09 Mar 2015

A question about : Getting Your Other Half On Board

Simple question really, how have/did you all manage to do it??

If the wife goes for milk and bread to the supermarket, she manages to spend Ј15-Ј20 on other stuff, whereas if I go, it's like I have blinkers on and can only see the bread aisle and the milk aisle title=ROTFL

It's not just a simple case of me doing the supermarket runs as there is other spends too, just using the milk as an example.

I've tried the quiet word, the shouting on, sitting her down and looking at figures, getting her to look on here, and nothing seems to work.

So how did you manage to convince your OH that unnecessary spending needs to stop??



Best answers:

  • Lock up the cards and only take the cash needed for the purchases needed?
    Sounds like youre volunteering to do all the shopping though
    Just do online food shops?
  • I took all the cards and they are given out for a specific purpose and a receipt is required. All hell breaks loose if something that was not on the list was purchased unless it can be justified.
    Unfortunately, you can only lead a horse to water....the OH has to be on board or it doesn't work. It was a struggle, but he had his lightbulb moment when I went spare one month because he had spent Ј850 on 'groceries' and I showed him the calculations proving it. He decided on his own that this was the best way to handle things and that his custody of the houscard was driving us to ruin as well as my own profligate efforts.
  • Yep, Cash is the best way. Thats the problem with mini shops you go in for 3 things and come out with a dozen. Very guilty of having done this myself! I like the Fire Wyrm idea! Try totting it all up! I think once you equate it to how much has been spent on non essential items she may see how much is being spent out that could go on debts
  • Have you tried asking her why she has done this when she returns from the shop? Tell her thats it's Јxyz less that she can spend on clothes now (or whatever she spends on herself)
    It's a bit like talking to a child really, but if shes going to behave like one so be it.
  • Ok, try it this way.
    My receipt for bread and milk shows a total of Ј3.19. That means Ј11.81 went on other items. Right now on Debenhams website you can get Clinque foundation for around Ј21.00.
    This equates to two shopping trips!
    Please feel free to apply any formula you want. And before you ask Boots is shut so I couldn't check no7!
  • My DH must provide recipts for everything. If he spent money I would give him the spreadsheet and ask him to find the money he just spent... I would ask him 'how are we going to pay for it... you spent it... you work it out' 10 minutes looking at my spreadsheet stopped him doing it again for 6 WHOLE MONTHS!!!
    Now when he's out and about if he wants to buy extra I get a text or a call... and sometimes I say yes, sometimes I say no.
    I've not needed to get upset about his spending in years now.
    It's hard, I think you really have to talk a lot, about shared goals and aspirations.
    You are not a jailer, she has to take responsibility for her actions... take her cards, give her cash... she runs out of money... tough! When she realises that food money went on something which could have bought her a new top/shoes/handbag/make-up etc she might change.
    I once stopped my DH going shooting (his alone time) in order to pay for his overspend... That did not go down well!
  • Love this Julie!
  • It's shocking actually, how much is wasted. Over November/December, because of the Christmas period, I gave him the card, but I neglected to keep a tally. I've just reconciled and we're Ј1800 out on my estimate. This is because I didn't keep an eye on that months spending! So, first of the month, corrective amount into the spending diary and I'm in sync with the bank again. He still managed to spend Ј30 between the 1st and the 4th that I didn't authorise! Urgh! And he's relatively well trained now. It takes perseverance OP but I've found that you spend far less time going around in unproductive circles if there is only one captain steering the ship...that's the bottom line.
  • Firstly let me thank you for all the replies, much appreciated.
    Camuk81, I try this every now and again, showing her the bank statement online, showing her the 10's and 20's that have been withdrawn, but there's always an answer "Kids party", "Ran out of washing up liquid", "owed blah blah at work for flowers cos such and such is in hospital" etc etc, you get the idea. It doesn't wash with her that it's not a bottomless pit I have been partly to blame myself at times, as when she's at the supermarket at times I'd get a call saying there were 3 packs of beer for Ј20 and did I want any, and I'd usually say yes, but I've now seen the error of my ways, and said no when she texted me the other day
    I think I'm going to have to just get on to her all the time about it until she's sick of it. However, she has a very thick skin regarding things like this (even tho she's a pushover for most other things), and as stubborn and strong willed as I am, I think I'll get sick before she does
