Struggling and no one to turn to.

A question about : Struggling and no one to turn to.

I don't really know where to start with this post.

I am married with 4 children. My husband suffers with mental health problems (OCD, including anxiety and depression)and I can't cope with it any more. I am on the verge of leaving him but if at all possible I don't want to.

He hasn't worked in 9 years, apart from a few months last year which he only did as an alternative to 3 months signing on for JSA. He says he can't cope with the stress, he gets angry and falls out with people a lot. Work colleagues but mainly the managers etc..

I feel like a prisoner as he has anxiety attacks if I am out the house. This means I can't go out very often and when I do, out of necessity, I feel panicked to get home. He also causes arguments if I am due to go out, so that I won't go. I never see friends or family unless he comes too. Due to him not being in work we are together 24/7. He does all the running about dropping kids off at their clubs and school etc. He won't allow me to as he thinks I am going to die and he will be left with the kids.

We have been together 20 years and it has been like this to varying degrees throughout our relationship. There have been times where he hasn't been anywhere near as bad but for the latter half of the 20 years he seems to have got progressively worse...

He blames everyone else, and circumstances for him getting worse.. it all just feels to me like a ploy to control me and keep me prisoner.. I need help to break this cycle so we can live a 'normal' life.

I don't need people telling me to leave him as I am already planning on doing this if there is no way to change the situation.

He has had CBT and he is on medication. He has reduced his medication, with the doctors consent, as he says he is feeling a lot better than when he went on it. He says it was turning him into a zombie..

All I want is to be free to visit friends and family on my own and to just go off shopping or whatever without him falling to pieces and us having a big row. These rows in the past have led to him almost cutting his wrists...

I am thinking of phoning the samaritans or visiting the gp's but he thinks he is a lot better and it is me that has the problem. He doesn't see why I would ever want to go out on my own.. Although he does also admit that he can't cope with me going out etc.. so although he tries to turn it around to me he knows it is his problem that is causing the arguments..

Sorry if it is garbled. I don't know who to turn to x

Best answers:

• Would he go back to gp and ask them to change medication. His medication is clearly not working.
  Is he invovled with a community mental health team if not ask gp to refer, they can help your family through out this diffcult time.
• I'm not sure I'm going to be a lot of help but didn't want to read and run.
  Firstly I think you have done extremely well to keep everything together for so long. It sounds as though you have put up with the situation for an easy life but that it has now, completely understandably, got to breaking point.
  If you haven't got friends or family to offer you support then do call the Samaritans. I did a course with them last year and was very impressed with the way they work and support they give.
  Secondly as the problem is your husband's perception of how your relationship should work, would he consider marriage guidance or couples counselling? Does he realise how close you are to calling time on his relationship.
  I'm no expert but the smaller his world has got, ie you and the children, the more he probably he frightened of losing it, hence the irrational fear of something happening to you. If he can't won't work with others would he consider volunteering where he was under less pressure which might give him another outlet to focus on and you some much needed space?
• Does he even accept that he has a problem? or is it everyone else's fault (as often the case with people who can't or won't take responsibility for their own lives)? He's got a choice, - get some serious help, (not just a token course of tablets from the GP) or lose his family.
  Don't give in to his emotional blackmail, hard though it may be. You say he 'almost' cut his wrists? Would he actually do that, and risk being sectioned under the Mental Health Act, or is it a means to get you to do as he wants..
• Regarding your worry that his attacks, attitude and avoidance of employment, etc, are ways of controlling you.
  Have a quick browse of the Womens Aid website. They also have a section providing advice to women considering leaving their partner as it's the most vulnerable time for them, I think it's covered under the 'survivors handbook'. They have a forum there, too.
  I am not saying that you are abused, just that their website does have some information about relationships that get very unbalanced that may be generally helpful to you. It also provides practical advice to women, steps to take when considering leaving their partner.
  Many people think domestic abuse has to involve violence for it to be 'real' abuse but actually, many women end up being financially and emotionally controlled by someone who could choose to be loving, affectionate and respectful but isn't, and doesn't accept any responsibility for making their partner deeply unhappy. There is no excuse.
  https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic...estic+violence
  The following has a section about whether mental illness can excuse domestic abuse. No, it doesn't.
  https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic...estic+violence
• OP it sounds awful for you and must be affecting your children also. It really isn't healthy for you all to be together 24 hrs a day.
  If your DH is adamant that it is you that has a problem, how about getting yourself some counselling? it would give you a chance to talk through all your issues with someone who can help you gain some perspective, and will also give you some time alone?
  Could you not get a job (even part time?), could you suggest that you are doing it to take the pressure off him getting one?
  Have you told him that his behaviour is making you ill? if not, tell him, give him a chance to seek help for himself too, as he really needs to break this cycle. It reads from your post that he was in employment 9 years ago, what changed to make him want to be at home?
  Also, your husband threats are abusive (been there), but only he (and you?) would know if he would genuinely carry these out?, if you think they are just threats then I would try not to be blackmailed by them, if you think he would, then ensure that if you are going out that you contact your GP/Mental Health Team to advise of his threat. But you really need to stop allowing him to hold you (and your kids) to ransom.
  I truly hope you can gain some peace and freedom.
• whatever happens, it is clear that you do need some time on your own or with someone else you can off load onto. Definitely refer yourself to your GP for counselling or get it privately. You have lasted 20 years, so it may take some time to get back into a manageable situation. HTh
• You need outside assistance, contact your local Carers organisation about arranging respite help.
• It seems that the situation has reached the point of no turning back. You need to be totally honest with him and he needs to face the fact that he has two choices, either losing you for good, or losing you for a few hours at a time being reassured that in all likelihood, you will be back. Sounds like a no-brainer, but then he needs to really believe that it is that or losing you, so you need to make it clear to him whatever threats he makes.
• Thank you all so much I actually feel so overwhelmed by all you replies I am close to tears.
  I will reply to some of your questions in the next post or so and quote relevant bits.
  This is the first time I have ever told anyone about this. I have always put on a brave face as I didn't want anyone judging him (or me).
• One thing I will say about mental health problems, is that the person always thinks it is everyone else that has the problem ( I myself suffer from mental health problems.)
  Not sure what to say, other than the fact you need to sit down and have a very candid discussion with him, people with mental health issues need a certain approach, so stay calm, write it all down if that helps first, then talk to him.
  It is a challenge living with someone that has MH problems, I know I am difficult at the best of times, but it can get better with the right help and with the person's cooperation. Don't make any rash decisions, especially if you don't really want to leave.
• Can't add anything to what has been said hun, as you have been given some cracking advice already, but I want to reach out and hug you!
  You (and he) need some serious professional help. I would start with the doctor.
  I am sorry I have nothing else to say, but I feel painfully sorry for you and wish you happiness and good health and peace.
  I hope it will all be OK soon, and that you (and he) get the help you need. This situation cannot go on.
• Hi, sorry to read about these troubles. Has your husband ever had a social worker? If so it may be with contacting them. Alternatively there is MIND.. They are really helpful even if you haven't contacted then before, or the local mental health team. There are also groups for carers now and changes to the law in April may mean you get more help.
  Reach out, get help and stay strong.
• I wonder if he would be easier in his mind if you carried a GPS locator for a while? It would be a loss of your privacy, but perhaps worth it if it led to an increase in freedom to go out.
  Have any of the medical professionals seen him having the anxiety attacks when you leave? I wonder if this would get him more help?