ________________
  >:confused: :confused: :confused:
• A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."
  The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
  "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
  "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
  The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
  The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
  The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
  "Ј150!", she cried, "Ј150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
  The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been Ј20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now Ј150.00."
• A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
  A smart !!! student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
  When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
• This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
  group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe
  in the goodness of people and that there is hope for
  the human race.
  A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One day
  Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a
  house on the empty plot.
  The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
  activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung
  around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less
  adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
  They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
  breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
  important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
  At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
  containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to
  her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the
  bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the
  cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work'
  on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
  "You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier.
  The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men
  building a big house."
  "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house
  again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said...
  "I think so. Provided those F.u.****s at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks."
  Now pass this lovely story on to your friends, or a bunch of Pikeys will
  tarmac your drive whether you want it or not.
• hahaha, love it ;o)
• A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
• Like it.
• Good one Mazz. How's you?