25 Feb 2015

A question about : Mental Health, Money & Me (And maybe you, too)

Prepare yourself for a lengthy post of about 2,200 words; if you or anyone you know or care for is mentally ill, you might find it useful. If you're not, you might glean some insight into the additional challenges of both a carer and a sufferer of mental health problems.

Hi all,

This post is long, and I'm not going to apologise for writing it. Do me one courtesy though, if you're not going to read it start to finish, please don't bother posting.

Starting at the beginning (ish), I first met my partner in the summer of 2007 at University; the years between then and 2011 have enough rough patches for me to write two or three memoirs, and I won't detail my tribulations here. The (first go at) relationship was short-lived as unbeknownst to anyone my partner had many undiagnosed mental health issues and due to being a gorgeous, desirable, 1st-with-Merit-student & post-graduate practice in a Business field kind of person, the stuff going on under the surface remained largely invisible.

The break-up was abrupt and confusing. A few more attempts were made but ultimately we remained out of contact for nearly 3 years.

Fast forwarding to late 2011, I was contacted by her and despite all the bad-feeling I decided life was too short and we met up again.

She had at that point racked up about Ј3,500 in debt (piffling amount compared to many) and was basically tying up loose ends. She had decided to kill herself.

Now this had nothing to do with money and everything to do with multiple (still undiagnosed) mental health issues, but allow me to make one thing completely transparent: she had every intention of ending her life. She had a location, method -- a plan. This only came out later and was absolutely not a cry for help as she hadn't mentioned it until I became her carer.

Now I'm getting ahead of myself.

I was working for the NHS in a Sexual Health clinic at the time we re-contacted and I was living at my parents home in my early twenties and was incredibly unhappy.

We were still single at the time, but my partner offered for me to move in with her and I seized upon the opportunity for freedom and independence.

I had no idea the turn that life would take shortly afterwards. My partner abruptly quit her high-flying, hard to come by job for a prominent company in London. Just like that, no plan for the future, barely enough money to cover 2 months of rent at the converted warehouse we lived in, in Harringay.

I still wasn't too concerned, but as the weeks went on, my partner was spending the majority of her time sleeping or despondent in bed, culminating in spending Christmas Day alone, in bed.

In the first week of January 2012 she had a breakdown and we ended up at the crisis mental health team. They were unsympathetic and not appropriate for our needs, dealing as they did with violent psychopaths.

Finally months later, after a trip to a crisis center (kind of like a hostel-come-suicide-watch) the agonising wait for IAPT to give us an assessment was over and the various diagnoses came in.

I was at this point now working Part-time in another hospital to be able to look after my partner whom at this point was having trouble clothing, feeding and washing herself; you know it's love if you're willing to brush their teeth for them, that's my assessment.

At this point, I was paying for everything and we were having trouble accessing benefits as where we were living was a dodgy converted warehouse off of Seven Sisters Road, not registered properly. The property was a death-trap, my parents were horrified.

Money began to dwindle as charges on my partner's account began to snowball and demands started to come in through the door.

Thus began the lengthy process of contacting NatWest to tell them about our situation, explain where we were at and attempt to get things under control.

It occurs to me to mention the contentious issue of my partner's credit card; she went into NatWest looking for an extension on her overdraft but was turned down and pressured into applying for a credit card instead. She was given no literature about debt management, no explanation of terms was given either. She had no idea that drawing cash with a credit card soon becomes very expensive.

This example of typical irresponsible lending aside, my partners student account had converted over to a regular account and was snowballing out of control.

I had my own account to attend to that I'd been in the red in for nearly 5 years, now falling to the way side as we fought for survival.

We got a joint bank account with a bank we had no debt with, Halifax in this case, and through Stepchange (and a great many letters) arranged to make payments. One memorable incident was being told that the money assessment we had filled out was likely to be dismissed by our banks as the figure we gave for our groceries was too low. We were told that we would have to increase the figure or the banks were unlikely to agree.

It's awfully depressing to have to lie that you spend Ј30 a week on shopping whilst you suffer, malnourished on Ј4 per week. We lived like this for more than 3 months.

With the help of my family and friends (without whom I am nothing, and I'm grateful to them all) we moved from Harringay to Walthamstow.

