Am I Being Unreasonable?

A question about : Am I Being Unreasonable?

Before I start I'd like to say whilst not a dog lover I do not dislike dogs. I watch tv programmes about dog rescues, and I watched the programme about the puppies last week. I watch You Tube programmes about funny animals. I often come on here to look at the photos and read the stories.

However, the reason we watch all these programmes is that my husband is desperate for a dog. He says our 'kids' who live at home (aged 25 and 28) are desperate for one too but I think my daughter would quite like a cute puppy but she is not that bothered. My son is very keen I must say but either of them could leave home at anytime.

As my husband works, I would be the one faced with the major care and training of the dog. Now my husband has brow beaten me about this for 13 years since the last disaster. I have always said no to a dog shock/horror, totally against the idea but just recently it has occurred to me that his entire happiness seems to rest on having a pet. He is so determined and passionate about it. I have suggested a cat because I prefer them but that is not enough. He wants something to go with him on bike rides and trips to the beach. He has always brought our son and daughter in on the argument so its three against one and I am also left feeling like the mean one. It is about time that I am generous about something though.

Although he says that he would be the one to train and care for the dog I don't really buy that. However, I have finally relented in that I have told him that if he builds the garage extension he can have his dog. I have also laid down a lot of ground rules because I feel that my life will be ruined otherwise as it was before.

To explain this - our house is like a building site, especially the living room. The place is full of trip hazards, tools etc. Although some of the house is like this we have a new dining room with solid oak floors and a new kitchen, both of which are quite small. When I asked him where the dog would sleep he said the hall. Now if you could see our hall you would know how impossible this would be. The area at the bottom of the stairs is so small that the dog would both be trodden on by people coming down the stairs and rammed by the opening front door. The hallway itself is so narrow that we cannot comfortably put anything against the wall without having to squeeze past it. On top of this, he wants a Labrador.

The garage extension was supposed to be done years ago but my husband has left it till now. The garage was supposed to be built up and around so that it is an internal room and part of it would become a spacious utility room with lighting, central heating and a tiled floor. If my husband did this (he is in the building trade) then the rest of the house could be tidied up.

I've said to him that if he does this work then a dog bed could be put out there and the dog could eat out there. I think if my rules are followed so that the dog doesn't take over then I will be fond of it but if it is allowed to run wild then I won't be.

The rules I have laid down are as follows and my husband agrees that the dog should know its place.

Dog sleeps in its bed in the utility room, dog eats its food out there.

Dog is allowed to sleep on the rug in front of the gas fire (at present buried in building materials) in the living room but not on the soft furnishings.

Dog is not allowed upstairs at all (husband wants it allowed upstairs but not on the beds, I don't think that is doable).

Dog goes out to its bed when we eat at the table or have guests that do not like dogs.

Dog is properly house trained and trained in general to walk at heel, sit, not to beg, not to jump up, not to run off, not to bite, not to chew furniture etc.

Dog is walked regularly. I would take it for a walk during the daytime but they can do nights.

If all this is kept to then I think I would be pretty okay about keeping a dog. However, my son says that all these rules would take the fun out of owning a dog and there is no point in getting one. I said to him he had better decide what he wants because I can take it or leave it. My husband while agreeing with me is a bit soft and is starting to waver. My son did come back a while later and asked how he could help with building the garage.

So maybe I'm just a heartless monster who shouldn't own a dog but I feel that a trained dog who knows its place would be a happier dog, especially as I would like it.

If we have an out of control animal then I just couldn't cope with it and it wouldn't be fair on the dog. By the way, I would overlook puppy naughtiness as the dog was being trained but would expect the adult dog to be good. I need that for the sake of my sanity. I would take the puppy to dog training classes. I am ok with Labradors as we had a family one when I was a child. The garage could be in place by the autumn of this year.

I am sure your replies are going to be please do not get a dog, you are unsuitable but I would give the dog a good life and the best food and medical treatment, also lots of fun and affection, it would just have to know how to behave. I wouldn't want a soft lap dog.

When we had a Labrador when I was a child the dog was brought up very strictly. He wasn't allowed on furniture or upstairs. He had to sleep in his own bed. That dog would die rather than dirty the floor and if he farted he used to get up and leave the room before any of us said anything! My dad was a forester so the dog was trained as a gun dog and would retrieve wild birds and drop them at my dad's feet.

