09 Mar 2015

A question about : Separation advice

We are not married, but have 2 kids around 10 years old. We've got house in her name, she wants me to move out and keep the kids and the house and expects me to continue paying the mortgage - which I have paid for over 10 years. (My total contribution to the house is equal hers.)

My guilt is allowing her to walk over me right now and I have no fight left. This relationship has gone wrong because of me.

The house is worth a lot of money but I wouldn't want to move the kids anyway. So, I need to move out for both of our sanities. Both of us feel ill with our situation.

I'm expected to have to do all the running around as usual with the kids - which I don't mind, but it hurts me not to be in the same house and she gets everything - kids & the house.

I have some money behind me, but not enough to live in a place like our home…I will probably be depressed as hell in a flat, knowing that I have been shafted because of my guilt.

What rights do I have?

Also, it is a difficult time - I want to coach my kids through their 11+. She's even talking about me using my money to pay for private school fees! That can't happen if she has me living in a flat, paying extortionate rent and her mortgage.

What a great door I've left open for some other guy to come in and take on!

Any helpful advice would be great, thanks

Best answers:

  • As you are not married and you are not named on deeds of house or mortgage then you will need a very good lawyer to fight for a share of the house.
    Check the CSA website for how much child maintenance you should be paying and then thats it. Your not bound to pay school fees etc unless you choose to.
  • She can "tell you" what you have to pay, all she likes, but the reality is all you legally have to pay is CSA maintenance rates (if you want to pay more than this, that's up to you), which for 2 kids will be around 20% of your income, less if you have them one night a week or more. Look at the online calculators for details.
    Remind her she may be entitled to tax credits if she earns under 26k.
    I would move out, get yourself a flat, or small house, pay her CSA rates and try to amicably arrange joint custody for the kids. If she doesn't play ball, you can take her to court and self represent (or use a McKenzies friend), there is no need for an expensive lawyer.
    In the mean time, try to keep as involved with the kids as much as you can, if you take a temporary step back (no matter how well meaning), it may be hard to get back again.
    If she expects you to keep maintaining her home / lifestyle while you pay for your own place, she's living in cloud cuckoo land. It's simple maths that you can't magically afford to pay for an extra household.
  • I want to stay away from the emotional input on this site - so, I am keeping the reasons for my guilt private. I just did not know what my rights are…
    I've done the CSA and it looks as though I will not pay much at all and I will happily pay more than what they recommend.
    Trouble is, we don't earn very much at all. In fact we both get tax credits - so, that is something we will have to factor in - we'll probably get less living separately.
    Asset rich, income relatively poor...
  • Ok so I'm guessing you've done something that has really hurt your wife hence your guilt and her demanding all this stuff from you.
    That aside, as before your "rights" are all you legally have to pay is CSA. Assets wise you'd be best to see a solicitor. But your wife seems pretty angry so I don't imagine it will be plain sailing.
  • My mate lost half his flat to his ex-despite everything being in his name and not being married. She claimed contribution to the assets so there might be a point in dividing things up. Sure a lawyer could advise.
    Essentially, make sure you stop paying the mortgage and start paying her the CSA money direct. Just in case there are any questions later about you not actually paying it when you have been....
  • Only one of you will be able to claim tax credits for the children, more then likely her if they are with her more often and she claims the child benefit.
    You may be able to claim Working Tax Credits to boost your income as a single person
  • I already get the working tax credit element and she gets child tax credit as well as child benefit.
    Any idea how I find out (without calling them up) what the impact on our finances will be if we do split? It has got really complicated tax credits, hasn't it?
  • As Shoe*Diva has said, you will need to cancel the joint claim and submit two single ones. Only one of you can claim the child tax credits (presumably the children's mother, if she will be the main carer).
    As a single person with no children living with you, you should be able to claim WTC's, and possibly council tax benefit / housing benefit, if you earn under a certain amount. Off the top of my head I think it's about Ј13.5k? Check the turn to us benefits calculator for an idea of what you might be entitled to.
  • http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/fam...328.1386692336
    Put in the figures as if you were renting your own place.
    You can also work out what your ex will be able to claim. Any child maintenance from you will be on top of the benefits.
  • Have you got Parental Responsibility for the children?
  • Thank you so much for the link to Entitled to. That will come in useful for when we need to work out how the split will affect what we currently get.
    We are dealing with it very much with the children in mind