Family problems

A question about : Family problems

I have registered under a new username as I post a lot on the forums and a number of friends and neighbours know my username and I would prefer them not to know about this.

Sorry, this is more of a writing it down to get it off my chest post.
It is also a long post.

I have one brother who has a partner and two children 18 and 16. He runs his own company earns about Ј70,000 a year and has substantial savings.
Our father had a massive stroke last September and according to the doctors “lost mental capacity at the moment that he had the stroke”. He is in a nursing home and doesn’t recognise me.
My mother was in a care home in different town to my father as she was happy there as she went there for respite care when dad had the stroke because she is bedridden because of muscular dystrophy. She is at the moment in hospital suffering for psychotic depression and is detained under the mental health act, so she doesn’t have mental capacity either.

I suffer from agoraphobia and severe depression and can only cope with going out if I take a lot of tranquilizers which I have been doing to get to see my mum with my brother taking me to see her. Until all this happened I hadn’t spoken to or seen my brother for 18 years as there was a big falling out.

My mum and dad visited me regularly until about 10 years ago when they stopped coming over because mum couldn’t walk from the car to my home and refused to use a wheelchair. Dad never came over to see me himself (the drive is about 45 minutes away by car). So I hadn’t seen either of my parents for about 10 years.

I did phone my mum three times a week and spoke to her for about an hour each time and often spoke to dad when I was on the phone as well, so was in regular contact but just couldn’t get there because of the agoraphobia.

My dad had a car worth about Ј6,000 that my brother removed from mum and dad’s house and took to his saying that it was to keep it safe. At the beginning of December he said that he was going to keep it for his youngest son who will be 17 shortly and need a car. Last week he said that dad wanted his son to have it. He has asked me for the log book because I have all of the paperwork for mum and dad. I suggested that the fairest thing to do would be for him to give me half the value of the car or for it to be sold and the proceeds from the sale split between us. When I spoke to mum about this before Christmas she said that she just wanted us to sort it out between us. My brother said today that what he wants is for him to keep the car and when both of our parents have passed away, then I can have Ј3,000 more than him (they haven’t made wills and under the intestate rules we will eventually end up sharing any saving left). This won’t be much. I am feeling that he is just being greedy and wants everything for himself and don’t know what to do. If it wasn’t for the fact that Ј3,000 could make such a big difference to me I wouldn’t worry about it.

Also, our grandfather left my mum a share in a house, and told her that if there was any money left over that it should go equally between me and my brother (this wasn’t in his will though). I found out by accident in October that mum had Ј18,000 left and she gave that to my brother in 2005 and he bought a flash sports car with it. I knew that she had given him the money but mum and dad both said that he was to give me half when they had passed away, he says that isn’t the case and that he isn’t going to give me anything. When I asked mum about it she said that they couldn’t give it to me because I was on benefits (they never mentioned it to me), and she wouldn’t reply when I asked her if my brother was supposed to give me any of the money at a later date.

I feel really hurt that my parents have done this, and favoured my brother. I think it is because he gave them grandchildren and I didn’t. The hurt is so bad at the moment that it is eating me up. This is made worse by my brother wanting my mum to come to a care home near me when she comes out of hospital so that I can visit her and he can just pop over every couple of weeks. The care home that she is placed in at the moment is fairly near my brother, but I can’t get there.

I don’t know what to do about my brother and the car. I don’t want arguments because then he won’t take me to see my mum in hospital and she needs to feel that she has got her children after what has happened to her, but I feel so second best and badly treated.

Best answers:

• Sorry but this really sounds like the vultures circling. The right thing to do would be for your brother to put the value of the car back into the estate.
  Who has POA for your parents?
  Such a sad situation, picking over the bones whilst the parents are still alive.
• Firstly as for the car that your brother wants your nephew to have, I think the only way to prevent any arguments is for your brother to give your parents Ј6K ...I can't see why you or your brother would think anything else was right.
  As for being second best because you haven't had children, I think that may be a load of nonsense (unless you've been told otherwise)
• So you hadn't actually visited your parents for a decade (despite having all the free time in the world) and yet you're attacking your very busy brother for only visiting every few weeks?
  It's perfectly possible your father had made it quite clear that he wanted his car to go to his grandson and so it's right that this has happened.
  What I'm wondering is how you have come to have all their paperwork despite having not seen them for a decade?
  And how do you know how much your brother earns having not spoken to him for 18 years? This is all very fishy.
• At the moment you are talking as tho both parents have died. As both my parents are seriously ill I can sympathise a little with your post but not the 'who should have what' parts.
  I too have a brother, who has two children - the favoured ones in our family - should I say.
  When dad found out he had three months to live, mum had a stroke and so doesn't even know what day it is, he wanted to put things in order . He told me the money he had going to me and my brother, he actually wanted to go one of his grandkids to put him thro uni. Did I throw a stop, feel hurt, blame dad etc. No. I phoned my brother and told him. Whatever my parents leave this earth with or without is not automatically anyone's.
  Dad has a car, but can no longer drive. My brother said he would take the car for his son who didn't have one as dad had offered it to them. Again fine, the car isn't mine, I have no entitlement to it, my nephew gets use from it when dad can't. I don't see an issue.
  You seem to think that just because they are your parents you should get something.
  Who pays for the care? I would look into that, see what assets they have, work outhow you can use there assets to ensure they have the best care available to them right now. It must be hard on your mum to have in effect lost her husband. My dad suffers everyday, with his illness but also with mum who had a stroke eight years ago and is not who he married anymore. We pay for care for mum as a top up, she would only get the very basic if we didn't. This helps enormously.
  It's so very sad in you're situation, I do understand. I never liked my mum but my dad is my world. I cope by wanting nothing from my parents but for dad to have aneasy time no matter how long he had left .
  I would give any inheritance up to have him well. I wish he had spent it in his lifetime.
  Try and let go of any feelings you have of not fair, who should have what. If your brother gets a car so what. Not every child is to be treated the same. Make your own life, your future. Forgive your family and move on, out else hurt, bitterness etc will stop you seeing clearly.
  You only have a very short time left with your family, use it wisely ifyou want or else cut ties and move on .
• Sorry but giving a car to a grandson is something a grandparent is very likely to do if they are able.
  My father gave gave his car to my son when he was 17 and bought himself a new one. Five years later mum bought herself a new car and rather trade the old one in she gave it to my daughter, who was only 16 at the time, in readiness for her 17th.
  What you are doing is calling your brother a liar without any proof that your father didn't give him the car. Just because your brother has money doesn't mean your father wouldn't do this.
  As others have said, your parents are still alive, it's their money and assets and they can do exactly as they please.
• Every car log book in the country was re-issued in 2012? sounds odd. How did you get it?
• OP said that she did go and see her mother in the nursing home, so maybe she got it then, or maybe she has gone to the house with brother to pick up the mail and paperworks.
  OP, you haven't been back and I am wondering if it is because the posts have upset you. You said in your first post that Ј3,000 would make big difference to you. Are you in debts? Do you need it for something specific? If this what is the main issue for you, could you forget about the car, but maybe mention that you are in real need of some cash? Maybe your parents and brother would be more understanding then as it wouldn't come across as being jealous of something going to your nephew rather than you?
• Get a grip. Neither of you should be pocketing cash or stripping assets. In the absence of a POA you need to apply to the court of protection for deputy ship. Though given you are both trying to pick the meat off living people you shouldn't be allowed.
  At least wait until someone is dead before taking their money.
  Hopefully care fees will eradicate the estate and then you can fight over how much you want to pay for the funerals