Best answers:

• It won't work out the way you would like it to.
  Don't get a dog.
• My husband and kids persuaded me to have a dog. I did all the walking after the first couple of years, I did all the feeding, all the vets visits. Broke my heart when she died but I will not be talked into it again.
  Have you talked about holidays, I was promised she would go to kennels and holidays not a problem. She went twice and husband didn't like it so we went over ten years without a holiday.
  Good luck.
• You shouldn't get a dog unless everyone in the family is 100% sure about it. It's not fair for you to be under constant pressure about it, and it won't be fair to any dog you get. It bodes very ill for me when you say your son believes that what you are describing (basically a well trained dog) would "take all the fun out of it"!
  There was a thread not too long ago on here by a lady who let her husband talk her into getting a dog she didn't really want. He was full of promises about it. What she ended up with was a totally untrained, frustrated, bored, destructive dog because the husband lost interest as soon as it required him to make a bit of effort. She was in tears about it because she couldn't cope any longer, and the dog was probably even more miserable, poor thing.
  Dogs are not much work once trained and integrated into the household, but they are often a huge amount of work to get to that stage. If your husband is so keen to have a companion for walks and bike rides, how about he volunteers with a rescue centre or the Cinnamon Trust?
• Well, I would stick to your guns about getting the house ready first. Chances are that will never happen by the sound of it and then they can't say it's your fault they never got their dog. And in the unlikely chance they do the work and the dog appears then at least you got something out of it.
  As to the rest of it that's up to you to stand firm and not let them shirk on their side, not even once. Stick your T&Cs up on the kitchen notice board and get them to read and sign it, preferably in blood!
• How willing are you to compromise on your rules if the dog needs it. For example, a puppy often benefits from being up in the bedroom for a while during housetraining, so you can see if it wakes up in the night needing the. An ill dog might have accidents inside even when housetrained, a dog with a fear of fireworks may need to sleep in the main part of the house rather than out in a utility room to settle better, and so on.
  Having rules is fine - we don't let our dogs on the sofas or beds, for example - but they may need to be altered or relaxed at times. We decided when we moved that we wanted the dogs to stay out of the newly decorated lounge when left home alone, but one of them developed separation anxiety and was much happier given freeroam of downstairs so we had to make the compromise (and accept that the white walls wouldn't stay white for long!)
• Dog sleeps in its bed in the utility room, dog eats its food out there. Where is the utility room in regards to the rest of the house? Just asking because although mine sleeps in a crate downstairs, I need to be able to hear him so that he can woof and let me know if there's a problem. Such as when he's got the runs at 5 am like he did this morning
  Dog is allowed to sleep on the rug in front of the gas fire (at present buried in building materials) in the living room but not on the soft furnishings.Sounds ok to me, gitdog in theory not allowed on furniture, however there's been a bit of rule shift over time and he does sneak on my lap. Not allowed up unless on my lap though.
  Dog is not allowed upstairs at all (husband wants it allowed upstairs but not on the beds, I don't think that is doable). It is doable with training but I have a baby gate on the stairs and he only comes up when I'm up there during the day. However the last dog was a nightmare unless she could sleep in the bedroom due to her anxieties.
  Dog goes out to its bed when we eat at the table or have guests that do not like dogs. Sound ok, I do the same with Gitdog
  Dog is properly house trained and trained in general to walk at heel, sit, not to beg, not to jump up, not to run off, not to bite, not to chew furniture etc.Lovely in theory. Who gets to implement all this training, take it to puppy classes and deal with it being a !!!! while it learns?
  Dog is walked regularly. I would take it for a walk during the daytime but they can do nights. Par for the course.
  My brother has similar rules to yours, it works fine for them and it doesn't spoil the fun. Theirs is a gundog that was rehomed by the gamekeeper at 9 months due to being scared of guns. So it is possible, although when they got him the hard training work had already been done.
  I think what you need to consider though is what happens if the rules don't work, or the rest of the family start ignoring them. Outdoor trained gundog is a bit different to a cute puppy in a house where some family members are only paying lip service to what you want. Or you end up with a dog that's a PITA to train and pushes every button going. You need a lot of tolerance for that, so if you're not over keen to start with then that may become an issue.
  I'm not saying do it or don't do it. I'm saying think through every possibility as a family because if you're a responsible owner you're lumbered with whatever you get and have to get on with it. However hard it can be at times, when your best handbag has been demolished, there's wee and sick on the floor and the wallpaper has mysteriously vanished off the walls. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