After 6 months with no treatment, we were told we were on a new waiting list, at the bottom in Waltham Forest. We were devastated; shortly before we left Harringay we had finally got my partner a placement in therapy which we could no longer attend being out of the borough. The doctor even said he would write to WF MHT so we wouldn't have to be on any lists. Little did we know at that point it would be an entire year before my partner was treated.

Finally being in real accommodation (so we thought) we applied for benefits and were successful. The landlord clocked the letter was from the council immediately and asked us to open it in front of him. Turns out he hadn't registered the property properly and hadn't paid council tax in 25 years (despite this being included in rent, signed and dated contract).

I took on a new job in the hospital, clinical role, full-time. It was incredibly draining, but the money was finally giving us a standard of living. I was still caring for my partner, so really I was at work seven days a week, every waking hour.

My partner's condition became worse; whilst I was at work she was alone at home unable to look after herself and still not receiving mental health treatment.

I had to quit my job. I was finally a full-time, unpaid carer. My partner's condition didn't gain me the pittance that is carers' allowance, but by doing a lot of research (credit here too to MSE for their info) we managed to get the benefits we were entitled to.

The months plodded on and tiny slivers were shaved off the debt until finally in summer of 2013, my partner got placed in real appropriate therapy, worked hard, completed the course of treatment and began reducing her medication.

It was a new day and we were finally making progress.

It was tragically short-lived.

The council demanded immediate payment of our council tax for the last year. They didn't care that the landlord had lied to us, or lied to them. In their eyes, we hadn't paid so it was time to cough up.

We had no legal recourse and through an awful lot of hard work (and shattered nerves) we managed to come to an arrangement with WF Council shortly before we were made homeless as a result of paying the back-dated tax.

With our money completely derailed there was no way we could afford to stay where we were.

Once again, I can never thank my parents enough for all the support they've given me in my life; they took us in with no hesitation at all, even relief.

It is nevertheless supremely depressing to strike out with the best of intentions, to take on a responsibility for another person's life only to be beaten down by life and end up back at your parent's house.

Whilst it felt like defeat, we soldiered on, actively looking for work, my partner even managing very short-lived stints in a shop or two, but she wasn't (and still isn't) ready for work, and lasted only days.

We searched and planned and dreamed of a new life. I finally found the perfect job, a mere 200 miles away in Somerset. I went to the interview and trial day (800 mile round trip from just those two days). I had to be sure this was perfect, that it was all according to plan.

I was very concerned about losing the agents fee if we were turned down at the credit check and to my surprise, my credit rating turned out to be pretty much the UK average.

So in summer 2014 we took the plunge and with more help we secured our modestly priced letting, and moved.

As ever, without my network of generous friends and family we could never have moved.

But...

You guessed it. It went to pot immediately. The company I was working for I will not name, and I can't even bring myself to mention it. The owner lied from the beginning, claiming he was hiring to expand his bursting at the seams enterprise and a check on his company revealed that he had never turned a profit.

This wasn't why it fell apart, the reason was because he was an oppressive, sociopathic bully.

I suffered a breakdown of my own.

I felt lost, I felt that I had failed my partner, my friends and family, everyone who'd helped us and believed in us.

As ever, our money was messed with and it narrowly avoided becoming a court matter.

I was finally given a diagnosis of mental illness myself. Whether it was underlying or a result of 3 years of feeling like Atlas with the world on his shoulders, I had broken under the failure of our move and I was now mentally ill, too.

Money problems never stop, and without my partner taking over the budgeting, I think we would be in financial ruin.

Another tool that has proved indispensable has been our 30% apr, Ј200 limit Capital One card. Don't laugh, you've got to start somewhere. When we moved in, I decided it would be prudent to capitalise on my good credit and turn it into great credit.

Dear lord, what a difference that little card has made. It occurs to me now to point something out; I'm no scrounger. I pay my taxes and I shut down my claims when I am in work to the letter of the law. I've never missed a rent payment or an electricity bill. I've paid on-time and gone hungry to keep us housed. That little black card has made the difference in what previously would have been a toss-up between bills and food money.

But then HSBC came a-knocking. They didn't care about the Step Change agreement, they wanted more money, right now.

So I got out my pencil and some lined paper and I spoke to HSBC frankly and honestly about exactly how I live my life. If anyone is interested, I will post the letter (speaking of which, is anyone still reading? This post is huge!)

HSBC contacted me in a manner that was completely at odds with their usual cold, detached requests for money. The letters were respectful, polite, and informed me I had been referred to a specialist team within the HSBC.

