Feel a bit caught in the middle

A question about : Feel a bit caught in the middle

I’ve registered with another account as I would prefer to keep this vent anonymous/not associated with my usual username! Sorry if this is long.

My wife and I have a baby son, who is nearly three months old. All is going great, he’s happy and healthy and even sleeping pretty well, so no complaints there. The issues come between my wife and my parents.

Basically, my wife feels that my parents are always making comments or observations that are unneeded or hurtful. Sometime, in the early days, my mum would offer advice (as mum’s do!) and we’d either accept it or explain why we were dismissing it. I think my mum, and dad I guess, can sometimes be a little blunt in the way they deliver things but I genuinely don’t think they would ever be hurtful or malicious, they have their quirks like parents do.

So I totally understand how when someone else’s parents are suggesting you do things with your own child, it can grate. However, my mum once suggested perhaps they could one day take the baby out in the pram to give my wife a rest. We were non-committal (we’ll see how we get on etc) and went home, where my wife told me she was sick of them asking that (it was perhaps the second time they’d offered) and that she didn’t want them to.

She burst into tears and told me I should be backing her up on things like that. I genuinely didn’t know she felt like that until that moment about something I saw as pretty innocent and actually a nice offer. I think she saw it as them implying she couldn’t cope.

The upshot is that while I’m at work, and my wife is home, her parents see the baby daily, whereas my parents see him perhaps once a week. They text me or my wife asking how we are doing, and asking if they can see the baby soon, and my wife feels pressured by that. I don’t want her to feel pressured, but I also feel bad at the disparity between the amounts the grandparents see the baby (although I know it isn’t a competition).

An alternative would be me taking the baby to see my parents at weekend, but then that eats into our time together as a family and isn’t seen as an ideal solution. They haven’t said anything like they feel they aren’t seeing the baby enough, but obviously I know they’d like to see him more.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here, I think it is just more of a vent. I totally understand how annoying my parents can be, and how annoying parents-in-law can be anyway, especially with all the emotion of a newborn. I just worry that I’m doing a bad job here of keeping my wife happy and my parents happy!

Best answers:

• I suffered badly from post natal depression. I thought I was a bad mum and every bit of advice I tried to take on board. the biggest issue i remember was that I bottle fed and was constantly told I should be breast feeding, but advice comes in all shapes and forms and rarely is it objective, but just a recap of how that parent would do it, from feeding to sleeping to nappies to child care to clothing to heating to bathing!
  I eventually realised that any help I could get, from both sets of parents, was a godsend. By the time DD was 4 months old she was spending one night a week at one set or the other grandparents. I trusted all of them implicitly so I didn't have to worry. Before 4 months, I worried constantly even of I had a shower and left DD sleeping!!
  You and our wife's lives have completely changed. Both sets of grandparents are really only trying to help, along with the excitement, but they have to realise how hard it is. They love their grandchild so much that it hurts and they will be so proud.
  As for you, I would just keep loving her and do put her first. You could explain in a nice way to your folks that you will certainly like to ask for help when needed, but for the time being let you and our wife do it your way.
  It will pass. And it sounds like you have some great support. X
• Ahhhh new parent this is so common!!!
  It will pass. Your wife is bound to be like this in the early days.
  It will pass. I promise you.
  When little one is two she will probably be begging them to babysit lol.
  I really wouldn't stress too much about it.
  I went through exactly the same.
  I'm not with the dad now and my daughter is 15 yrs old now but I get on great with her nan. We are still good friends and we look back and laugh at it all now.
• I think you personally need to sit down with your parents and explain that their comments feel like they are constantly interfering and is causing issues. Ask them to not comment any longer. Hopefully, if they do that, you parents will grate slightly less on your wife and she will enjoy seeing them more. With time she may be more open to seeing them more often in the week.
  My in laws are absolutely lovely people but that sweet loveliness actually grates on me and I get very irritated by them and wish, that sometimes, I could tell them to B*gg*r off, stop fussing and give me some space. But then I feel bad as they are usually only trying to be helpful and would hate the thought of upsetting me.
  It is weird as I have no problem if my mum randomly pops by but I get stressed when every weekend my In laws ask to pop in and I stress clean the house and feel like I cant do any of the things I originally planned to do. If it was my parents i'd be fine about it. Not sure why that is, maybe im just so much more at ease with my parents and I know I can tell them to get lost if they annoy me or go too far.
• Thanks all, those comments really make sense! I am sure this will all pass eventually!
  I think it's got to a point a bit where no matter what my parents say, my wife will pick up on something and take offence. I sometimes get cross and think 'how on earth can you take that personally?' but then I feel bad because I would probably do the same in her position!
  I totally understand how much easier things are with your own parents, so I can't blame her for wanting to see her's everyday, and she does take the baby round to see my parents on her own even though they annoy her, which is really good of her.
  Who said this parent lark was easy!
• I caught my dds nan (ex,s mum) encouraging my daughter to call her mummy when she had just started talking
  Seriously! Lol I hit the roof.
  I was working at the time and she used to be her childminder.
  Not after that day she wasn't though!!!
  I made alternative arrangements straight away.
  We talked it through though and became the best of friends in the end
  Its all about sensible communication and supporting each other.
  I think your wife and mum need a good long chat and everyone needs to calmly put their cards on the table and negotiate boundaries.
  Your wife would be a lot happier for it.
  They need to understand each other.
  Knock it on the head and get them together.
• So your wife takes the baby to see her parents every weekday and to see your parents once a week? Your family is very different to mine because both sets of grandparents live several hours drive away, but to be honest I would say that if your parents see the baby regularly every week that doesn't sound anything to complain about and I would certainly resent being told that I should visit more often than that. I do think that if you want them to see the baby more, you should take him round yourself at the weekend, even if it does take up some of your family time.
• Your son is only three months old - your wife is still finding her way of doing things and feeling genuinely confident. She is probably also not yet getting out and about much -and possibly hasn't yet got a group of "other Mum" friends for support (and also to moan to and get a bit of balance ). If she worked before her life has changed drastically and it doesn't matter how much you love your baby or how confident you were before -it can be pretty daunting.
  If your parents are quite forthright people themselves you can probably say to them that she's still finding her feet and best to back off on advice or offers unless she asks first
  If there's definitely no PND in the mix then time and confidence will solve most of this - although you may find she turns more naturally to her Mum rather than yours anyway just because of their bond.
• Don't worry too much mate. We have a 14 month old and similar things happened.
  Firstly I might be wrong but is this both your first child. It changes everything and lack of sleep and total change of lifestyile and in your partner's case hormones can be a pretty potent mix.
  My Mrs saw her Mum everyday and now my Mum in Law who is a legend to be fair looks after our little girl 3 days a week (her parents are both retired both mine work). It can be pretty tricky trying to juggle everything.
  In terms of sitting your parents down and saying it's causing an issue, I would go down the ' I think the advice has changed since I was little, you used to lay me on front wher'as now that's not what they recommend' and alsmost have a chat about how things have changed and ask them how they think it differs, might help make them feel involved it kind of worked for us.
  Explain to your Mrs that whilst you dont want cause a row you would like to get your parents to have a bit more time with the little one. Suggest asking them round for a late breakfast / early lunch. Not too much hassle and they can spend some time with the little one and your partner can go and get a bath, grab an hours sleep etc. You can also caveat the invite with well we are seeing A & B later that afternoon so it only needs to be an hour or two. My Parents live near a massive park so why not say you are going for a walk in the park do they want to come, they will say yes if they have nothing else on and will be proud as punch pushing the buggy along, again hour in the park maybe a quick cup of tea and your done
  I think we left our little girl at around 3 months for the first time, we went to Pizza Express, my Mrs spend almost the entire time checking the clock and we were home in not much over an hour, but it is important to still do things as a couple and get out for a bit, ask them if they would come to you and sit for an hour or two. My Mrs wasn't massively keen in the first instance but once she had done it she was more amiable to doing it again.
  Our little Girls Grandparents love being involved and they are all amazing in their own way but the first few months are hard and trying to juggle everyone's wishes along with your own will never happen it's about finding the best happy medium you can.
  I'm sure it will be grand
  Good Luck
• You don't sound like a tyrant at all!!! I think you've come across very well and you sound like a great dad, husband and son.
  Its very difficult keeping everyone happy.
  Best of luck and enjoy the future. They grow up so fast!
  Wish mine was a baby again
• This thread really reminded me of my situation.
  My wife did have PND at the time too which was very hard on her and everyone else around.
  My situation came to a head in an argument between my wife and my mother, which resulted in them not talking for over a year. I felt very stuck in the middle, obviously wanting to support my wife, but also not wanting to stop seeing my family or stop the children seeing them.
  Almost 3 years on and things still aren't brilliant, although they do talk and see each other but its hardly a happy relationship between them.
  Don't mean to make it all about my story though.
  I'd just say watch carefully for signs of PND, and don't cut anyone out of your life - you will regret it in the future. Definitely talk to your parents and be open and honest with them about the situation.
  I think if these things are just left without being sorted out (the easy option at the time - which I took), they get a lot worse.
  Good luck
• My MIL loves me but loves seeing her son on his own too, I very often say "go and see your mum" without me handing on.
  I am sure if you said you will take the baby round to your mums for a couple of hours at the weekend she would be fine, walk round with the pram, everyone's a winner: you get some exercise, the little one gets fresh air, your folks see their grandchild, your wife gets some peace.