Funny Quotes, Signs, Rules, & comments Thread

A question about : Funny Quotes, Signs, Rules, & comments Thread

I was sent this from a site user. Who knows whether they're true....but they made me laugh!

Actual Worldwide Signs

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN !!!?

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN !!!! TO THE RIGHT

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL !!!! IN TUB.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN,LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME

In a Bucharest Hotel lobby (really!):
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

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Best answers:

• Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader has similar stuff, as does a small collection of humourous things called Bog Standard. I remember a site which tried to translate into a numer of languages and back using online translators and ended up with complete gobbledegook!
• How about the sign that says:
  "Do not Throw Stones at This Sign"
  doh
• I've personally seen the following in Beijing:
  At the Ming Tombs Museum:
  "PLEASE DON'T LETTER UP" (Supposed to be LITTER!)
  "ENVIRONMENTAL SANITATION OF THE SCENIC SPOT NEEDS YOUR CONSERVE"
  "GRASSLAND - PLEASE DON'T TRAMPLE"
  "CHERISH THE CULTURAL RELIC PLEASE DON'T SCRIBBLE"
  "WELCOME TO HERE" (inside a restaurant)
  And this next to a rail line in South West London:
  "PLEASE DO NOT GRAFFITI THIS WALL" (you can guess what happened next!...)
• One Finnish hotel chain in it's fire instructions in English says if you are unable to leave your room you should stand at the window and expose yourself
  A french hotel chain said that in case of fire and you can't leave your room, you should go to the window, attract the attention of the firemen, and wait to be rescued. This was in the ground floor rooms where the windows were actually patio doors you could walk out of!!
• I've got a big collection of Japlish on my website at tanuki.org.uk/japlish.html (and a bit of Chinglish elsewhere on the site).
• I still remember the note seen many years ago in a Romanian hotel that started:
  "Dear Guts,
  ..."
• Sign in a turkey shop window.
  "genuin fake watches sold here"
• Cocktail lounge, Norway:
  LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
  At a Budapest zoo:
  PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
  Doctors office, Rome:
  SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
  Hotel, Acapulco:
  THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
  Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
  COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
  Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
  WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
  In a Nairobi restaurant:
  CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
  On the grounds of a private school:
  NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
  On an Athi River highway:
  TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
  On a poster at Kencom:
  ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
  In a City restaurant:
  OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
  A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
  DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
  In a Pumwani maternity ward:
  NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
  In a cemetery:
  PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES
  Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
  GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
  On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
  OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
  Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
  PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
  Hotel brochure, Italy:
  THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
  Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
  THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
  Hotel elevator, Paris:
  PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
  Hotel, Yugoslavia:
  THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
  Hotel, Japan:
  YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
  In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
  YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
  Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
  NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
  Taken from a menu, Poland:
  SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
  From the "Soviet Weekly":
  THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
  In an East African newspaper:
  A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
  Hotel, Vienna:
  IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
  A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
  IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
  Hotel, Zurich:
  BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
  An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
  TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
  A laundry in Rome:
  LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
  Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
  WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN !!!?
  The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
  GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
  Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
  WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
  On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
  IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
• he he, ta for that elfmay. made me smile.
• (Allegedly) These are actual quotes taken from the Federal Government employee performance evaluations.
  1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
  2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
  3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."
  4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
  5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
  7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
  8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
  9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
  10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better"
  11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
  12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
  13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
  14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
  15. "He's been working with glue too much."
  16. "He would argue with a signpost."
  17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
  18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
  19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
  20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
  21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
  22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
  23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
  24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
  25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
  26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
  27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
  28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
  29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
  30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
  31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
  32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
• Thanks for this. I've got tears rolling down my cheeks...
• lmfao!
  I'm sure I worked with some of these people!
  Think no 5 might apply to me sometimes though!
• Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
  Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
  Cancel one pint after the day after today. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
  Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
  Milkman, please could I have a loaf but no bread today.
  Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
  Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
  Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
  When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
  Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
  My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
  Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
  Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
  Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
  My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
  Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
  When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk. No milk.
• Brilliant, creasin me.
  Stagnant!
• In a Tokyo hotel:
  Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
  person to do such a thing please do not read this notice.
  In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
  The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we
  regret that you will be unbearable.
  In a Leipzig elevator:
  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
  In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
  To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
  should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
  wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
  order.
  In a Paris hotel elevator:
  Please leave your values at the front desk.
  In a hotel in Athens:
  Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours
  of 9 and AM daily.
  In a Yugoslavian hotel:
  The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
  chambermaid.
  In a Japanese hotel:
  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
  In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
  monastery:
  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
  Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
  Thursday.
  In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
  Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
  boots of ascension.
  On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
  Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
  On the menu of a Polish hotel:
  Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
  dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
  beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
  Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
  In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
  Drop your trousers here for best results.
  Outside a Paris dress shop:
  Dresses for street walking.
  In a Rhodes tailor shop:
  Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute
  customers in strict rotation.
  Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
  There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 5,000 Soviet
  Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
  the past two years.
  A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
  It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
  people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
  together in one tent unless they are married with each
  other for the purpose.
  In a Zurich hotel:
  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite
  sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for
  this purpose.
  In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
  Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
  In a Rome laundry:
  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
  good time.
  Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
  Would you like to ride on your own !!!?
  In a Swiss mountain inn:
  Special today -- no ice cream.
  In a Bangkok temple:
  It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as
  a man.
  In a Tokyo bar:
  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
  In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
  We take your bags and send them in all directions.
  On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
  If this is your first visit to the USSR, then you are welcome to
  it.
  In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
  Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
  In a Budapest zoo:
  Please do no t feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
  give it to the guard on duty.
  In the office of a Roman doctor:
  Specialist in women and other diseases.
  In an Acapulco hotel:
  The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
  In a Tokyo shop:
  Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best
  in the long run.
  From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
  conditioner:
  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
  room, please control yourself.
  From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
  When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
  him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage
  then tootle him with vigor.
  Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
  - English well talking
  - Here speeching American
• Some real gems in there - thank you so much!
• Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
  Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!
  Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
  Strachan: "Velocity" (walks off)
  Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
  Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."
  Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
  Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure.
  Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
  Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?
  Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
  Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.
  Reporter: Gordon, Agustin Delgado?
  Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.
  Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
  Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.
  Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
  Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.
  Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
  Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative
  man, down.
  Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
  Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.
  Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
  Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.
  Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
  Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there...
  Gordon Strachan on Wayne Rooney - "Its an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."
  Gordon Strachan (after defeat by Everton) - ".....I tried to get the disappointment out of my system by going for a walk. I ended up 17 miles from home and I had to phone my wife, Lesley to come and pick me up....."
  Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
  Strachan: "I don't do impressions"
  Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then ?
  Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!
• Superb!! Was watching an interview with him before the Hibs v Celtic match and he looked at the reporters list of questions and said
  "Aw naw, I can see yer next questions a cracker too!!
  Great wee character!!