• See, this is why I don't date people who don't like/have dogs. Its a fundamental incompatibility, and there's really no way round it!
  You shouldn't get a dog, everybody in the house needs to be completely and fully on board. A dog shouldn't be living in a family where some of the members only just tolerate its presence.
  Dogs are animals, not robots, and training is never entirely straightforward there are always surprises and setbacks and blips and the need for some flexibility to account for the individual animal's quirks and needs. You'll probably never be entirely happy with the dog around.
  Maybe your husband should go and volunteer at a rescue, or he could join 'borrow my doggy' to walk/dogsit other people's dogs without the responsibility and the burden on you.
• Are you prepared for the months of training- maybe a couple of years -before your puppy matures into that well trained dog?
  it is all doable but not a quick fix.
  You get out of a dog what you put in and all members of the household need to be signing from the same hymn sheet. If one member has different ideas and rules you will end up with a confused dog.
  What happens if the other members of the family opt out and you are left holding the lead?
  You know your family and whether you can rely on them to stick to what they agree to for 12-15 years.
  Will they walk the dog in the dark and in all weathers-pouring rain, sleet or snow?
  Will they accept it if they can't do things or go places because the dog can only be left alone for a few hours.
  What will happen for days out or holidays? Kennels need to be researched in advance and booked early. They also have to budgeted for.
  You don't sound convinced that they will and , in that case , I would say no.
  If you are prepared to go ahead with getting a dog i would not say they can have one when the building work is finished. I would say I will consider it when the building work is finished. Things may have changed by then and you don't want to be held to something that is no longer is suitable.
• i feel for you OP, and I think you know already that you'd be the one left to train, feed, walk and discipline the dog.
  My OH and DD would love a dog, but its not happening, as I would be the one who'd have to do all the work, and they both know realistically they wouldn't do it.
• I'm a bit like you, I don't mind others having dogs, visiting them etc I will happily play with them but I do not want and will not have a dog.
  My hubby was desperate for one for a while, we got a cat who we both dote on as we BOTH wanted her, she is part of our family and we both look after her in all aspects.
  I find it rather laughable that such adult "children" are being considered in this decision or are they really planning in staying with you for the next 15 years!! If they are that desperate I suggest they look for a place of their own and get a dog.
  Dogs need love and care from all the family, I was honest I said I would not be prepared to walk it in all weathers as I believe that they need to be taken out twice a day and I know it is right but I can't poop scoop either! I will deal with our cats litter tray in the privacy of my own home but that's as far as it goes.
  In your shoes I would stick to your guns and say no. Maybe when your husband retires and has the time to look after an older rescue dog?
• Don't get a dog.
  The poor thing would wonder what it had done wrong to be treated in the ways you describe.
• If I were you I wouldn't get a dog.
  You've already said you know you'll be responsible for it in the end, training a dog to be well behaved takes years of consistency. And it doesnt sound like you could be bothered (I dont mean that in a nagative way, not everyone wants a dog and shouldn't have to have to to make others happy).
  I couldn't imagine not letting my dog on the sofa with me, mine aren't allowed upstairs because the cats don't take kindly to that but besides that they sleep where they want and go where they want.
  And you could spend months training this dog to go to its basket when you eat only for another family member to let it sit next to them one meal time whilst you're out and those months have training will have been for naught. Same with not getting on the sofa or going upstairs etc.
  What if you get a dog that develops anxiety issues and wont settle at night unless it's in the bedroom? Or you're downstairs? Will it be allowed upstairs then?
  What happens when the family decide they want a day trip, or a holiday? Are they prepared for the shockingly expensive kennel costs? Or to limit trips to places that allow dogs? What about days out? Will the children/husband be happy to leave something they're enjoying to get home because the dog can't be left for hours on end alone?
  As above, are they happy to be trudging out in below zero temperatures or sheet rain to walk the dog?
  Also, to be honest if a dog isn't going to be loved by every member of the family, it's not fair on the dog. And it's not fair on you to have to put up with what will essentially be another child for the next 10/20 years ( I've had two dogs, both lived till they were 19 and 20, I hope the ones I have now get there too!) when you don't really want to. Only it will never 'grow up' it will need you to do everything for it for its entire life. Feed, water, exercise, toilet, care through illness etc. And unless that's a commitment you're 100% happy to make, it's not fair on anyone for you to make it.