    I really don't want to take away her bank card (her only card) just yet. I understand where you're coming from with this, but we've had arguments regarding things like this in the past ("You're just trying to control me", "What am I going to work for?", "You just want to treat me like a child" etc etc). What I have said recently tho, is that once we get paid at the end of the month, I'm taking all of our spare money out of the wages, and there'll be nothing left in for using bank cards or nipping to the cash machine for a tenner out, and should anything need to be bought (birthdays, kids party presents etc), she'll have to come and see me and I'll dole out whatever's needed. This way I can keep a much better handle on what is getting spent.
    At the minute, we're not massively in debt, but most of our money goes on bills etc (as is the same with most people). But for the last 18 months, we've not really had much what I would call "play" money, where we could go out as a family for a pub meal, or me and the wife have a night out. I've tried to show her that if we curb the silly spends and use the money to hit the Visa bill, in a few months time, we can start to live our lives again. We could go out twice a month for a family meal then, and when I tell her this, her eyes light up and she agrees it's what we all need here, then the next day, maybe another Ј10 or Ј20 comes out of the bank and gets spent on rubbish
    I don't want to brainwash her into being a clone of me, just realize what we could have if we just tried a bit harder to be careful.
    I'll keep you posted.
  • Kwaker - given her comments about trying to control her etc I would instead try to get her to take shared responsibility for the money/spending.
    Do you have a spending budget for the household? if so it is in a form you could sit down and discuss with her so that you can both agree the amount you need to spend in each area? If she agrees it up front then maybe she is more likely to 'buy-in' to it?
    Could you agree together something to aim for spending wise - but only if you both stick to the budget for the next 6months (if you emphaise both rather than just saying to her she has to stick to it will that help?)
    Do you keep a written spending diary? would that help if at the end of the month you agree to both look through what you spent compared to what you had both budgeted for?
  • It must be hard. As a woman I feel that being 'controlling' is more acceptable then if I man does it.
    Tixy may have a point... a spending diary can be such a shock! maybe it'll get her on board!
  • The most annoying thing about this I suppose, is that she doesn't spend on herself. If she did, and was wandering around in brand new shoes and a wardrobe full of new gear I could understand it a bit more. Like I said earlier, it may be beer for me, or stuff for the kids, but I try to tell her that it's not necessary. There's also been sneaky buying of drink for herself that got a bit out of control, but hopefully has been sorted for a while now.
  • Perhaps starting a spreadsheet as a diary would also help. If she can buy in to that then she will understand why receipts are so important and once she starts thinking about receipts and updating the spreadsheet you cannot help but think about how much money you are spending and how quickly the budget is reducing! If you are both doing this with you 'captaining the ship', so to speak, perhaps she won't feel as though you are in control??
  • I am a guilty party in this. My spends go on I don't know what at the supermarket. This month i've given myself an allowance. Perhaps have a petty cash tin available. I must admit our spends mainly go on that nights tea, so it adds up hugely. My answers are similar, I needed it for this, that or the other. Guess it must be a source of many an arguement in many a household. I do resent that the household spending is always left down to me, especially as I find it very easy to rain it in. How about making some sort of a deal, where maby twice a month she could go in and have a Ј15/Ј20 spend. I should change supermarkets too.
  • I understand where OP is coming from (though I am usually the one who does the grocery shopping) but it's very hard to get OH on board unless you have the same goals / priorities. For example, my OH will happily spend Ј60 on a day in the pub whatching the football when only planning to spend Ј20 and come home, but won't really see why I have an issue with that. I would rather have saved that money or used it for a planned night out together. On the other hand, OH prob thinks me choosing to spend Ј60 on an item of clothing is madness.
    I would suggest (if you don't already) there is a household account for bills and budgeted items, and you each have your own pocket money account to do with as you wish. Perhaps have a change jar for things like milk and bread so it's not so easy for OH to spend Ј20 that wasn't planned.
    The key is also having OH really understand why you are 'banging' on about overspends.
    Perhaps suggest an experiment for a month - put in a jar the cash amount you normally spend on groceries in a month. Agree that milk and bread runs will be just that, and that larger shops need to be done from a list and stuck to - suggest meal planning and batch cooking would be useful too. At the end of the month see what is left - perhaps as an incentive suggest you'll take her out for a meal with the amount left?