Interesting. I contacted these people, on an honest to goodness landline number no less, and they were clearly well-trained.

They understood that people do have problems and they wanted to help.

They sent me a form to fill out and assess my outgoings which I filled out and returned.

A week or two passed.

Then, In quick succession two more letters came through my door. The first one was heart-breaking, it was a final demand, using all the terms no-one wants to hear like 'default' and 'debt collection agency'.

I was incredibly bitter about this, after pouring out personal details about my life to an uncaring MNC it felt like they'd spat in my face.

But then the second letter came through;

They wrote the debt off. I was confused, cautiously optimistic and desperate to find out more. I contacted the specialist team and I was thrilled. They apologised for the letters demanding more money I'd received, explaining these were automated as was the final demand.

They confirmed that I was to disregard the default notice and that my debt was written off. They even confirmed it by letter.

I am now debt-free. At what cost, I'm not sure; my credit rating has been mauled by several mistakes on my credit file that I am in the process of rectifying, so when the dust has settled, I'll be having another look at the score.

It's easy to say Just call up the bank or Just write them a letter. You have to be able to do it and mentally ill people are already at the disadvantage of feeling hopeless, unsupported and powerless.

My advice to anyone reading this, is this; don't be afraid to tell people that you're mentally ill. I know people have prejudices and preconceptions. I still can't shake the inherent feelings of guilt and taboo that British culture engenders towards mental health, and I'm a mentally ill carer of someone who's mentally ill! It won't change overnight but the more you do it, the more people you tell, the easier your life will become.

What's the worst that can happen? I got Ј1.5k written off.

Thanks for reading.

Argan

Best answers:

  • I'm pleased that you had some good news from the bank. You are a very brave and caring person an have tried so hard to help your girlfriend and never given in. You deserve for things to improe. Best whishes.
  • What fantastic account showing that there is hope. I wonder why it's not easier to get in touch with these teams that are human and appear to be in the 'inner sanctum' of large organisations. I understand that it is only very few cases, such as yours, that deserve to be referred to them.
    I hope that you are keeping yourself well, and I hope that now you have a huge load lifted you can continue with renewed energy to help your partner back into a better place.
  • Argan,
    Your post made me hopeful, sad, dispairing and joyful in all 2,200 words. I read it and felt the tug of personal experience flooding in.
    Both my husband and I suffer mental health issues and sometimes things get bad but you guys have really been through the mill.
    You have accomplished so much together and supporting someone with their own illness is so hard especially when suddenly you realise you have forgotten your own demons and suddenly they are there bearing down on you like an anvil.
    Sounds like you have been given a well deserved break. Grab it with both hands and don't look back.
  • A very interesting post. I wish you and your girlfriend every happiness going forward and hope your lives will settle down in time.
  • A heartfelt post, and this is a genuine thought, maybe you could turn it into a self published book for others as your experiences will be invaluable to others. There must be some reason life put you through all these trials.
    Congratulations on being DFD. Long may it last.
  • Hi Argan
    What a great read. It's a shame not all people are as kind and caring as you. To stand by someone with mental health is extremely hard. Most people just don't understand.
    All the best for you two. I hope the tables have finally turned and things begin to look up
    Xx
  • Well done. Good luck and keep fighting.
  • Thank you for posting. You have both been through so much and I sincerely hope your lives improve. Best wishes.
  • An interesting and informative OP,mental illness is more common than any of us realise and its effects more diverse than we can imagine
    I wish you both well for the future,as my mum always says its usually darkest before the dawn
    good luck x
  • Just read your post and wanted to say well done for posting. I know its not easy to talk about mental illness as my husband suffers with it and other illnesses. I know he wouldnt like that I am posting this now as there is still such a big stigma about mental illness. We have gone from him having a well paid job to him not being able to work due to his ongoing problems, which has led to the decisions we have had to make recently as we are never going to be able to repay his debt.
    But I still have my husband and like you say with help and support from family and close friends things will get better and all you can do is manage the situation and be there for your partner. But make sure you look after yourself as well, because it is so easy to neglect your own wellbeing when you are looking after the person you care about. Take Care
  • Thank you for positing, you have been on a long and really deserved something good to happen. It's great that the bank has written off the debt, there is hope after all.
    You are phenomenal person, dedicating your life to looking after your partner, not many people would do it.
    Wishing you all the best for the future and hope your partner is getting better and is able to work from time to time
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