  Whilst I couldn't imagine not having a dog I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If you don't want a dog. You shouldn't be forced into having one.
• I can't see your marriage surviving if you got a dog. To take on a new member of the family and essentially banish it straight away is cruel. I wouldn't be surprised if your husband and children lose incredible amounts of respect for you.
• Get a cat.
  They are less stupid and more independent.
  You;ve already made the decision that you don't want a dog (hence inventing really bad "rules"), so post number 2 has the best advice.
• Don't get a dog. I have one and it took two years for him to grow into a non-chewing thing and that was with puppy school, endless walks etc. My (now ex) partner wanted their own dog but I didn't think she'd put the time and effort in to training it. She got the dog anyway and then did nothing with it. So we ended up with an anxious, untrained, nightmare of a dog - which is exactly what I'd predicted.
  Don't get a dog.
• I think I'd agree with the other saying not to get one. It sounds like you've had a dog before, and aren't against them, but it definitely sounds like you are really compromising to allow one.
  I don't think there is anything wrong with the boundaries you are setting, but there aren't any guarantees it will work out that way.
  Ultimately, when you take a dog on, you need to be prepared to adapt your life for a while to do what's needed to ensure it is well balanced. Without the willingness to be flexible, it could mean you all have an unhappy experience.
  By the way, I actually think you sound like you would actually be a good owner. You are seriously thinking through the practicalities, and thinking through what it will mean to your household rather than making an emotional decision. But if you aren't getting the warm fuzzies, don't do it. It's kinder to not have a dog at all than to have to put one through re-homing.
  Well done for an honest post.
• I too don't think you should get a dog. I think your rules are pretty ok - my dogs are allowed on the settees but are not allowed upstairs (have a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs). I know plenty of people whose dogs are not allowed on the settees and it is easy enough to train.
  Me and OH have had dogs all our married life (over 30 years) and I couldn't imagine being without one BUT they do restrict your life. If we want to go out for more than 4 hours we have to arrange for someone to come round, check on the dogs, let them in the garden, have a play with them etc. Holidays mean they go to a dog boarder (neither of us like kennels) and that costs a minimum of Ј20 per day per dog which works out quite expensive. If you want to holiday with your dog you will find probably the majority of holiday lets, B&B's, hotels etc don't allow dogs or want to charge extra for them. Travelodge used to take dogs for free but they now charge Ј20 PER dog per night which is ridiculous. I got a cheap room for Ј19 a night for me and OH and then had to pay another Ј20 for the dog!
  I love walking my dogs but it's not that much fun in the winter getting back with you and the dog looking like you have just stepped out of the shower and then having to deal with getting yourself dry and into different clothes and dealing with a soaked dog that wants to shake itself in the house to dry!
  I would also add that some dogs are just much much more difficult to train than others. With other 13 dogs of the same breed (most rescues) I thought I was pretty good at training them to be clean in the house, walk nicely on a lead etc. The two dogs I have now is one who is almost 3 years old (got him at 9 weeks) and was housetrained in 3 days, walks nicely, is well behaved, has never chewed anything he shouldn't, has learned sit, down, over, shake paws, high5.
  The second dog will be 2 in May. We got him at 7 months as a rescue and he had already had 4 homes. He wasn't house trained and it took probably 2 months to teach him (he still has the occasional accident although thankfully it is rare). He chews absolutely everything in sight. He has chewed furniture, destroyed quite a few of my house plants, chewed the tv remote, my mobile phone etc etc (the list is very long!). You cannot leave anything for even a second or he will have it and destroy it.
  I still haven't managed to train him to walk nicely on a lead and think I am going to have to pay for a trainer to come out to us. I did take him to classes (which I have never done with any other dog) and in the end they told me I was wasting my time. I haven't managed to teach him anything, not even to sit.
  If I want to nip to the loo or make myself a cup of tea I have to put him in his crate (which he hates) as he will howl, throw himself at the baby gate (our stairs go off our living room) and often knock the gate down or destroy or chew something.
  To be totally honest he drives me mad although I wouldn't get rid of him. A year down the line and the only thing that has improved with his behaviour is that he is, on the whole, housetrained.
  I would suggest to your husband that he looks at "borrow my doggy"