F U N N Y J O K E T H R E A D

A question about : F U N N Y J O K E T H R E A D

:: Hi Rizla01 - We had to remove you initial post as the content was causing a lot of complaints. Regards FM ::

....and.... I know it's an old one but still very funny, the first time.

A sweet little 5year old girl goes to the barber shop with her dad. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her daddy gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin. I know, she replies.
I'm gonna get tits too.

Best answers:

• ....................
• The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
  urgent problem with one of the main computers, so he dialed the
  employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
  "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice.
  "May I talk with him? "The child whispered, "No."
  Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
  Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?"
  Again the small voice whispered, "No."
  Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
  asked "Is anybody else there?"
  "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
  Wondering at what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
  asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
  "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
  "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came
  the whispered answer.
  Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
  Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
  that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
  "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
  In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
  landed the hello-copper."
  Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
  asked, "What are they searching for?"
  Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
  giggle:
  "ME."
• Seeing is believing.
  Okay go here
  Click on the thumbnails for the full picture (If you dare!)
• AND NOW ONE FOR THE LADS.
  Remember the Funky Chicken that you gave commands to.
  spent hours on that one did you.
  Well THIS should pass the time for you.
  ENJOY!!
• LMAO @ the car wash!
  I asked them to wash the car and they ended up bashing it with plastic hammers :confused:
• Sponge !!!!!
• One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
  I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!"
  So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
  Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
  We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
  Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
  Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
  Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly.
• Heart Surgeon's funeral
  One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At hisfuneral,
  his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of aheart
  made ofred roses.
  When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone saidtheir
  good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled
  inside, andthe heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the
  much lovedcardiologist.Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of
  laughter.
  Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next tohim
  asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
  "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the manreplied.
  "I'm agynaecologist"...
• >>HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
  Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket
  according to lights and darks.
  Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
  Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
  do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
  Get in the shower.
  Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
  vitamins.
  Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
  Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.
  Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
  red.
  Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
  Rinse conditioner off hair.
  Shave armpits and legs.
  Turn off shower.
  Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
  Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
  Get out of shower.
  Dry with towel the size of a small country.
  Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
  Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on
  head.
  If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
  >>HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
  Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a
  pile on the floor.
  Walk naked to the bathroom.
  If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making the
  "woo-woo" sound.
  Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
  Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
  Get in the shower.
  Wash your face.
  Wash your armpits.
  Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
  Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
  Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
  Wash your hair.
  Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
  Wee.
  Rinse off and get out of shower.
  Partially dry off.
  Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
  the whole time.
  Admire willy size in mirror again.
  Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
  If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make
  the"woo-woo" sound again.
  Throw wet towel on bed.
  >>I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING NOW BECAUSE MOST OF IT IS TRUE
• Hilarious (& true).
  Certainly gave OH a reason for another dig at the male species.
• 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
  (because they are plugged into a genius)
  2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
  (they don't have enough time)
  3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
  (they don't stop to ask directions)
  4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
  (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
  (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
  5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
  (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
  6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
  (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
  7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT
  DOWN?
  (don't know.....it never happened)
  8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
  (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
  Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and
  laughter in your heart......Then you are just an old, sour fart.
  Keep Smiling
• There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named
  because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked
  everyone not to call him Onestone.
  After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
  said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word
  got
  around and nobody called him that any more.
  Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
  morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
  forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to
  her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
  The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
  do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name
  until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
  away
  for many years.
  Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she
  saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
  Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
  to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
  next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
  What is the moral of this story? ...
  OH, come on take a guess!
  Think about it
  (You're going to love this!)
  And the moral is:
  You can't kill two birds with one stone!
• A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 47th birthday.
  She spends Ј20,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way
  home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks
  the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you
  think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the
  woman
  says happily.
  A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
  the same question.She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies,
  "Nope, I am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.
  While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
  He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
  young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it
  requires
  you to let me put my hands down your knickers. Then, I can tell exactly
  how old you are."
  They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best
  of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". The old
  man slips both hands down her knickers and begins to feel round.
  After several minutes she says, "Okay stop now, how old am I?"
  He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47."
  Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?" The old
  man
  replies......, "I was behind you in the queue at McDonald's."
• A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
  headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
  The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
  Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
  If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.
• A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
  sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
  10 MILES
  He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
  second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:
  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
  5 MILES
  Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
  past a third sign saying:
  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
  NEXT RIGHT
  His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
  far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
  to the door reading:
  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
  He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
  in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
  He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
  possibly doing business...."
  "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
  Passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
  and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
  He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
  the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
  through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
  He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
  the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds
  himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
  SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
• I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
  dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
  little thing bothering me-her beautiful younger sister.
  My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
  mini-skirts,
  and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was
  near
  me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.
  It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
  One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
  the
  wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
  to me
  that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
  She
  told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
  married
  and committed my life to her sister.
  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
  going
  upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
  come up
  and get me."
  I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
  When
  she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
  the
  stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
  beeline
  straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight
  towards
  my car.
  Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
  clapping!
  With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
  We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
  ask for
  a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
  nd the moral of this story is:
  Always keep your condoms in your car.