Can I stop him going

A question about : Can I stop him going

Hi my ex husband is in the TA, we have three boys 9,5 and 5.

He looks after them a lot while I work and he has them every other weekend.

It has come to light over the last week that he has volunteered to go to Afganasatan (sorry about spelling)

He has said it has nothing to do with me.

If he was called up on Queens order's like in 2003 fine no problem totally understandable.

Yes while we were married fine I had no life and neither me and boys seen much of him, he now basically thinks his parents who are in their late seventys can step in to his shoes I had to explain that this is not an option they dont have the staying power or the money to come to my to look after the kids while I am in work.

He has now said the tour would last nine months I cant cope with this

Being divorced I would get no support from the army, his girlfriend that he left me for has offered to have the boys on the odd weekend as if I have never spoke to her at all.

I am trying not to be selfish I know this is what he trained for but him gone to so long would cost me loads I would have to give up one of my nights in work, food costs would go up and so would costs keeping them entertained at weekends.

He has said they will find out on 09/04/11 if he is going and will go end of may training some where in this country and in Germany and threee weeks off before deployment in july/august

Sorry for the rant but really dont think I could cope with the boys for so long with out the assistance of their father, I really dont know how I did not end up on anti depressant tablets when he left me when the twins where two.

susan

Best answers:

• I don't think thankfully that there is anything you can do to stop him going, and I don't see why you are so concerened, you are after all divorced!
  On a positive side, I presume you get maintenance off him, he might be earning more while he's out on tour, he'll be spending less and not spending on having the children, so he may agree to help you out a bit more with extra money, especially as from the sounds of it he does have the kids a lot?
  I know it will make a difference to your life and especially the kids, and I'm sure it will make a big difference to him.... You are divorced though and need to move on with your life, yes it will be hard for you all, but you can't REALLY expect him to not go just so you can go out and find a new boyfriend, CAN YOU!
  Personally, i'd try and calm down a bit, and talk to him, and MAKE SURE that he has taken care of his estate with regards the Children in case the worst happens. And explain that it will cost you more and he will be saving money not seeing the kids and see what he says.
  Hope you can work this out and he has a safe tour
• Does he not pay CSA that could be used to fund childcare? To be honest I think you're being unreasonable and selfish. If I was in a similar situation I think I'd be more concerned about explaining to my children about where Daddy was going and why etc. He will have a lot on his mind before going somewhere like Afgan and last thing he needs is the added stress of you making things more difficult for him.
• yes we may be divorced but as I said he does see a lot of the boys, alot of this is when I am in work, I will have to reduce my hours due the hours I do of an evening.
  I understand that this is what he has trained for, I think it was more the fact that he had not considered the boys or myself in his decison and the out come it will have on us all.
• fuzzybear when I asked him all about this I was told he has already spoke to eldest with out giving me any hint of this. Eldest is a lovely but quiet boy who keeps things to him self and did not take his dad leaving well and was very angry at use to take it out on his brothers. I am dreading how all this could effect them they are all doing really well in school.
  We did not do the CSA route as we got on with regard to finances.
• I appreciate it's going to cause you a lot of stress and chilcare issues, but you no longer have a say in this life. I can't help but agree with Fuzzy in the fact your being selfish, it's not all about you. Sorry to sound harsh, but I'm thinking of your children. They're going to miss a lot of time with their Dad and maybe aware of the deaths etc in Afghan. Children pick up on a lot of things and it could really effect them quite badly. You need to make plans in your own mind, just in case the worst happens. Speaking to your ex about wills, goodbye letters and the children's future is a must. You need to be strong and to sit down and actually look at how you can solve these issues on your own. My hubby is a in full-time and I know how you feel about work etc. No-one gives me a break, helps with my childcare, entertains them on a weekend etc whilst he is away on seemingly never-ending dets and ops. You have to paint a smile on and carry on regardless. Sorry if this seems blunt, but you need to be pratical and start making plans.
• Can your family not help out with childcare?
• Sorry but I think your being totally unreasonable and are being selfish. Its his job, what hes been trained to do. Thousands of service wives would love to be able to stop their partners going away on tour but you cant end of!! I know that probably sounded blunt but its only for 9 months. Can you not drop your hours on a temporary basis so you only work 16 hours a week? If you get your maintenance paid direct through the CSA then your monthly payments will go up automatically anyway and are not taken into account with other benefits.
  I know its upsetting that he has chosen to go to Afghan but most soldiers WANT to go and do what they signed up to do soldier first, kids/familys come second but thats just the way it is.
• Can you not get a childminder and claim tax credits? Before I married my husband (regular soldier) I worked full time as a single parent and had a child minder. Yes this is an inconvenience to you, I understand that but you have no say over his life now. Your concentration should be what you are going to do to resolve this situation without him I am afraid.
• as he will be away he will be on increased operational allowance pay can you not ask him to make up the difference if you now have to give up hours at work for the 9 months that he is away?
  as you are divorced i don't think you can do anything to stop him but maybe you should sit down and have a sensible chat about how things will work for the 9 months deployment ref the childcare situation.
• I don't think you can stop him going - once he's volunteered he can't back out. They might not take up his offer but I wouldn't hold your breath for that.
  But get the details for his families officer - or contact Chilwell (mobilisation centre) direct. When TA soldiers are mobilised, the people left behind can claim money to cover jobs the soldier would have done if he were home. There are lots of rules about who can claim, what you can and can't claim and everybody gets a different story about it - but it's well worth a try.
  Although you're divorced it sounds like you're financially dependent - or more to the point the children are. So you should point out to him that he must make suitable life assurance arrangements, to provide for the children in the event of him being killed (or injured - around 10 guys injured for every death in Afghan last I heard). I don't personally know how that works but it must be a common situation. If he argues, again go the families officer or his CO - some of them are very good at making sure squaddies look after their dependents instead of spending all their money on beer!
• I'd say the OP is far from selfish!? The Ex husband is selfish imo! Voluntarily leaving his children for 9 months? Also if i didnt have a break from my children for 9 months i'd be severely depressed, not every family have a good support network that will help out. And No OP you can't stop him but if he refuses extra maintenance to cover you increased costs then go direct to the csa, i beleive they take a % of income and whilst ex H is away he will b earning more i assume. Then you can look into child minders, holiday clubs etc. GL x
• I am afraid that's military life ! When my OH went to Afghan I had to cope with my children miles away from my family - and his family too - you just do it because you have to, even though can be horrible, and exhausting at times, and some days you do sit and cry and think you can't cope. But the next day you pick yourself up, put on a smile for the sake of your kids and get on with it. My friends were a godsend with my family being so far away. There are ways for your children to keep in touch with their Dad - Skype calls, blueys - even if they can't write they can draw a picture, e-blueys where you can add photos. Maybe dad can do a Storybook soldier cd for them before he goes.
  When he gets back not only are you proud of him for doing his job, but you are proud of yourself and your children for getting through all that time without him.
  Maybe you should put a post on the CSA thread - there a lots of single parents on there who may be able to offer you some further advice and support.
  Good luck!
• Sorry OP but I wonder why you did divorce, reading your posting was it because you are selfish. Once a soldier always a soldier, and if he feels that it is his duty, then you shouldn't stop him. Your posting is all about yourself, not the children. Grow up.