Daughter Issues

A question about : Daughter Issues

Apologies for the length of this post, but I wanted to try and include everything so that the full picture of the situation could be displayed.

My partner has 3 children, 2 young boys and a 17 year old daughter. The daughter has always been moody and distant, but was a very high achiever all the way through school and achieved excellent GCSE grades. Around the time she started college, she met a young Muslim man online and starting conversing with him. This expanded into a relationship, which entailed her visiting him in Milton Keynes (where he resides) . The formation of this relationship coincided with a downturn with her attendance at college. Furthermore, there has been some police involvement when the relationship became known at college, with the boyfriends family ‘known’ to police from previous incidents.

This relationship has continued now for more than 6 months, but is not a ‘stable’ relationship in the way that most would view this term. They spend constant hours on the phone, screaming, shouting and crying at each other. She has become obsessive to the point of cutting herself off from the rest of reality and focusing purely on this individual. As a result of this relationship she has dropped out of college, reinstated to start another college, dropped out of that college too, and now spends most of her time in her bedroom or lazing about the house. She will not engage with Connexions and has shown little interest in obtaining employment.

This is only part of the problem. She is a hugely disruptive influence in the household, to the point of the rest of the family being fearful of being there when she is present (Which is 90% of the time). Over the course of the past few months she has

• Held a knife to the throat of her oldest brother
• Gripped her youngest brother so hard that bruise marks have appeared on his arms
• Threatened suicide as a way of manipulation
• Hidden knives in her bedroom
• Stockpiled over the counter drugs in her bedroom
• Engaged in all night long shouting matches on the phone – Keeping the whole house awake
• Smashed items in the household/garden
• Swore constantly and frequently at her siblings/mother – She is almost incapable of holding a civilised conversation with anybody

My partner has desperately tried to access any form of help – From Social Services to the Police to GP’s to CAMHS to Housing Solutions – and has still had barely any contact from any of these agencies. Things have gotten to the point now where my partner is at the end of her tether and believes that there is nobody out there willing to help her. She has had contact with Social Services, and has been promised assistance (she has been allocated a social worker) but meetings have been arranged and then cancelled with little or no notice – These meetings have then not been rearranged, so weeks then pass without any involvement.

It seems that the only way that anybody will pay attention to the situation is if something terrible happens, and that is the ultimate fear that my partner has. How do we get somebody to pay attention to the situation?!

Best answers:

• The problem is social services (and most social workers will only be a few years older than your daughter) probably don't know how to handle this kind of thing. What can they do.., put her into an institute (where places are far and few between). There's also the element of risk as far as racist accusations being levelled.
  This doesn't help you, I know, I know you love her.., but I think you are going to have to look at things inside the house to help her and yourselves. Unfortunately the system is failing you.
  It strikes me that the young lady must be very unhappy.., no one acts in this way if they are happy. Would it be possible to listen to her even if she shouts and try to get to a space where she is able to talk? She sounds very angry, which is usually based on something. Is there anything else that happened at the time this behaviour started?
  However, I wonder if there are problems that are a bit longer term than suggested? If she is having problems with boundaries, are they firmly and consistently applied? Is this a historical problem?
  If she shouts all night on the phone, remove phone. I've had to do similiar things with my older son at times. Never leave the younger children in her presence alone. Not even upstairs. If parents get into a shouting match with her, the situation can escalate.., so don't. Talk firmly but calmly. Unless a way is found of communicating that she is loved but the behaviours are unacceptable (and checked) as you are well aware, things won't change.
  If she wants to stay in her room, she has nothing in her room but her bed and some clothes. She gets stuff when she makes an effort to help in the house. But she has to understand clearly what the limits are.
  Is there anything she is interested in? Animals for example.., that she could turn into volunteer work?
  My son went on a Princes Trust course when he was out of education.., transformed him and gave him a lot of self confidence (they work on getting young people to appreciate their value and the value of working towards what they want). But of course, the young people have to be prepared to co-operate with this. The value of doing something like this has to mean something to them. My son was completely disengaged (bad schooling and bullying, not his fault).., so I had to talk about what the course could do for him, whatever meant anything to him.
  I suspect a lot of talking and listening has to go on between your step daughter and her family. I know you have probably tried, but suspect it might have not been carried out in the most constructive way.
  I hope you are able to find a way.
• I know exactly what you are going through as I have a friend in the very same position with her daughter who is 14. The household are held hostage by her behaviour.
  Social services, the police, school, Cahms etc have all been involved but the end result is that there is no help.
  This girl is now not attending school at all and there is no penalty. The police call when she has smashed windows in the house, threatened her parents or siblings but they speak nicely to her and calm her down then walk away. social services have said there is nothing can be done unless she hurts someone (by which time the damage is done!) or she is neglected or abandoned! Then they would step in.
  getting help is nigh on impossible. I really feel for you.
• I agree with a lot of what deanntrois said. I am a SW (but quite a few years older than your granddaughter just to point this out!) it certainly sounds like something else is underlying. Is there an element of sexual exploitation with her boyfriend? this is a huge problem at the moment with vulnerable teenage girls. I can only think that she is almost 18 so then wouldn't qualify for social services assistance, not fair, but true....only as an adult who would need to access the service herself. Would it be worth funding counselling or therapy for her? It sounds like she has low confidence and self esteem perhaps. I worked with the princes trust for a while and they really do run a fab course for yp not in education or employment. The basis of the course is to work on self esteem, confidence, decision making and employment skills, may be worth a try? Other than that, perhaps agreeing to spend time alone with her doing something she enjoys to give her the opportunity to open up....but don't make promises you can't keep because this will make things worse. I always find that yp talk more in the car because I am not looking at them, simple tactic but always works. Hope things get better for you
• I have to wonder if there is a Mental Health problem with your stepdaughter. but, TBH, accessing Mental Health services is problematic. could your wife speak to stepdaughters GP? I find it hard to believe that a six month relationship could result in such a change of behaviour unless drug abuse is involved. and I don't mean 'over the counter' drugs either. although they can be potent and sometimes fatal in combination. perhaps your wife could mention this to GP?
  Something needs to be done and other avenues have failed - if you can get her GP to understand the seriousness of her behaviour then it MAY be possible to get her Sectioned and treated. and I know I will get flamed for the suggestion - but, she has huge problems and they may not all be down to boyfriend. I also very much doubt she would agree to see GP and ask for help herself.
• Maybe getting her assessed by first GP and then a referral to a psychiatrist. She will be very averse to this so ultimatums would have to be enforced. If she is ruining others lives you have to ask yourself can this continue ad infinitum. No pain no gain.
• The problem is, the OP's daughter is 17. So as far as Mental Heatlh Services, she's not quite an adult and not really a child. So the GP won't know where to refer her to. The OP has already tried CAHMs.
  It is a very difficult situation. The only thing that can be done is to try and get the young lady to a place where she sees she needs help. But to do this, the relationship between her and her family needs to be less confrontational, which is easier said than done.
  Does the young lady have any family member she finds approachable?
• I would report her behaviour to the child protection team, at your local social services.
  They will probably intervene, because of the safety risk to the younger children.
  Not a nice thing to have to do, but it may be the best way to get all of you some help.
  Good luck.
  Lin
• kick the !!!! out