complexed situation

A question about : complexed situation

hi all,
bit complicated this so please bear with me.
My stepson has lived with his mum all his life, he is now 25, and has a drugs and drink problem( snorts meow meow and something else, and drinks vodka and beer). He started taking the drugs when he was 18 and after 5 years came of them and was clean, but started again 2 years ago, got into an awful lot of debt, which we paid of for him and he paid us back. He stopped again, got clean, then started again back in october last year. By the way, he does not work, and has lost his jsa a number of times...
We have helped him as much as we can, his mum has never wanted him, she is very very cold hearted person.
He used to stay with us, for a few days, but the last time he came, he went and got drugs and used them in the house. We found out as he told us. Unfortunately, his dad was furious and took him home. His mum told her son that she was kicking him out of the house before xmas, but she was told by family that that was too cruel and should leave it until afterwards, which she did. In the meantime, he got picked up by the police for suspision of possessing drugs and not being able to go home (as his mum wouldnt let him in), he was taken up to his nan;s house. He stayed the night then went back home. He has now been thrown out of his mums house, and the police took him back up to nannys. He has been there 3 weeks now, he has no money, nanny gives him money to go out with occasionaly and she supplies him with beer. He is a very volatile and violent person while on the drugs, hears voices, gets paranoid when someone comes to the door,steals, lies and everything else that comes with being on drugs. But... his nan will not see him homeless, which we can understand. My husband is in danger of losing his sister and his mother and father over this, as they want him to come and live with us, which he can't.. I have 2 children, who are scared to death of him(he walked round the kitchen with a knife as he though next door were spying on him through a mirror on the wall, police were called and he was arrested, not the first time he was either) and don't want him anywhere near them, and tbh, im scared of him too. We dont have the room either for him or the finances!, we have offered to help him, and he has an appointment for counselling, he has another appointment at the docs too (they gave him anxiety tabs), and hubby told nanny that he would take him to the council and get his name put down on waiting list for housing. But.. nannny doesn't want him to go into housing, she wants him to stay there or come to ours, neither of which can happen,(they are in there 80's and dad in law is showing signs of dementia), hubby's sister is furious with him for letting him stay there and wants him out... what can we do to help him if nanny wont?
there is a lot more to this story that is too long winded to go into, but anyone who has been with someone on drugs will know how dangerous they can be, he has kicked doors in, punched walls etc etc, I feel awful that he can't come and live here with us...

Best answers:

• My cousin was on drugs for a good few years and was quite bad on them (although not to the extent of your step son). My aunt and uncle were forever kicking him out as he was doing drugs around his little sister (10 years younger than him) and kept stealing things, including items from our house when he visited.
  We're pretty sure that the drugs have now stopped as he got himself into a rather sticky situation with his dealer and owed a LARGE amount of money, which his parents could not and would not help him repay (tough love at its finest). He met a nice girl around that time with a sensible head on her shoulders and she basically told him he got off drugs or she would leave him.
  I'm not entirely sure what followed but they ended up renting this AWFUL place together (serious scuzz-ville) and she kept asking why they couldn't afford a better place. Well, it turned out that he was still taking drugs and paying off his dealer which she was NOT happy about. She called the police and my cousin got arrested (but let off with a caution) and the drug dealer was imprisoned, which took the heat off my cousin. However, he was told by the police that if he didn't stop the drugs he was unlikely to get off as easily next time.
  That was a couple of years ago now and he is now clean and sober and has a warehouse job. It's nothing much but it pays the bills and they're looking at somewhere nicer to live now.
  I guess what I'm saying is that there's not a lot YOU can do to help him, he needs to want to help himself. Don't have him live with you, it sounds far too dangerous but I think his father needs to have a good sit down chat with him and possibly attend the doctors appointment too. It sounds to me that your Step-son could do with some proper rehabilitation, rather than just anxiety tablets! It sounds like housing is the best option, so you might just have to ignore nanny at the moment - nan's will always think the world of their grandchildren and see no fault in them so you just need to do what is best for the entire family, and not just pander to the whims of others.
  Sorry, this was a bit longer than I expected! I hope it helps a little bit though! x
• I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
  Unfortunately the only person that can help step son is himself, and he will need to hit rock bottom before he will seek help, by enabling him (either you, your husband, nanny etc etc), giving him money, putting up with his behaviour rock bottom is being put off and put off, at the detriment of nanny, her husband, you and your family.
  I don't see why nanny doesn't want him in housing, he is 25, most 25 yo have moved out and are living on their own. As long as where he is safe I don't see an issue with this. I can understand that your SIL is concerned about the impact on nanny of having him live their but as long as it is her choice there is not much you, your husband or SIL can do about it. If nanny's husband does have dementia depending on the stage it may be that that can force him out the house, if it is deemed not in dad in laws best interest, but I suspect that is a way off.
  Please please don't feel forced in to taking him in to your home, you need to protect yourselves and your children. You have given him help and support and offered viable alternatives.
  What has step son said about where he wants to live? Is he willing to accept help? If he is then he needs to go back to a different GP and get more hope.
• He is an adult. Your priority is your children. Your right, you cant have him at your house if your children are scared to death of him.
• Thanks for replies, Stepson has told nanny that he is coming to live with us when he is better... But hubby has told him he can't, but he won't take no as an answer.. he gets something in his head and there's no telling him otherwise, he becomes obsessive, oh and he also has obsessive compulsive disorder, he is seeing a different doctor today as he didn't like the one he saw last week. Hubby told nanny to go and sit in with him on the consultation to make sure he tells them everything that is going on with him, including his mental state, but she wouldn't do that.. so we just have his word as to what is being said and done.
  I feel sorry for my hubby as he is the one copping all the flack for this, and i can see a massive break up coming...
• I would not have him move in either, but try to scrape together enough money to rent him a bedsit (paid directly to the landlord) so he at least has somewhere to stay. Try to get him appointments with gp, counsellor etc since it sounds like he has both mental health issues and addiction he needs help with - but unless he wants to help himself it might not help.
• As your DH and SIL both agree that Nannys isn't the right place for SS, could they not talk about what to do that doesn't involve him staying and either nannys or yours?, then they can tackle nanny and SS together too?
  Does SS want to go to rehab? can he go to rehab? Can your DH speak with his GP to ask for help?
• He needs help. He is unstable. If left to his own devices this has the potential to become a situation were someone could get hurt, either himself or a family member or a random stranger who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Check out the Mind Website...www.mind.org.uk they might be able to suggest somewhere to go to get help.
• He sounds like he needs to be committed. At the very least a local mental health team should be involved.
  There are teams that deal with multiple issues, like drugs, mental health, addiction. But it's patchy and you probably have to push for it? Does he not want you seeing medical teams with him?
  You say he quit twice and paid you back so he has it in him to quit and become a decent human being, what changed to drag him back into it?
  I feel like you guys maybe are trying to keep your distance but you can still help him get back on his feet and support him while making it very clear that he won't be able to move in.
  Just because you show an interest and are hands on and help him doesn't mean that will obligate you to have him move in. Just help him get back on his feet, he's done it twice before and be firm and consistent on him moving in.
  Ask him what changed to make hin use again, then he needs to see a professional to reolve those psychologial issues or it'll happen again.
• update to situation, he went back to doctors yesterday, they have now put him on anti depressants, along with his anxiety tabs, he has to go back in 1 month. He has said that he hasn't taken any drugs for 2 weeks, but personally, im reluctant to believe that as he has been asking nanny for money so that he can go out, and like a fool, she gives it him. It's everyday/night, not just the occasional day or night either, she gave him Ј20 last night, and when hubby asked for what, nanny said it was to pay back someone he leant money of on sunday,and he went out with some lads in a car she didn't no, but when hubby asked his son, he said it was to go out with his mate for a drink!.. hmmm,
  Stepson has agreed to go to the council to see if they can help him, and put his name down for housing, he is supposedly going to call at the drop in centre for counselling for help with his drugs, drinks and other probs.
  Hubby had a good talk to him last night, and he now understands why he can't come here, i really don't feel the doctors have helped him much tbh, but will see how we go from here...
• Nan isn't helping the situation by doing that. She needs to stop making things easy for him in terms of booze. Chances are, he gets back on the drugs when he's had a few ales.
  If he seems largely fine when he is sober, chances are it is the drugs causing the mental issues. Would agree with the above on getting him his own place though. Is he on a waiting list? Can nan effectively 'make him homeless' so he can apply for a place of his own?
• Whilst things seem settled at the moment your husband and his sister need to discuss next steps with their parents, ie. What happens if he takes drugs again? He needs referral to local CMHT who can provide support with keeping him clean,.
  Grandparents should also be assessed to see if Granddad is suffering dementia so they can get the assistance they need. Also grandmother needs to be supported in not giving/lending him money as it is not helping him. Perhaps they need to move into sheltered accommodation as they age then could not have grandson living with them.
  At the end of the day your stepson needs to take responsibility for himself, it sounds like he can keep himself drug free when it suits. Hopefully there isn't a serious underlying mental health issue but this does not appear to be the case.
• I feel for you I really do cos our son is on drugs and we found the only thing we could do was step back from it all mainly to save our sanity but also cos we were doing him no favours . We never give him money but will give him food and buy him clothes for his birthday, Christmas etc .
  Is there not a group for families you can attend ?
  There wasn't around our way until me, hubby and another couple started one .
  Best thing we did because it helped us to understand we weren't alone plus talking to people gave us an insight in their struggles .
  My son is now living in supported accomodation and now going days without taking anything so I`m not hopeful but its good .
  Pm me if you need any info , advice etc xx
  val
• I am so angry, dissapointed and feel like we are wasting our time.
  Organised for stepson to go to counselling for drug and alcholol misuse, (been organised for over a week), hubby rang his mother tuesday, wednesday and again thursday just to make sure it was still on. It came to light on Thursday that nanny hadn't even told ss where he was going!! So, hubby asked his son if he wanted to go to the counselling Friday pm and he said yes.. whoo hoo i thought, finally he is seeing that he needs help....
  Nanny has just rang, ss is not going today as he is still in bed... why is he still in bed??? because his friend went round last night and they had a couple of cans, oh and because nanny bought him a bottle of bloody Vodka too!!!! been up all night drinking that and watching films apparently....
  Oh and apparently, nanny is due to go on holiday soon too and doesn't want him staying there! she is insisting he comes here in a round about sort of way... told her we have no bedroom now, as its been gutted!!
  Why do we even bother.......................But somehow, this will still all come back on us and family fall out is in process....
• Don't let him stay whatever you do. My god he is 25.
  Sounds harsh but maybe he needs to feel what a horrible place the gutter is before he can do what's needed to never end up back there.
  He will have two choices. Sink or swim.
  Time to take the float away maybe?
  Sorry that you have to go through it op. Your a better person than me that's for sure. I would have turned my back long ago