Ј100 for the funniest joke about money!

A question about : Ј100 for the funniest joke about money!

This contest is now closed. There are so many entries it's taken longer than expected to shortlist so it'll now be in next week's poll (which'll be up on the main site 27/28 Feb 06)

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It's February, its cold and dark. So I thought we'd have some cheering up. I want to know your funniest money or MoneySaving jokes. The only stipulation is they must be less than a paragraph and not (too) rude.

How it'll be judged.

The winners will be shortlisted by the humour-mongers in MoneySaving towers and then there'll be a site poll for the winning joke. As a subtle hint, if you take a look at the poll you'll see there isn't much space so we're biased towards shorter ones. Though if your joke is funny and longer, why not put it in anyway.

Last jokes to be submitted by 20 February

Terms and Conditions: Members of the MoneySaving Towers team are not eligible to enter this competition. Luckily very of few of them have a sense of humour anyway so its not a big problem.

Best answers:

• heres one that made me smile
  A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
  She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
  .....
  He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
• A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."
  "Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.
  "A billionaire."
• A man walks into a bar looking sad. The barman says, "You look like you need a drink". The man replies, "That's the problem - I can't drink with what I've got". Concerned, the barman asks, "Oh no, what have you got?". The man replies, "10p".
• one more and thats it
  A journalist and a programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The journalist leans over to the programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
  The journalist persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me Ј5. Then, you ask me a question. If I don't know the answer, I'll pay you Ј5."
  Again, the programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The journalist by now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me Ј5 and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you Ј50!"
  This catches the programmer's attention and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The journalist asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
  The programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a Ј5 bill and hands it to the journalist. Now, it's the programmer's turn. He asks the journalist, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
  The journalist looks at him, puzzled. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends email to all of his colleagues -- all to no avail.
  After about an hour, he wakes the programmer and hands him Ј50. The programmer politely takes the Ј50 and turns away, to try to get back to sleep.
  The journalist, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"
  Without a word, the programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the journalist Ј5 and turns away, to get back to sleep.
• Scotsmen aren't tight.
  It's just a story we made up to stop people asking us for money!
• I won a joke competition when i was 5 with this :
  Q- Why did the boy eat his cash?
  A- because it was his dinner money !
• Credit Card Applications
  So you have received a credit card application? You know what it says, but do know what it really means?
  What it says: "You have demonstrated financial responsibility..."
  What it means: You're breathing!
  What it says: "Our membership is difficult to obtain..."
  What it means: Death row prisoners are not eligible... in most states!
  What it says: "We have shortened the application process..."
  What it means: "We need lots of new members fast or we'll go out of business!"
  What it says: "You have no predetermined credit limit..."
  What it means: "We're not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency."
  What it says: "Exceptional Customer Service..."
  What it means: Except when you need it!
  What it says: "Trained customer representatives await your call..."
  What it means: "This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?"
  What it says: "To apply for membership, fill out this short form..."
  What it means: You'll get the long form later.
  What it says: "You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else..."
  What it means: "Catch us, if you can!"
  What it says: "We look forward to receiving your completed application..."
  What it means: "We baited the hook, let's see if anyone bites!"
  What it says: "You've been pre-approved..."
  What it means: "You've been pre-approved to be Rejected!" or "We've already prepared your letter of denial."
• Wasn't copper wire invented by two Scotsman fighting over a penny?
• This is my favourite:
  What did the cod say to the loan shark?
  "There's that sick squid I owed you."
• Today's Stock Market Report
  Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
  Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
  Knives were up sharply.
  Cows steered into a bull market.
  Pencils lost a few points.
  Hiking equipment was trailing.
  Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
  Weights were up in heavy trading.
  Light switches were off.
  Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
  Diapers remained unchanged.
  Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
  The market for raisins dried up.
  Coca-Cola fizzled.
  Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
  Sun peaked at midday.
  Balloon prices were inflated.
  Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
  Birds Eye Peas Split.
  Stanley Tools filed for Chapter 11.
  And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
• What do you call a rich bear?
  Winnie the Pools
  Flea
• Obviously not an entry as we are not allowed but...
  A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
  As the Barman walks away to make it, he hears a voice - "That's a very nice shirt you're wearing today". Confused, he looks around and can't see anyone, so assumes it must have been his mind playing tricks and waits for his drink.
  As the barman returns, he sips on his beer and, once again, hears the quiet voice-
  "Ooh, I do like what you've done with your hair today". Perplexed, he searches around, but yet again to no avail. Then it spoke up for a third time - "I must say, you really do look as if you've been working out too".
  This was the final straw, and the man, frustrated, calls the barman over and asks him if he knows whats going on. Straight away the barman points to a bowl on the counter, full of bar snacks.
  "Don't worry about it mate" he said - "it's just the complimentary peanuts"
  Groan
• A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
  The old guy said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last 5p.
  "I invested that 5p in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10p.
  "The next morning, I invested that 10p in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20p. I continued this system for a while, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of Ј14.00."
  "And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
  "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million pounds ."
• What do you see when the Pilsbury Dough boy bends over??
  His Dough Nuts!
• Q. what do you call a penny that goes nee naw nee naw?
  A. A copper
• One day a frog went to the teller at the bank.
  The frog noticed that the nametag on the teller's shirt red "Pat Whack". The teller asks who he is. The frog says he is McJaggert's son.
  The frog said he like to take out a Ј10,000 loan. She replied, "that is alot of money, what have you got for collateral?
  The frog handed her a little plastic pig. Pat Whack asks the frog what is. The frog said, "I dont know".
  Pat Whack goes to talk to her manager. Pat Whack said to her manager a frog wants to take out a loan for Ј10,000 and use this as collateral.
  What is this?.... Her manager replies...... its a nic-nac Patty Whack give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone!
  ...........I'll get my coat....
• Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that Ј20 I owe you," he says.
• Q: Why did the Irish name their currency the "punt"?
  A: Because it rhymes with "bank manager".
• Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the sweet shop to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity," said the shopkeeper.
  "No, I'll buy the chocolate," said Johnny. "YOU give the money to charity!"