26 Feb 2015

A question about : New jokes urgently required!

C'mon, folks, lets have your best, (or worst joke,) we all need something to read and laugh about now the clocks have gone back!

Best answers:

  • What's brown and sticky?...
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    A stick
  • Whats big, red and stands in a corner????
    A naughty bus hehehehe
  • whats big, red and lies in the gutter???
    A dead bus!!
  • Any more guys?
  • For all the owners of chav teenagers.....
    "What do you call a chav in a microwave??"
    Ding!! (say that hi pitched if you want it to be realistic!)
  • Hahahahaha
  • why did the skeleton burp?
    because he did not have the guts to fart.
  • What's big and green, and sits crying in the corner?
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    The Incredible Sulk
    Bad I know.
  • Man phones his mate.
    He says...I got this cat and its tearing the place apart...I gotta get rid of it....Its ripping curtains carpets everything...I gotta get rid.
    His mate says..take it to the next town and let it out of the car...someone will feed it and you'll never see it again.
    He gets a phone call the next day...its his mate.
    The bloomin cat came back ! ...found its way back...I gotta get rid of this cat..tearing me place apart !
    He says...put the cat in the car and take it out of town. put it in the boot ..so it doesnt take notes ! Drive for 40 miles north..over the toll bridge and take it to the next city..let it out and someone will feed it...you'll never see it again.
    His mate rings him next day.
    The cat came back ! Its found its way back along the busiest motorway in the country..even paid the toll on the bridge...I gotta get rid of this cat.
    He says...put the cat in a box...hire a small aeroplane..head north by northwest for 500 miles...parachute out...when you land the'll be a 4x4 waiting......drive for 50miles along the dusty road for 40klms...you'll come to a river...get in the canoe waiting and paddle downstream til you come to a clearing...get out and abseil down 300 ft of rocks to the bottom...there's a cave there..put the cat in the cave.....IT'LL NEVER COME BACK !
    He rang his mate the next day and said...did you get rid of it...?
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    His mate said .........no
    how come ?
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    If it hadn't have been for the cat......I'd never of found me way home !!
    rob
  • Posted this the other day on another thread -
    A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
    The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
    The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

    INSERT BY MARTIN

    Man walks into a pub with the M4 under his arm, he says "i'll have one for me, and one for the road"
  • A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six", inspite of her objections.
    One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
    At the top of his voice, he shouts across the room "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back...
    "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
  • Modigliani walks into a pub.
    The barman says: "why the long face?"
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    I just made this up. Help me!
  • Whats Pink and Fluffy
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    Pink Fluff
  • There was not a single reply to my 'naughty' joke from a week ago, I am not suggesting anything over the top, but surely we are adults on here?
    Of course it is possible my joke was rubbish!
  • what fruit could you get elecrotuted by?
    an electric currant!
    oh so old
  • A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about the baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins. A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name. Guess i was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
  • Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
    Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Now go away." -- and shuts the door in his face.
    The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, you've got the wrong bloke I don't want them!", then slams the door in his face again.
    The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car windscreens.
    Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Why do you want to give these to me?" The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
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    "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
  • A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
    The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
    A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
    The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
    The Monkey looks down and says;
    "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did you drink?!!"
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