09 Mar 2015

A question about : Ex wife leaving town and leaving kids, but stalling

Hi all,

I'm a father of 2 children from a previous relationship which didn't work. Nothing majorly went wrong, we just got together when we were 15 and 10 years later matured into people looking for different things.
We've both supported our children in the time we've been separated, we've had different ideas on parenting, but we've tried to get on.
Anyway, she wants to move away (100ish miles) and plans to leave the kids here with me and my partner.
This is perfect for us as we love them to bits and wouldn't let her take them away.
She says she'll be moving as soon as her partner gets a visa and is able to live and work in uk.
To us, it sounds like she is stalling on making a decision, and when we question it, she says we're waiting on government to grant visas etc
I'm wondering if anyone can give advice on how we can speed up the time it takes for my children to come and live with us permanently?
We currently have a week with the kids and a week without, so it's shared custody.
I feel like I'm getting my hopes up about them living here full time, but she will declare that she wants to stay...
I'm looking for a way to say look, they come and live me from 01/10/2014 whether you go or not.
Obviously we'd still allow plenty of visiting, but the kids need stability, and she cannot currently off that...
I don't want to scare her aware and decide she doesn't wanna go but in the same breath, I need to do something that'll make her realise that she can't keep everyone hanging like this.
It breaks my heart every time she delays things...I just want my kids :/

Best answers:

  • I feel your frustration, but you can't force your ex to hurry up with her decision based on your wants, I'm afraid.
    The only way you could move things along is to instruct a solicitor, but this could sour your relationship with your ex, it will cost a LOT and I don't think a judge would hand over full custody based on what you have told us.
    For the moment, ust concentrate on building your relationship with your kids and supporting their Mother, it will make things a lot easier for all involved, in the long run.
  • I think you just need to be patient. These things can turn so quickly into horrible situations of arguments that wont make things easier. So I wouldn't give her a deadline.
    I understand this is hard as your so excited about having the kids full time but keep communication flowing as much as possible. Talk about your worries about the delays and how it could be impacting on the children but please don't make any demands!
  • Where is her new bloke from as for many countries the visa process is VERY slow & expensive so she may not be able to provide you with a solid date until his visa has been issued.
    I would just hold tight with the current arrangement, if he doesn't get his visa she wont be moving anyway presumably? And then the original week on week off arrangement will stay in place.
  • Be patient; there's a hint that it's all about 'what you want' which is not what it should be about.
    What do the children want? Their mum will always be their mum, and I'm sure that in one way or another they will miss her so let them enjoy the time they do have with her, before she moves away.
  • The only way you could spped it up would be to ask her to agree to the children moving to live full time with you now, without waiting for her move, but there is no reason why she would agree to thet - the childnre are in a settled routine now so it is not as though there would be any benefit to them in moving them early.
    It would of couse be open to you tp apply to court to change the arrangemetns but a court would be very unlikely to agree to change the arrangem,ents and significantly reduce their time with their mum when they have a stable routine already, and while she is still local.
    As others have said, pushing it is likely to sour relationships between you and could easily end up with a situation where she decided she wanted the children to move with her, and you wind up having a big struggle about where they ultimately live.
    There could be all sorts of problems both with her partner's visa and her planned move, so I would not count on anything changing until you get to a point where she actually tells you that they have signed a lease / accepted a job / got the visa
  • He is from usa, and now has his visa. He will be working and living in UK within a few weeks.
    It appears, however, that she is now not moving with him. Some rubbish about her parents moving house and not being well enough to do it without her help.
    She is full of crap.
    The boys want to live with us - that's one of the frustrating things
  • How old are the children? Have you looked at the criteria around applying for full custody? ISTR that once children are a certain age (12?) then what they say is taken much more notice of, to the point that it can easily tip the balance in your favour. It can be highly contentious though as technically it means the ex would be due to pay you maintenance...
  • Your ex has this US boyfirend.., a relationship in which anything could happen. They could very easily split up and then the plans your ex has mentioned just won't happen. Even if she stays with her boyfiriend, they may not relocate. She loves your kids too remember, its not going to be easy for her or the kids.
    I'd play a waiting game until what is going to happen is set in stone. You just don't know at the moment what will happen.
    Both of you just need to keep things as stable for the kids as you can.
    Remember that kids know what you want and may well be telling both you and your ex that they want to stay with you and your ex. Its almost impossible for a child to tell one parent they don't want to live with them.., and asking them at this stage will increase insecurity massively. Its not fair on them.
    Please understand I am not trying to be judgemental., just trying to give another perspective.
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